It's Been a Long Time...Almost Too Long...
I feel absolutely horrible at this fact: How long has it been since I posted on here…the 5th of March? And it’s the 19th of April today…that is majorly weak. To tell you the truth, which is what I always try to do on here, I’ve mostly entirely been on Tumblr (btw, if you really want to contact me, do it there, you have a better chance of getting a reply), but still, “damn” is all I can say. I’ve been such a spoiled brat, and yes I am calling myself that, this past month and chose to sulk in my room all day in some unneeded pity than catch up with the truly awesome and amazing people on here. Shame, shame, shame on myself for doing that to you all. Though, you can sort of say that I have been particularly busy this past month, what with a big project and many other pretty huge things. I told my neighbor on 18 Mar, this man that I fell in love with eleven months ago, that I love him dearly and it nearly gave me a seizure. I have this this anxiety disorder thing, caused by my past as a sort of post trauma, so whenever a problem arises, I can’t control these horrible twitching and shaking, and my blood pressure rises even higher than it already is, and I turn red. I’m sure others have noticed it. He probably did as well. Anyway, later on my friend totally betrayed me…all of my friends pretty much torment me anymore, and its getting to be somewhat a bore. Same shit, different day, that sort of thing going on. This one particular instance was completely embarrassing, and makes me laugh now. Like the Smiths said: “I can laugh about it now, but at the time it was terrible”. This one friend squeezed a whole thing of lotion up my nose and I am not even kidding, no holding back, the whole damned bottle went in my nose. It damn near gave me an infection and I don’t even talk to her anymore, but the whole class saw and now think it was some Jackass thing we pulled even though I left the classroom crying. But, I’m not one to hold grudges so, whatever, they can think what they want.
There were a lot of other pretty huge things that happened that didn’t primarily involve me but still affected me. First off, there was a death of a senior at my school. She was strangled and beaten - murdered - and buried in a relative’s beackyard. Sick people in this world, but they are in jail now. It really tore the school apart and everyone started to come dressed in black even though we have a uniform. I was going to wear black, but I didn’t know the girl that well to do that. She was only a friend of friends, but I still felt for her. At one point, she walked the school and breathed our air, but now she will never again be here to walk or breath. I cried for her in front of everyone, even though all I knew was her first name, because I couldn’t help but cry for her. I hope she’s happy and safe wherever she happens to be. Secondly, there was the whole car crash thing that shook me up a bit. These dumbass kids that were smoking a lot of pot at my school were dumb enough to go 70 mph over the speed bumps and crash into this tree that had been there since the dawn of time. The only reason I even paid any mind to it is because my friend from Entertainment Tech was in the car and I really cared about her, despite her brush with drugs and assholes. But it is one event that is still occuring that has effected me the most.
We have a pending school shooting scare at my school. I nearly had a breakdown over this thought, because I actually care deeply about all of those involved in Columbine, but to have a threat like that at my school when I thought that I had left all of thought all of those horrible feelings were behind me…that was surely a wake up call. I participated in a Day of Silence in the memory of the lives that were lost today (the only one to do so at my school, may I add). I thought that they would come shoot up the school today, so I held my guard, but nothing happened, thank God. This all really scares me especially, because, for some weird reason, I feel as if I could have done something to stop a tragedy like this a past life but chose to cower in the corner, so I am going to feel obligated to stop the person doing this. I can’t just let it happen, because it would ruin my entire life, but I also have a 99.9% chance of being gunned down. That’s the reason I stayed home Friday, because this person posted something on a website saying our was school was going to “be on CNN on 16 Apr 10”. This scared the bollocks out of me, of course, and I couldn’t stop crying and checking the news every five minutes when I was off, ruining the whole sick day for me. I just hope nothing happens in the future.
Other than the unfortunate news above, I’ve just been trying to get by each day. Not wasting my time, of course, because I know better than that, but just trying to pass school and have time for myself is impossible. I’m done complaining about it, but this time I am telling the truth. I don’t know why I stray from all the good things in my life to wallow in the bad, but that’s what I do, and it has got to stop. That, I am completely certain about. Since, school is nearly over and I awfully love the summers: it’s a time for me to recollect and grow. I even plan to learn French this summer, all taught by myself. It’s working well now, because I keep on watching French movies and listening to French music, primarilly including Jean-Pierre Leaud and Louis Garrel. They are both dashing. Yes, I’ve heard Blur’s new single, and it is one of their best yet and I hope they make an album soon, as in now. Yes, I read Alex James’ amazing novel “bit of a blur” and learned that he is even more than the God that I thought him out to be. And, yes, I watched “No Distance Left to Run” with a dropped jaw included throughout the entire thing, especially when Damon and Graham kiss (instant replay, anyone?). I was also deeply saddened when I learned it was damn near impossible for me to attend the Suede reunion concert, one had been looking forward to since I found out Suede existed. Again, I was saddened over being denied the Libertines reunion that is approaching. But, I got past it all when I went to New York and saw, up close, the shark that Damien Hirst encased with formaldehyde. A work of art that I had the honor to touch, that Blur has touched, Suede has touched, Oasis has touched, in all those Britpop years with the rise of Britpop Art. I still cherish the hand I touched it with.
I learned about more bands, including Manic Street Preachers. I’ve watched Skins, a show Graham Coxon becomes a little schoolgirl about, and live Merlin and Doctor Who. I am forever enveloped with space pictures, primarily a love influenced by Alex James and The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I’ve added more obsessions to my list, watched more cerbral films, lost my mind far more than five times and was able to fing it orbiting in a galaxy far away. I’ve become far more weird than I have ever been, a fact that I am extremely proud of, and maybe even a tad more self aware, because I am finally writing into my beloved Livejournal again about how fucking rotton I’ve been acting. I’ve resolved to leave all of those petty worries behind, and start caring about topics that are really deep, because I’ve been acting like a child the whole time I was wanting everyone to treat me like an adult. Pouting over my dad not paying a minute of attention to me or whining over the extreme roughhousing at school is just, let’s face it, childish. My mumsies was right along, I should change my reactions to things that I can’t control. Fuck the school, the kids, the fucking lack of attention: I’ll leave it all be and move on to bigger and better things. I’m not going to be a great big ball of sunshine all the time, but at least I’ll have a valid enough reason when I’m not.
So, I will be writing more on Livejournal from now on. To tell you the truth, probably not everyday, but definitely more than once a week. I’m feeling pretty sorry to everyone who noticed I practically disappeared. I needed to for a while to collect myself. And, now that I am collected, I’m here.
Thank you for reading to this point. It shows me that you care.
Love you all to bits!