I'm not the person I want to be
My sister came home this week for our neighbors wedding. I still cannot believe she's only 24 and married. We have lived next door to them since I was born, so she is like a sister to me, but that is a different story. I am not quite sure where this story begins; I am guessing somewhere in my early childhood. Most of the people who know me know my parents are divorced, and anyone who talks to me about it knows they fought a lot. However, what most people are not aware of is the fighting between my mother and my sister; this began after my father moved out. From what I remember of my parent’s fights, the ones between my mom and sister were far worse. They would scream at each other non stop. My sister always knew exactly the right words to piss my mother off beyond reason. Sometimes my mother would even hit my sister; a few times I jumped in between them, but a lot of times my sister would lock herself in the bathroom where my mother could not get to her. As all this fighting occurred, my emotional state transformed. If I gave the slightest acknowledgment of their fighting, I would burst into tears, so instead I had to shut down. I would simply sit there on the computer and ignore them. I would try to find something, anything, to keep my attention away from them. I have never really realized till recently how much this has affected me.
Today when I get into emotional situations I cannot handle, I simply shut down. Last night my sister got drunk at the wedding. On the way home her and my mom got into a fight and I did not know what to do. To add to the situation, I was on the phone with Anthony, trying to mend our damaged friendship. I had to focus on him and completely shut out my mother and sister, which is nearly impossible. Every so often I would catch myself drifting into their argument, and I would remember the past. I was so angry and so hurt, but I did not know what to do. Today I had to get up at 6:30 to take my sister to the airport. Once we got there and my mother was saying goodbye, I blew up. I refused to talk to her, and was just a complete ass. She told me not to visit over the summer, and I said I would not. The ride home with my mom was not pleasant either. She was extremely angry at me for the way I treated my sister. I attempted to explain to my mother how I felt, but I have no clue how to talk about my problems. We ended up getting in a huge fight, and again I shut down. I just sat there thinking of my sister, and how horrible I was. Her flight was boarding at 7:40, and it was 7:39, so I picked up my phone and called her. I told her how sorry I was, and how much I really loved her. That took care of that, but my problems are still far from solved.
The rest of the way home I just thought about myself. I know there is a real person inside me, I felt him today more than I ever have, but he cannot seem to come out. I feel as if I am surrounded by a shell, a wall if you will, that prevents my true self from coming out. I always wondered how similar I was to Pink, and now I see I am not far off. I do not know what to do anymore. A part of me wants to go back into therapy, but I do not know how much that will help. I was in it before, and never came close to these issues. I do not think I was even aware of these issues at the time. Now I am afraid that if I go back, I will be too scared to talk about them. My medication has defiantly helped with my anxiety, but now that I am out in the world I am realizing why I was not sooner. I am simply not ready for the world, and I do not know how to prepare myself. I am so lost right now. I do not know where I am, where I am going, who to talk to, or how to talk to them. It almost feels as if my life has ended before it even began. I just want to curl up in Chris's arms right now, but I probably will not see him for a while. Jamie is coming over tonight to get help with chemistry, so I may not see him tonight. Tomorrow I am suppose to go to Disneyland with Anthony, so I most likely will not see Chris tomorrow either. Tuesday he works, so I might not see him till Wednesday :-(.
I do not know what to do anymore. Will someone please help me? Would someone please hold my hand and guide me through this world.
**UPDATE**
After I had told my mom about all of this she flipped out. She said the only thing she had left in life to be proud of was being a good mother. She felt like I was blaming her for all of her problems, and she had nothing left to live for. That has cleared up now. but it was still quite a scare :-/.
Today when I get into emotional situations I cannot handle, I simply shut down. Last night my sister got drunk at the wedding. On the way home her and my mom got into a fight and I did not know what to do. To add to the situation, I was on the phone with Anthony, trying to mend our damaged friendship. I had to focus on him and completely shut out my mother and sister, which is nearly impossible. Every so often I would catch myself drifting into their argument, and I would remember the past. I was so angry and so hurt, but I did not know what to do. Today I had to get up at 6:30 to take my sister to the airport. Once we got there and my mother was saying goodbye, I blew up. I refused to talk to her, and was just a complete ass. She told me not to visit over the summer, and I said I would not. The ride home with my mom was not pleasant either. She was extremely angry at me for the way I treated my sister. I attempted to explain to my mother how I felt, but I have no clue how to talk about my problems. We ended up getting in a huge fight, and again I shut down. I just sat there thinking of my sister, and how horrible I was. Her flight was boarding at 7:40, and it was 7:39, so I picked up my phone and called her. I told her how sorry I was, and how much I really loved her. That took care of that, but my problems are still far from solved.
The rest of the way home I just thought about myself. I know there is a real person inside me, I felt him today more than I ever have, but he cannot seem to come out. I feel as if I am surrounded by a shell, a wall if you will, that prevents my true self from coming out. I always wondered how similar I was to Pink, and now I see I am not far off. I do not know what to do anymore. A part of me wants to go back into therapy, but I do not know how much that will help. I was in it before, and never came close to these issues. I do not think I was even aware of these issues at the time. Now I am afraid that if I go back, I will be too scared to talk about them. My medication has defiantly helped with my anxiety, but now that I am out in the world I am realizing why I was not sooner. I am simply not ready for the world, and I do not know how to prepare myself. I am so lost right now. I do not know where I am, where I am going, who to talk to, or how to talk to them. It almost feels as if my life has ended before it even began. I just want to curl up in Chris's arms right now, but I probably will not see him for a while. Jamie is coming over tonight to get help with chemistry, so I may not see him tonight. Tomorrow I am suppose to go to Disneyland with Anthony, so I most likely will not see Chris tomorrow either. Tuesday he works, so I might not see him till Wednesday :-(.
I do not know what to do anymore. Will someone please help me? Would someone please hold my hand and guide me through this world.
**UPDATE**
After I had told my mom about all of this she flipped out. She said the only thing she had left in life to be proud of was being a good mother. She felt like I was blaming her for all of her problems, and she had nothing left to live for. That has cleared up now. but it was still quite a scare :-/.