the wrong choices
hmmm
so karen and i had a long conversation today
we pretty much decided that i exhibit all the basic symptoms of a person who is depressed.
but that's not really news to me
so i have to really think now
really really
should i stay or should i go
i took a leap today and sold my papa-san to jon
75 dollars
this is a leap because i've had it for a few years and i loved curling up in it and taking cat naps
i would crawl into it and cry into my blankie when i was sad
but mostly it just held my junk
so i decided
that if i were to move i would be selling pretty much all of my furniture
or donating to the good will
and there are some things that i can get rid of now and still feel as though i may stay
so that one can go
i suppose i really need to talk to my parents
i think i'll talk to my dad
cause talking to my mom always makes me feel guilty and like i have to stay here
and i just don't know if here is right for me
i should make an attempt though
to make it right
but money issues are really putting a cramp to attempts that could be made
sigh
pros and cons
i can do that
i should
make a list of the pros and cons of both places
both lives
these may change:
SEATTLE:
pros:
1. the few friends i have here. i will miss them a lot if i move.
2. the job at kindercare
3. possibility for illustration jobs
4. things to do, places to go, people to meet
5. my overwhelming love for it on certain occasions
6. i could work my way through massage school here
7. i'm comfortable here.
8. i can always go home to visit
9. road trips are easier to do
10. people always stop in seattle on their way to somewhere else...people are willing to visit me here
11. if i stay i can get residency and then have someone teach me to drive
cons:
1. i don't have an illustration job or any job dealing with what i went to school for
2. i'm not in school anymore
3. the longer i stay here the sooner i lose my dividend
4. the friends i have here are busy...sometimes too busy to visit with me...leaving me lonely a lot of the time
5. even if there are things to do here...i never do them...cause i don't want to do them alone...and people don't usually want to go with me
6. i'm standoffish with new people...so going out to meet new people pretty much sucks for me
7. if i don't meet new people i can't date either
8. i get so depressed that i don't eat and my sleeping habits are shit
9. the main things to do here are the same as the main things to do in fairbanks, go out and drink...and i'm not a drinker
FAIRBANKS:
pros:
1. all my friends there would be thrilled to have me back
2. my family is really supportive
3. places are cheaper to live
4. i could probably go back to dancing at the studio
5. i'm rare up there with my graphic design degree that i bet i could find a job pretty easily
6. it's such a small town that i already know most of the people and its very easy to meet new and likable people
7. i could always live in anchorage if fairbanks got on my nerves...i'd still have friends and family and be able to visit fairbanks at least monthly
8. anchorage is more of a city so would be like an in between of fairbanks and seattle
9. there are dating prospects in fairbanks
10. meaning that i could start my personal life....maybe find something long term...i'm getting the itch to start to settle down
cons:
1. very little job opportunity
2. cold cold cold
3. letting my parents down
4. even if i wanted to date my brother and sister would make it as impossible as they could :P
5. the only things to do are go to the movies or go drinking...or maybe go bowling or ice skating...
6. everything is so far apart that you have to know how to drive
7. the bus system sucks
8. i'd have to quit my job here and i just started it
9. it would cost a lot more to come back here if i ever wanted to...for massage school...or just to live...
10. i might begin to feel trapped and really want to leave but not be able too
karen's right
i need to start making my own decisions about my life
i've just grown so accustomed to my parents helping me with my choices...so i can be sure that they are the right ones...
but really...
i ought to be making wrong choices every now and then
i'm just afraid of making too many of them
and honestly...i have made quite a few wrong choices
usually cause i havn't asked my parents for guidance on the issue before making the choice
and that scares me...
am i really that stupid?
so karen and i had a long conversation today
we pretty much decided that i exhibit all the basic symptoms of a person who is depressed.
but that's not really news to me
so i have to really think now
really really
should i stay or should i go
i took a leap today and sold my papa-san to jon
75 dollars
this is a leap because i've had it for a few years and i loved curling up in it and taking cat naps
i would crawl into it and cry into my blankie when i was sad
but mostly it just held my junk
so i decided
that if i were to move i would be selling pretty much all of my furniture
or donating to the good will
and there are some things that i can get rid of now and still feel as though i may stay
so that one can go
i suppose i really need to talk to my parents
i think i'll talk to my dad
cause talking to my mom always makes me feel guilty and like i have to stay here
and i just don't know if here is right for me
i should make an attempt though
to make it right
but money issues are really putting a cramp to attempts that could be made
sigh
pros and cons
i can do that
i should
make a list of the pros and cons of both places
both lives
these may change:
SEATTLE:
pros:
1. the few friends i have here. i will miss them a lot if i move.
2. the job at kindercare
3. possibility for illustration jobs
4. things to do, places to go, people to meet
5. my overwhelming love for it on certain occasions
6. i could work my way through massage school here
7. i'm comfortable here.
8. i can always go home to visit
9. road trips are easier to do
10. people always stop in seattle on their way to somewhere else...people are willing to visit me here
11. if i stay i can get residency and then have someone teach me to drive
cons:
1. i don't have an illustration job or any job dealing with what i went to school for
2. i'm not in school anymore
3. the longer i stay here the sooner i lose my dividend
4. the friends i have here are busy...sometimes too busy to visit with me...leaving me lonely a lot of the time
5. even if there are things to do here...i never do them...cause i don't want to do them alone...and people don't usually want to go with me
6. i'm standoffish with new people...so going out to meet new people pretty much sucks for me
7. if i don't meet new people i can't date either
8. i get so depressed that i don't eat and my sleeping habits are shit
9. the main things to do here are the same as the main things to do in fairbanks, go out and drink...and i'm not a drinker
FAIRBANKS:
pros:
1. all my friends there would be thrilled to have me back
2. my family is really supportive
3. places are cheaper to live
4. i could probably go back to dancing at the studio
5. i'm rare up there with my graphic design degree that i bet i could find a job pretty easily
6. it's such a small town that i already know most of the people and its very easy to meet new and likable people
7. i could always live in anchorage if fairbanks got on my nerves...i'd still have friends and family and be able to visit fairbanks at least monthly
8. anchorage is more of a city so would be like an in between of fairbanks and seattle
9. there are dating prospects in fairbanks
10. meaning that i could start my personal life....maybe find something long term...i'm getting the itch to start to settle down
cons:
1. very little job opportunity
2. cold cold cold
3. letting my parents down
4. even if i wanted to date my brother and sister would make it as impossible as they could :P
5. the only things to do are go to the movies or go drinking...or maybe go bowling or ice skating...
6. everything is so far apart that you have to know how to drive
7. the bus system sucks
8. i'd have to quit my job here and i just started it
9. it would cost a lot more to come back here if i ever wanted to...for massage school...or just to live...
10. i might begin to feel trapped and really want to leave but not be able too
karen's right
i need to start making my own decisions about my life
i've just grown so accustomed to my parents helping me with my choices...so i can be sure that they are the right ones...
but really...
i ought to be making wrong choices every now and then
i'm just afraid of making too many of them
and honestly...i have made quite a few wrong choices
usually cause i havn't asked my parents for guidance on the issue before making the choice
and that scares me...
am i really that stupid?