Long time coming
I'm abnormal. Yeah, you say 'who isnt', but i'm serious. All my life i've loved women. I'm drawn to them like a hungry baby to a tit. Yeah, its that viceral. Its like a pleasure for me to be around women. And i'm not talking, one woman all the time (ie. my girlfriend) I mean like various women. The more the better. It makes me happy. Its something i enjoy. Being around women is like being in a safe zone. A place where i'm at my happiest.
All throughout my past, while i generally have one or two male friends at a time, i usually have twice as many females floating around. I just love women... Its the only explaination i can come to.
Which brings me to my next dilema.
I have a girlfriend. Yes, i've stayed completely faithful, and committed to her. However, more and more each day, i have a significant urge to be single. I miss being single. I miss the exileration(sp) of dating. I miss that first kiss, that first make out session, that first sexual encounter. Now i can see you'd probably think that i'm a womanizer or whatever. But i'm not. As i've said, I love women. I treat them better than i treat myself.
All of this has just been boiling under my skin. I'm not sure where to turn. I dont even know who would understand what i'm going through, or how this is eating away at me from the inside out.
Please do not get the wrong idea. I love my girlfriend. I want to be with her forever. She's the one i want to have my children with. She's my perfect woman. But even with all that, i cannot shake how i'm feeling. Mid-life crisis at 28? If i'm feeling this way now, i might have to kill myself when i really do have a mid-life crisis. Not something i'm looking forward to.
So, the question here is how do i explain how i feel to my girlfriend? And how do i remedy these feelings that just arent going away? The path i'm travelling is not well. The attractions that i'm having toward some women in my life is growing out of control... control that i'm disregard. I find myself wanting things to happen with these women, and totally disregarding the ramifications. How is it possible to feel the way i do about my girlfriend, but on the other hand would not feel any shame, or have any inhibitions regarding something sexual with another woman? The few that i've told about these feelings have said that if i was truly in love with my girlfriend that i wouldnt be having these feelings at all. I dont think they are right. I hope they are wrong. Maybe they too do not understand my problem.
I'd like to think that we are all products of how we were raised, and the experiences we've been through. Recapping my life, as it revolves around women...
My father was never around, always working. I was raised mostly by women, my mother, aunts, grandmother, older sister. As far back as i can remember i was always being 'setup' with daughters of family friends. My first girlfriends sister had a crush on me, through no fault of my own. My second girlfriend has been in and out of my life more than oxygen. She's been married, divorce, had two kids, and to this day there is still a connection there. Even now with a boyfriend we still talk and she would cheat on him in a heart beat to be with me. In turn i avoid seeing her at all because i know that i wouldnt be able to resist. My current girlfriend is actually the sister of an ex-girlfriend. And the girlfriend i had before this one, i fooled around with her roomate the day before we started dating. I am a product of my past. There's no denying it.
I'm a fucked up person. And i've done some fucked up things. And right now i'm not in a good place. I've been thinking bad things. And i'm afraid that eventually somethings going to give and i'm going to end up hurting the people i care about.
At first i thought it would all just pass. It's not going away.
I did come right out and tell my girlfriend at one point that i missed being single. I dont think she really took me seriously because at the time we were in bed, half asleep, and drunk to boot. Heck she probably doesnt even remember.
When you need help, you drop hints. I dont know how to even start the conversation with her. So i changed my sexual orientation on my myspace to 'swinger'. She noticed, and so did my sister, but no one seemed to be concerned. This is my next step.
I've got no resolution. And i doubt any will understand, because how can you understand if you arent going through the same thing?
All throughout my past, while i generally have one or two male friends at a time, i usually have twice as many females floating around. I just love women... Its the only explaination i can come to.
Which brings me to my next dilema.
I have a girlfriend. Yes, i've stayed completely faithful, and committed to her. However, more and more each day, i have a significant urge to be single. I miss being single. I miss the exileration(sp) of dating. I miss that first kiss, that first make out session, that first sexual encounter. Now i can see you'd probably think that i'm a womanizer or whatever. But i'm not. As i've said, I love women. I treat them better than i treat myself.
All of this has just been boiling under my skin. I'm not sure where to turn. I dont even know who would understand what i'm going through, or how this is eating away at me from the inside out.
Please do not get the wrong idea. I love my girlfriend. I want to be with her forever. She's the one i want to have my children with. She's my perfect woman. But even with all that, i cannot shake how i'm feeling. Mid-life crisis at 28? If i'm feeling this way now, i might have to kill myself when i really do have a mid-life crisis. Not something i'm looking forward to.
So, the question here is how do i explain how i feel to my girlfriend? And how do i remedy these feelings that just arent going away? The path i'm travelling is not well. The attractions that i'm having toward some women in my life is growing out of control... control that i'm disregard. I find myself wanting things to happen with these women, and totally disregarding the ramifications. How is it possible to feel the way i do about my girlfriend, but on the other hand would not feel any shame, or have any inhibitions regarding something sexual with another woman? The few that i've told about these feelings have said that if i was truly in love with my girlfriend that i wouldnt be having these feelings at all. I dont think they are right. I hope they are wrong. Maybe they too do not understand my problem.
I'd like to think that we are all products of how we were raised, and the experiences we've been through. Recapping my life, as it revolves around women...
My father was never around, always working. I was raised mostly by women, my mother, aunts, grandmother, older sister. As far back as i can remember i was always being 'setup' with daughters of family friends. My first girlfriends sister had a crush on me, through no fault of my own. My second girlfriend has been in and out of my life more than oxygen. She's been married, divorce, had two kids, and to this day there is still a connection there. Even now with a boyfriend we still talk and she would cheat on him in a heart beat to be with me. In turn i avoid seeing her at all because i know that i wouldnt be able to resist. My current girlfriend is actually the sister of an ex-girlfriend. And the girlfriend i had before this one, i fooled around with her roomate the day before we started dating. I am a product of my past. There's no denying it.
I'm a fucked up person. And i've done some fucked up things. And right now i'm not in a good place. I've been thinking bad things. And i'm afraid that eventually somethings going to give and i'm going to end up hurting the people i care about.
At first i thought it would all just pass. It's not going away.
I did come right out and tell my girlfriend at one point that i missed being single. I dont think she really took me seriously because at the time we were in bed, half asleep, and drunk to boot. Heck she probably doesnt even remember.
When you need help, you drop hints. I dont know how to even start the conversation with her. So i changed my sexual orientation on my myspace to 'swinger'. She noticed, and so did my sister, but no one seemed to be concerned. This is my next step.
I've got no resolution. And i doubt any will understand, because how can you understand if you arent going through the same thing?