and this is it.
Today marks the first day of the rest of my life. At least that is what it seems.
I was just getting all of my stuff together preparing to lug over ten years of my life to my father's house and I was just thinking...this is the beginning of the end. I never considered how much of a turning point for me this will be, but, for the first time, if I come home from college I won't be going home really...I will be going to a new and incomplete version of what home was. My sister will not be there. My cat will not be there. The new guy will be there. I realized too that I am holding on to so much of my past and, while it would hurt me deeply to let any of it go...the great possibility is that I might have to. And the truth is I should be letting someone else enjoy some of the things I have, but I am horribly possessive of a lot of it. It means the world to me. It is junk and papers to some people I guess, but it is important to me. I don't know if I can let that go, but I definitely may have to let go of some of it. Especially because in the next few years I'll be getting out on my own and can I really afford to lug around my collection of pez dispensers? I dunno. I can remember the time I threw out this box of notes I'd kept for years and years. They were all from like 6th 7th grade and folded in those corny triangle shaped papers that were so cool then for some reason and I guess I was in high school at the time and just decided..ya know...I don't need these anymore. So I think I opened each one and looked at them and then hesitantly poared them into the brown paper recycling bag and stood there staring. It was tough and I d idn't want to do it, but I guess it seemed necessary at the time. I can't help but wonder, is it? Do I need to get rid of all of my tokens of memory and stupid little trinkets to move forward?
It seems to be the question of the hour for me because I am moving on in more ways than one.
I am leaving my childhood home and, more than likely, will have less of a "home base" than I did before, so I am definitely going to be moving toward more self reliance. I also think I am opening a new chapter in my life. After El Salvador, I feel like everything is different for me...I feel like I found something of myself there as strange as that may sound and I feel like I am going to come at life with renewed purpose and vigor. And I've been thinking how, to do that, there is something I need to move beyond first...something I have to accept and distance myself from before I can find peace. I know that I have been holding onto it with metaphoric trinkets, if you will, and a couple real trinkets, but I just don't know how to be ready to break myself away from it all. Just like all my stupid junk collecting in my closet...I don't know how to say I've given up on it. I mean...I could possibly have the will power to lose the metaphoric reminders...but the real things...I just don't know. Realistically, I feel like I have to make the choice to move on or else I just won't until something forces me to forget, but I just don't think I want to forget yet. Is that a bad thing? I really wish I knew.
Maybe the fact that I obsessively collect remnants of my history is why I am perpetually child like and can't seem to make the transition to the adult world comfortably as most people can. Because I really don't think I have ever been able to be okay with adulthood...like I never want to do anything thats adult...I never want to act my age. Ever since I got to high school and found people were growing up I was like disgusted by the sight.
haha what the hell am I, Peter Pan?
Yeah but seriously I think maybe I should give some of my childhood stuff away just as an exercize in learning to not be afraid to grow up. Cuz seriously I said to myself while I was looking at stuff that I should give some to my sister or something and then immediately I thought "no omg...what if she messes it up? I can't trust her with that!" Which is partially warranted by the sheer anmount of crap she has and also by her history of losing things/ forgetting about things. But I just thought how crazy it is that I am so paranoid that stuff I played with as a kid will be damaged..
Bah okay enough....goodnight.
I was just getting all of my stuff together preparing to lug over ten years of my life to my father's house and I was just thinking...this is the beginning of the end. I never considered how much of a turning point for me this will be, but, for the first time, if I come home from college I won't be going home really...I will be going to a new and incomplete version of what home was. My sister will not be there. My cat will not be there. The new guy will be there. I realized too that I am holding on to so much of my past and, while it would hurt me deeply to let any of it go...the great possibility is that I might have to. And the truth is I should be letting someone else enjoy some of the things I have, but I am horribly possessive of a lot of it. It means the world to me. It is junk and papers to some people I guess, but it is important to me. I don't know if I can let that go, but I definitely may have to let go of some of it. Especially because in the next few years I'll be getting out on my own and can I really afford to lug around my collection of pez dispensers? I dunno. I can remember the time I threw out this box of notes I'd kept for years and years. They were all from like 6th 7th grade and folded in those corny triangle shaped papers that were so cool then for some reason and I guess I was in high school at the time and just decided..ya know...I don't need these anymore. So I think I opened each one and looked at them and then hesitantly poared them into the brown paper recycling bag and stood there staring. It was tough and I d idn't want to do it, but I guess it seemed necessary at the time. I can't help but wonder, is it? Do I need to get rid of all of my tokens of memory and stupid little trinkets to move forward?
It seems to be the question of the hour for me because I am moving on in more ways than one.
I am leaving my childhood home and, more than likely, will have less of a "home base" than I did before, so I am definitely going to be moving toward more self reliance. I also think I am opening a new chapter in my life. After El Salvador, I feel like everything is different for me...I feel like I found something of myself there as strange as that may sound and I feel like I am going to come at life with renewed purpose and vigor. And I've been thinking how, to do that, there is something I need to move beyond first...something I have to accept and distance myself from before I can find peace. I know that I have been holding onto it with metaphoric trinkets, if you will, and a couple real trinkets, but I just don't know how to be ready to break myself away from it all. Just like all my stupid junk collecting in my closet...I don't know how to say I've given up on it. I mean...I could possibly have the will power to lose the metaphoric reminders...but the real things...I just don't know. Realistically, I feel like I have to make the choice to move on or else I just won't until something forces me to forget, but I just don't think I want to forget yet. Is that a bad thing? I really wish I knew.
Maybe the fact that I obsessively collect remnants of my history is why I am perpetually child like and can't seem to make the transition to the adult world comfortably as most people can. Because I really don't think I have ever been able to be okay with adulthood...like I never want to do anything thats adult...I never want to act my age. Ever since I got to high school and found people were growing up I was like disgusted by the sight.
haha what the hell am I, Peter Pan?
Yeah but seriously I think maybe I should give some of my childhood stuff away just as an exercize in learning to not be afraid to grow up. Cuz seriously I said to myself while I was looking at stuff that I should give some to my sister or something and then immediately I thought "no omg...what if she messes it up? I can't trust her with that!" Which is partially warranted by the sheer anmount of crap she has and also by her history of losing things/ forgetting about things. But I just thought how crazy it is that I am so paranoid that stuff I played with as a kid will be damaged..
Bah okay enough....goodnight.