same old, same old
Well....
Nothing much going on with me. I am surprizingly not bored being at home right now...in fact I feel kinda glad to be away from all the stress of school. But one thing I will say is that I absolutely hate being a girl....I mean not really...but I mean for most of my life I did not act like a girl in many senses. I was always trying to be more tough and equal guys and though most of the time I definitely couldn't, I still didn't do the kind of girly things that most do. I don't wear make up and I don't usually put a huge effort into what I'm wearing (almost purposely sometimes because I don't think it should matter) and I never even really cared about guys. Like I mean I DID...I had crushes or whatever, but I never thought to myself, as I heard almost every girl around me say, "I need a guy". And I certainly didn't go looking for a relationship and, to be honest, I always thought that it was too much work to be in one....I sometimes still look at relationships that way despite myself. I suppose that was partly because I was afraid to be rejected by guys, but it has only been in the last couple of years that I've actually really wanted to be with someone...and I really sometimes wish I didn't. I really hate the fact that I've been thinking about having someone to be with so much. I just hate feeling like I need someone else to feel content. I mean...I dunno...I guess part of me thinks that I should be okay with just myself and my life. But I'm not...and it makes me feel weak and dependent. Like those girls that always needs a man to make their life complete...those girls who always bothered me. Those girls who go through a million guys and destroy their sense of worth in bad relationships because they get so attached. And yet I can't deny the fact that I really want something more in my life. And I don't know whether that means I should try to figure out whats lacking in myself or if it really is the fact that I want a relationship. And I mean...if I do need to find something more for myself...what is it besides a relationship that my life is lacking? I don't really know. I mean I'm sure my life could be a little better, but couldn't everyones? I just don't know where I would begin to change myself or my life especially because the next three years of it are so regimented. School...work....School...work....blah blah blah. And I dunno maybe that is my problem. I've come to see school as something to be dreaded and I wish I didn't. I mean I enjoy class but its just that it becomes your LIFE. And I don't think thats healthy for anyone. And I don't know how I can change that because I really do think school is important...but I don't want it to be more frigtening than interesting. UGH I hate trying to figure myself out.
Ya know what I think my problem honestly is? I think that I analyze everything so much that I don't know how to even be content with it. I always have to find a problem. I mean really thats what I do with people. I analyze them so much that they all eventually let me down in some way. And okay certain people don't...but I'd never say that anyone in my life has never disapointed me or irritated me. But I don't know who to change that negativity in myself. I think I've felt negatively about the world around me for so long now that I don't even know how to be excited about it or care about it. Wow...that sounds terribly emo and ridiculous of me. But I'm not saying that my life is bad or that I think everything is hopeless....its just I used to be so exuberant about everything when I was younger and then I went through high school and it was like I turned into this ball of cynacism. And I don't know how you change that because honestly last year was a lot better than any time of my life in high school and that didn't stop me from sometimes doubting that I was doing the right things in my life. I literally think I don't know how to feel comfortable in my own skin. Nothing I do is ever enough. I'm always saying that I should have done more or achieved more and the irony of it is that if I didn't think that way I probably WOULD achieve so much more just because I wouldn't be so down on myself. I wish I didn't think so much.
OKay I think I've been sad and pathetic for long enough tonight. No more analyzing.
Nothing much going on with me. I am surprizingly not bored being at home right now...in fact I feel kinda glad to be away from all the stress of school. But one thing I will say is that I absolutely hate being a girl....I mean not really...but I mean for most of my life I did not act like a girl in many senses. I was always trying to be more tough and equal guys and though most of the time I definitely couldn't, I still didn't do the kind of girly things that most do. I don't wear make up and I don't usually put a huge effort into what I'm wearing (almost purposely sometimes because I don't think it should matter) and I never even really cared about guys. Like I mean I DID...I had crushes or whatever, but I never thought to myself, as I heard almost every girl around me say, "I need a guy". And I certainly didn't go looking for a relationship and, to be honest, I always thought that it was too much work to be in one....I sometimes still look at relationships that way despite myself. I suppose that was partly because I was afraid to be rejected by guys, but it has only been in the last couple of years that I've actually really wanted to be with someone...and I really sometimes wish I didn't. I really hate the fact that I've been thinking about having someone to be with so much. I just hate feeling like I need someone else to feel content. I mean...I dunno...I guess part of me thinks that I should be okay with just myself and my life. But I'm not...and it makes me feel weak and dependent. Like those girls that always needs a man to make their life complete...those girls who always bothered me. Those girls who go through a million guys and destroy their sense of worth in bad relationships because they get so attached. And yet I can't deny the fact that I really want something more in my life. And I don't know whether that means I should try to figure out whats lacking in myself or if it really is the fact that I want a relationship. And I mean...if I do need to find something more for myself...what is it besides a relationship that my life is lacking? I don't really know. I mean I'm sure my life could be a little better, but couldn't everyones? I just don't know where I would begin to change myself or my life especially because the next three years of it are so regimented. School...work....School...work....blah blah blah. And I dunno maybe that is my problem. I've come to see school as something to be dreaded and I wish I didn't. I mean I enjoy class but its just that it becomes your LIFE. And I don't think thats healthy for anyone. And I don't know how I can change that because I really do think school is important...but I don't want it to be more frigtening than interesting. UGH I hate trying to figure myself out.
Ya know what I think my problem honestly is? I think that I analyze everything so much that I don't know how to even be content with it. I always have to find a problem. I mean really thats what I do with people. I analyze them so much that they all eventually let me down in some way. And okay certain people don't...but I'd never say that anyone in my life has never disapointed me or irritated me. But I don't know who to change that negativity in myself. I think I've felt negatively about the world around me for so long now that I don't even know how to be excited about it or care about it. Wow...that sounds terribly emo and ridiculous of me. But I'm not saying that my life is bad or that I think everything is hopeless....its just I used to be so exuberant about everything when I was younger and then I went through high school and it was like I turned into this ball of cynacism. And I don't know how you change that because honestly last year was a lot better than any time of my life in high school and that didn't stop me from sometimes doubting that I was doing the right things in my life. I literally think I don't know how to feel comfortable in my own skin. Nothing I do is ever enough. I'm always saying that I should have done more or achieved more and the irony of it is that if I didn't think that way I probably WOULD achieve so much more just because I wouldn't be so down on myself. I wish I didn't think so much.
OKay I think I've been sad and pathetic for long enough tonight. No more analyzing.