The Unexplainable...
For those of us who strive to understand other people around us, it can be pretty frustrating. Most of the time, I'd say, it gets pretty grating to try to understand why others tell you one thing, but not another; or they do something repeatedly that even they have said they don't like, and yet when you point out to them they're doing it again, they get mad at you.
It's been like that a lot for me, with Purrzah, her brother and my brother. Her brother points out time and time again that he doesn't like to play the know-it-all-who-really-knows-nothing, and the clown, which both tend to get on the nerves of others around him and keep him from being able to socialize with the majority of people he knows. He's asked us for help with this problem, and yet even when we point out that he's doing it, he huffs off, outraged.
My brother, on the other hand, tends to start talking tough and cussing a lot more. The best way I've found to get him to stop (which he's asked me to do) is to tease him about trying to impress others. So I do, and he gets infuriated and broods in silence, talking bad about me to others, who decide they have to try to defend him.
Purrzah just avoids telling me what she really feels, gets sad or depressive, then talks to others and they end up jumping down my throat about what I've done to upset her. I know she doesn't mean for that to happen, but even talking with her about it, she still does it. She's said she wants to be more organized, so the house will be cleaner, instead of with piles of paper or stacks of books here or there. Yet when I try to clean things up, to get rid of things we no longer need or use (or attempt to do any sort of organization) I get snapped at for 'losing' what is claimed to be so desperately needed... but, that's only after it's been discovered to have been moved from the pile it was in. Still, if I leave these things to them, they get mad at me because I'm not helping them deal with the problems they're trying to overcome.
Sometimes, it makes me want to just pack up the little bit I still have that's just mine, and disappear. But then I think about how I used to lash out or run away and hide from the cruelty of others, when I was small. I've had broken ribs, when I was just 5 years old, from other kids who decided it was fun to gang up on the gaijin. (It was after that I would lash out.) I've had concussions, been stabbed with a broken bottle and also a chisel, burned by a soldering iron, and had to sew myself up a couple of times because no one would take me to the hospital. I've dealt with racial persecution and more... all because I was trying to be good to others, to care for them, protect them or even just be a friend who was there to help with their problems.
When I learned to stop helping, after a pretty traumatic situation, and start running, things just got worse. So I know that's not the answer now; and yet it's still hard not to just pack up and run, again. I'm tired of this cut-throat attitude of Seattle's big businessmen. I'm tired of the cost of living continuing to go up and the payrate not being able to keep up with it. I'm tired of trying to make my life better, but being dragged back down because those around me just can't break their vicious cycles to collect or have more, or keep up with others; that they can't stop thinking about their own selfish wants and realize they'd feel better about themselves if they would just consider the needs (and feelings) of those they claim to love and respect, as well. Most of all, I'm tired of everything I try to say or do being turned against me by those who claim to care so much about me; or they just shrug off my words or feelings unless it's convenient for them... or benefits them in some way. I used to get that from my mother, and my grandmother. I don't want or need it from anyone else!
I guess, today, I just need to rant about how ~some~ of those who claim to give a damn or feel some sort of emotion toward me are really seeming to be all talk and no action.
It's been like that a lot for me, with Purrzah, her brother and my brother. Her brother points out time and time again that he doesn't like to play the know-it-all-who-really-knows-nothing, and the clown, which both tend to get on the nerves of others around him and keep him from being able to socialize with the majority of people he knows. He's asked us for help with this problem, and yet even when we point out that he's doing it, he huffs off, outraged.
My brother, on the other hand, tends to start talking tough and cussing a lot more. The best way I've found to get him to stop (which he's asked me to do) is to tease him about trying to impress others. So I do, and he gets infuriated and broods in silence, talking bad about me to others, who decide they have to try to defend him.
Purrzah just avoids telling me what she really feels, gets sad or depressive, then talks to others and they end up jumping down my throat about what I've done to upset her. I know she doesn't mean for that to happen, but even talking with her about it, she still does it. She's said she wants to be more organized, so the house will be cleaner, instead of with piles of paper or stacks of books here or there. Yet when I try to clean things up, to get rid of things we no longer need or use (or attempt to do any sort of organization) I get snapped at for 'losing' what is claimed to be so desperately needed... but, that's only after it's been discovered to have been moved from the pile it was in. Still, if I leave these things to them, they get mad at me because I'm not helping them deal with the problems they're trying to overcome.
Sometimes, it makes me want to just pack up the little bit I still have that's just mine, and disappear. But then I think about how I used to lash out or run away and hide from the cruelty of others, when I was small. I've had broken ribs, when I was just 5 years old, from other kids who decided it was fun to gang up on the gaijin. (It was after that I would lash out.) I've had concussions, been stabbed with a broken bottle and also a chisel, burned by a soldering iron, and had to sew myself up a couple of times because no one would take me to the hospital. I've dealt with racial persecution and more... all because I was trying to be good to others, to care for them, protect them or even just be a friend who was there to help with their problems.
When I learned to stop helping, after a pretty traumatic situation, and start running, things just got worse. So I know that's not the answer now; and yet it's still hard not to just pack up and run, again. I'm tired of this cut-throat attitude of Seattle's big businessmen. I'm tired of the cost of living continuing to go up and the payrate not being able to keep up with it. I'm tired of trying to make my life better, but being dragged back down because those around me just can't break their vicious cycles to collect or have more, or keep up with others; that they can't stop thinking about their own selfish wants and realize they'd feel better about themselves if they would just consider the needs (and feelings) of those they claim to love and respect, as well. Most of all, I'm tired of everything I try to say or do being turned against me by those who claim to care so much about me; or they just shrug off my words or feelings unless it's convenient for them... or benefits them in some way. I used to get that from my mother, and my grandmother. I don't want or need it from anyone else!
I guess, today, I just need to rant about how ~some~ of those who claim to give a damn or feel some sort of emotion toward me are really seeming to be all talk and no action.