🎶She was a friend to me when I needed one... Wasn't for her, I don't know what I'd done🎶
🎶She coulda turned out to be almost anyone
Almost anyone
With the possible exception
Of who I wanted her to be🎶
I was hearing from some people I know that love my helping them and people they care about. I was thanked, and given a few uplifting and encouraging words, and it helped offset a couple of pretty nasty things blood relations had sent as they were trying to pick a fight for the new year. I didn't rise to the bait, instead wishing them well and then cutting them off from further outbursts. It felt good to do that and not have the old anxiety and feelings of guilt crop up. While there may be fallout for blocking them if I ever running into them again, I am determined not to be their scapegoat, punching back or continue to allow that kind of shitty behavior anymore.
🎶Running into the midnight
With her clothes whipping in the wind
Reaching into the heart of the darkness
For the tenderness within
Stumblin' into the lights of the city
And then back in the shadows again
Hanging onto the laughter
That each of us hid our unhappiness in🎶
I found myself thinking about these beautiful people, how they helped me learn (and remember) how to laugh and sing, the ways to show care and concern, protect and assure those who - like me - desperately needed that in their lives. Angela, Antoria, Anya, Aranya, Dyranne, Joy Sighn, Laisha, Lorie, Mara, Tammi, Valestra, Xeylorra (back in the day) Xu Lei and Grandma Tae... and later my lovely Chrysanthemum Firework, Mourning Dove, endearing Golden Angel and her sister, their friend Nancy, the Kissing Butterfly, Encircling Zephyr and other sweet ladies from high school with their big-haired styles and glossy-lipped smiles, Mandi Mae, the Nymph, my beloved Damselfly... the list goes on. Each of them beautiful, kind (and many of them sassy) as well as fun, I do have a particular archetype of personality I'm attracted to even more than physical appearance. The one that always stands out from the rest is - of course - that endearing Golden Angel, due to what she did to keep me from prematurely taking the silver pathway.
🎶Talk about celestial bodies
And your angels on the wing
She wasn't much good at stickin' around, but
That girl could sing
She could sing🎶
And now, who is around, who reaches out? Who sings, not the one I had married. I try to understand what happened there. I tried, but it felt like the love disappeared, the care and concern became one sided, games became more important and all manner of other crafts and hobbies. Keeping up with all the rapidly advancing tech and gizmos took precedence over both her and my physical wellbeing and needs. And more beautiful souls found their way into my life, so many of them showing some aspect of gentle nurturing, charity, and acceptance like those I had to leave behind for one reason or another. I longed to reconnect with the Golden Angel, other friends or even acquaintances so that I might find that light again.
🎶In the dead of night
She could shine a light
On some places that you've never been
In that kind of light
You could lose your sight
And believe there was something to win
You could hold her tight
With all your might
But she'd slip through your arms like the wind
And be back in flight
Back into the night
Where you might never see her again🎶
I was wallowing in my misery, feeling put upon and continuing to hear the echoed destructive words that stomped on my feelings, fragmented my thoughts and scattered my efforts to continue to do better... be better... to the four winds. I felt hemmed in and trapped, and was continually being told things that made it sound like the person I cared about - who I had spoken vows with and done my best to try to keep alive when she was going to give up and give in - would end her life if I weren't around, that she would have no reason to go on, that she didn't want to have to go it alone or make me do so, but that I wasn't offering what was wanted, needed, which was her freedom though I had done my best to let her go play her games and continue to support her,; but while the words spoke what my heart dreaded out one side of her mouth, out the other would be uttered, "I don't know where I'd be without him, he's my best friend that I'm also married to!" The Silent Whisper's actions showed disinterest, frustration, jealousy when I would go off with other friends while she was having fun with hers, even pushing me away when I would make an attempt to be close to her. I saw it was for the benefit of others that these things were said, a way to rise on that social latter in one way or another. Why was I persisting in continuing on with such a farce, the people who loved me were gone, I was alone, and the light was growing dim enough to be nearly extinguished.
🎶The longer I thought I might find her
The shorter my vision became
Running in circles behind her
And thinking in terms of the blame
But she couldn't have been any kinder
If she'd come back and tried to explain
She wasn't much good at saying goodbye, but
That girl could sing🎶
And then, when I was on a fresh path of destruction that would finally get me back to that silver road that we all must take, I found myself connecting with stars that seemed so distant, brilliant souls that offered a soft light to guide between trees and over glades where no tracks could be seen. My sister of the heart, sky sister, soul mother and fire sister all gave me new words of encouragement, a bit blunter; they weren't just showing me that there was light but how to use the dark, too, like I had known when I was just a small child. They helped me tap that powerfully harsh aspect of my energy like my Golden Angel had initially drawn forth unknowingly when we were young children by calling me mean, to me that was like saying I was doomed to be just like my parents - dismissive, ready to guilt-trip and abandon me at any moment, or just beat me bad enough to leave deep purple bruises or even break bones. And these beautiful souls I was getting to know also helped me temper that harsh aspect within myself with the flames they were stoking and kindling they were adding to my own internal fires with their words and actions.
And today, my soul is a spire that pops, snaps and crackles with the intensity of the conflagration that rises forth. My Angel once more offers hope, joy, that familiar light and love that I have known all along. Some say we are beings of light and dark, that whichever we feed will win to make us cruel or kind. We are not one or the other though, we are a variety of shadows and light, offering what each person needs as we encounter them along the road. I treat others accordingly, I did that when I was young, and others did their best to curtail that so that I would perform in their circle of the three ringed show. Fuck That!!! I'm going to be a whole person, good/bad, light/dark, cruel/kind, I am what I feel I need to be, and I won't be accountable to anyone else but myself and the Divine. Accept me or don't, it isn't important to me anymore. I have met some incredible celestial bodies, and I can say with certainty that girl could sing! And that is why I love her, in every aspect or each name she chooses to go by, now and always.