🎶Here I lay all alone; Tossin', turning, Longing for some of your tender love.🎶
Today, a small group of us went out, the original plan was to see a double feature at the local theater (the film of Bob Dylan's life) and then Nosferatu. The place was PACKED lines out along the sidewalk and several shows were sold out. The one who would have bought tickets online hadn't been interested, and no one else thought about it. And in all honesty, we were having such a good conversation and joking around, we decided that it was fine, not to hit up another theater we would just go enjoy breakfast and more chatter. We went to a great little dive, a local cafe that all the college kids still love to hit up even though it's been 35 (or more for some of us) years since we had enjoyed those school days of long ago. And (Fuck You Denny's and Perkin's) the place STILL has the best damned breakfasts anywhere!
🎶I'm waiting for the right moment to come
So I can thank you for
All the tender love you've given to me🎶
While we were there, we enjoyed some dancing to the (mostly) 70's and (few interspersed) 80's tunes playing, and while JD is nursing a bit of a broken heart (and concussion) he did get to share in a few dances with Rahni, Dami and Mara, as well as with Lihn and Josh's daughter Dawn, who also danced with me through a couple of the 80's tunes and gave me a blushingly sweet peck on the cheek with a shy "Thank you for the dance, Uncle B, that's one of my favorite songs my parents still dance to when it plays." I couldn't help but laugh. The others thought it was cute, and I got teased a little bit, but so did JD since he'd shared a dance with her and got similar thanks as well. Other patrons thought it was fun and were also up to dance to a song or two, themselves. The owner got a few giggles when people were asking how much they would get off their cheque if they were to do a jig for her, and others wanted to know when the dance floor and stage would be installed.
🎶Candles they light the dark
Now I see how lovely the feelings are
All the tender love you've given to me🎶
It brought back memories, some fun, some sadly sweet: Vighn and I sharing candlelit dinners and dances with Joy and A.J. for their birthdays or those times sharing a song while coasting around the roller rink doing the two-step or just wheeling around the floor in a gentle spin while holding one another as we sang to one another. As we sat there in the diner, and Mara had shared one of her ice-skating date tales where she received her first kiss from Juen, in the back of my mind the time A.J. and I finally managed to reconnect (while I was living with my father, and she was with her grandmother) we had been able to share time at a football game where our rival schools were hammering one another on the field. She had spied me, sitting alone under the bleachers, drinking a Dr. Pepper and smoking a clove cigarette while waiting for someone else who never showed.
🎶Tender love, love so tender
Pulling me close to you
Baby, I surrender🎶
She came over, took the cigarette and was about to stomp it, but smelling what it was she instead took a long drag and savored the flavor, then took a long draw on my soda. "Only you... Dr. Pepper and cloves... what a fucking great combination; I forgot how good that could be!" Then she leaned in and kissed me, and we both let it linger for as long as we could, holding one another. Neither of us let go until they were clearing people from the stadium. But that night, holding her, kissing her, hearing her voice... it was exactly what I'd needed... I was able to sleep peacefully that night, knowing she was alright. She said, before we parted (her heading back to her grandmother's place, me to my father's home), "I guess you haven't replaced me; I'm still Silver's Blossom, and I hope I always will be." The smile she'd given when I told her no one would ever be able to replace her, that final kiss of the night with her tongue like a livewire as she seemed to want to exorcise my very spirit to keep with her; I dreamed of our souls in an embrace with bodies pressed tightly together and arms entwined, so we would never be parted again. I realized that yes, I did love her though I had never told her so.
🎶I want you more and more, can't resist you
Ooh then I feel your touch, tender love
Loving me straight from the heart, hold me nearer
Please let me be a part of the tender love you're giving to me🎶
As more stories were shared, I just listened with part of my mind, the others reminiscing on those beautiful moments, while I continued to recall times with A.J. and others who I had dated. There were a number of them, I had to admit, each one special in some wonderful way. My Soul Mom has said I do choose a particular style of look and behavior, perhaps I do, as I continue to consider it. Mara had made a small joke, and it may have been innocent, or even the backhanded compliment she would sometimes offer when she was speaking from a place of pain or jealousy like when young, I couldn't tell for certain; but, we were on the way back to the apartment. Dami and Rahni were on either side of me while Mara drove. We got JD home first, and all three of them were teasing me mercilessly, but Dami stopped and just hugged me and mentioned that if I was getting uncomfortable, she would quit. She was the first one to notice I'd become quiet after Mara had said that I was a "chick magnet" and would just have to love all of them who I have shared a dance with, and every other girl out there in the world who I found something beautiful or lovely to admire. It got me considering what it was that had me find so much good and virtue in women. I asked myself silently if I was some sort of man-whore, I wasn't fully comfortable, but something about what she'd said did make me a little uneasy; I started analyzing my thoughts, feelings and habits.
🎶Tender love, love so tender
Holding me close to you
Baby, I surrender🎶
When I was younger, I was a people-pleaser, due to my upbringing and how I wanted to belong somewhere fit in with someone and those I had wanted and felt like I belonged with kept dying or being ripped from my life: my Silver Blossom was the first, that endearing Golden Angel and the beautiful Chrysanthemum Firework, sweet Rahni, and others as well. I was ignorant about it, but I've learned. I do strive to look for the best and have even (in the past) turned a blind eye to red flags when I should have stopped and talked with the person about them but wanted to find more to connect with than not. These days after what I dealt with from my time with the Silent Whisper, I'm not like that, and am following my instinct a lot more than pushing away the uneasiness. I know I can be alone, and I don't feel like I deserve (or can handle) being hurt so deeply again. That more vicious part of me still says, No one will ever love you! You're not worth it, you'll just end up fucking something up and kill them or they'll die anyway, so why bother. Just give it up! But I know better than to listen to that bullshit, so I let it whisper for just a brief moment and then let it drift away like a bad scent on the wind. I'll stick to the smell of clove and chase it down with Dr. Pepper, or enjoy the wonderful scent of honeysuckle and cream, lilac and cinnamon or rose oil. Fuck I miss that wonderful Silver Blossom. I miss the sweet uplifting sound of the Golden Angel's voice telling me to have a beautiful night as she squeezes my hand with affection, or the rub of my Chrysanthemum's cheek against my own as she hugs me for a long enough moment that I can breathe in the delicate fragrance of her perfume while she whispers a gentle farewell until we can see one another again; I miss being held by Rahni, or to just have Dami's arms wrap around me to hug tightly as her eastern European accent slurs or clicks certain syllables to tell me how much she loves that I am able to calm her spirit. Yes, I love each of them. Is it agape, pragma, storge, eros... who can say for sure but me? And right now, that doesn't matter. It's love, and that lets me know that I belong.