🎶Prisoner of the past
I'm not here to ask you for a way out🎶
Yesterday was a gentle day of reflection for me. I got to enjoy some quality time with one of my favorite dogs, Ceiro, and his fellow packmate Leema was pretty well behaved for a switch. I managed to get a couple of good photos of each of them, which was nice to manage to do. I was mostly left to my own devices, only asked to come out for exchanging gifts briefly. Otherwise, I was online to chat with family and friends there. I managed to enjoy a phone call with my sister Joy Sighn, and hearing her soft voice offer some of the most profound phases that Grandma Tae would share when we were children had my soul reverberating with absolute bliss. I'm glad she is where she's more comfortable, though she's yet to figure out if it will be a spot she'll be able to have an improvement in her health. She had asked about the others, and I wasn't able to tell her much except for the little bit of time shared with Xey and JD and my visit with Mara during a couple of lunch and coffee meetups. That made her a little sad, disappointed that Dami, Rahni and I haven't seen much of one another.
🎶Storm is rollin' in
There's no stoppin' it, darlin', believe me (ooh)
I've got a tendency to run
And all I've learned from love is that it leaves me (ooh)🎶
I pointed out that I'm used to being alone, and while it can be lonely at times, it's easier for my spirit, less taxing on my defenses and energy levels. While Rahni and Dami have been no end of uplifting presences for me (much like that beautiful Golden Angel, Joy and A.J. always were) others do tend to make me feel like I have to be wary, guarded, and that is so much more draining than it was when I was younger. I'm avoiding a lot of drama, intolerance and other nonsense by keeping to myself as much as I do, which she compared to the eagle soaring above the storm. That brought a smile, and I recalled a notation about rain and how it is seen as something cleansing to the soul. I remembered dancing in the rain with Dana - my beloved damselfly - and how much happiness it brought us in times of trouble.
🎶The waves keep crashin'
What would happen if I asked you to stay?🎶
Today, I managed to get out for coffee with Rahni and Rosie, and while he is in town, Lahn joined us briefly before heading off to meet up with JD and Xey. It was interesting seeing him after all those years. Lahn was one of the Suns who was brought in by Tammi and Amilee when we were all still pretty young. He was 5, Vighn and I were a year older, and he ran with us for about 3 years before being hauled off to Juvie for knifing a dealer who'd tried to molest one of our Sunflowers after getting her and Lahn higher than kites. But the time he spent shadowing us boys and our partners in crime, A.J. and Joy, he found a place where he admitted finally feeling safe, being that his homelife was rife with violence from a father who suffered horrible waking nightmares of his time in Vietnam that were so violent there were times he would come out of it covered in even his own blood as well as that of his wife and children on his hands. It brought no end of nightmares to Lahn, as well, and that had him self-medicate with various recreational drugs. He especially enjoyed partying with "Lucy" in her Skybound home set with Diamonds. And he admitted still doing that this morning, so our little group went into a bit of uncomfortable silence from his over-sharing of that information.
🎶Whoa, say you won't
Let me drown in troubled waters alone
Oh, throw me a rope
Won't you tell me that you're still holdin' on?
Lahn loved the lamps of the luminary festival each year and would always have me help him write out the message he would send up to the heavens, to be free of the nightmares so his new family - the Keen Suns - could understand how much happier he was.
Feel the world on my shoulders slowly pullin' me under
And I don't wanna push you away
Whoa, say you won't
Let me drown in troubled waters, drown in troubled waters alone🎶
Before he left, Lahn and I spoke quietly with one another, and he admitted that he had been the one to get A.J. the drugs she had been into. I wanted to wrap my hand around his throat and squeeze until the pain left me forever. He could see the flash of my ire and physically winced. Tears welled in his eyes and his voice broke, "Please Silver... B... forgive me. I would have never hurt her. I would have never hurt any of you. I thought it would help. I was stupid then. Hell, I'm still a fucking idiot. I'm so... so sorry."
I didn't say anything at first, I couldn't as we stood there after his admission. Looking up he saw my own tears, with a nod, I agreed, "Yes, you are. And you will be sorry for the rest of your life. You were one of us, but from this day onward you'll burn alone in your misery. Goodbye, Lahn." With that, I turned away. As he reached out, I simply growled, "Don't..." it was the only warning he would get, and he knew it. I'm still angry, hurt. I left the girls at the coffee shop, and Rahni knew something was wrong with me leaving like I did. All I want to do is join A.J. I made a promise, though. Instead, I wish for a deluge that will drown me, a blizzard that will bury me and freeze all that raw emotion. Three steps forward, three steps back. Look, Dana, I'm dancing, just like you taught me to do. But now, the rain is my own tears.
I find myself grateful for such a beautiful group of people. I wish there were more of them, so I could lose myself in a sea of love. I hate being alone, but it's safer this way, for everyone.