🎶Out here in the fields, I fought for my meals I get my back into my living.🎶
Today, Dave took me around to run some errands, we got to talking about old friends. Tua was in rare form, more like he used to be when we were kids, getting the jokes really rolling and making everyone laugh and see the fun and wit he still has deep in his heart. It reminded me of how his energy and comedic acumen really did keep us all going strong when everything seemed like it was going against us, whether doing a task or fending off an attack. It always allowed me to draw on my own wit to get a rise from and encourage friends and incense foes to the point that they would falter or flub in some way that gave us a serious advantage in confrontations. Dave and I discussed that, and had one another chuckling, and at times laughing to the point of tears with some of the memories we were sharing, and it was absolutely therapeutic for helping us finally discuss our two brothers - the closest we had to brothers in arms, or spirit - as either of us could have had in those early years.
🎶I don't need to fight to prove I'm right
I don't need to be forgiven🎶
We talked of Wei and Vighn, and I finally shared with him those last moments with my best friend; and while it hurt, I was able to hold it together until I could get the entire memory of the ordeal spoken about before I began to weep. And I also shared the gist of the letter Wei had left for me. That brought tears as well, with the anguish at the loss of someone who had been more like a real older sibling to me (tough, and occasionally mean, but always the one who stuck up for me and believed in me when even our captain - Tua - had his doubts) than my stepbrother or foster brothers had ever been. Fuck, I miss Wei. Dave completely understands that, and as I sat there letting it out, he shared his own letter with me, taking the old worn sheet from a protected pocket of his billfold and handing it to me. He was so choked up he couldn't speak as we made the last 10 minutes of our half hour drive to get to one of the stores that I'd needed a couple of medical items from, things that I couldn't get anywhere else. While he was silent, I brought up a couple of fun anecdotes that showed Wei's humor as well as his ability to take a joke in return. Dave smiling with tears still clinging to his lashes let me see that he wasn't lost in the pain but that we needed to share a few more cheerful memories too. He shared a couple of his own once we were back in the car heading for home, and I got to offer one laugh I'd had with Vighn that had him look at me awestruck before shaking his head and giving a boisterous laugh of his own. (Each of those will be entries for another time, though.)
🎶Don't cry
Don't raise your eye
It's only teenage wasteland🎶
We also talked a little about A.J. as well as Aaron, Tammi, Lahn, Bob, Joy and Rahni... a bunch of the others we'd grown up with... and he loved sharing that moment. I could see he'd needed it, just from the look in his eyes. My older brother from another mother then gave me a bearhug and wished me a joyous holiday season, whatever I celebrate these days, since he wasn't certain we'd see one another before the new year. Just as he was getting back into his car, he said he was going to try to talk to the girls about staying. While I tried to note it was their decision and I didn't feel we should try to sway them, he admitted he's also sad that so many have left or are planning to leave and feels like he's being abandoned by those he also considers family. Saying it like he did, as he drove away, it hit me hard.
I went inside, and as I was putting things away the pain and hurt and rage got to me just as I was finishing. I barely made it to my room and closed the door before I just curled up on the floor to finally let it all flood out of me, tears, sobs and those horrible wails of absolute misery that comes from the depths of a soul that's known the worst pains. I had heard those sounds from others, rarely making such noises (or stifling like I was attempting to do) myself. I was exhausted after that; I'm still rattled and trying not to let it get to me. Abandoned, left behind. orphaned, call it whatever the fuck you want; it changes a person when it actually happens to them, when they realize that they weren't wanted - so strongly - that they were discarded like a bone that had all the meat gnawed from it. And that's when the harsher thoughts come in, Maybe the next one who does it will just crack me open and suck out the marrow. Then I can just be totally useless and not even a stray dog would want me. The tears come, the anguish sets in, and whenever anyone tries to get closer than arm's length, you let the shards of your battered, shattered soul prick, slice and cut them, you repulse them with your words as easily as the deepest purplish-black bruises would cause revulsion if a medic saw them.
Yes, as a child and even through much of my adulthood I was cruel, harsh, blunt - mean as hell - and even violent due to my pain that turned to anger as it continued to fester. And in my rage, even more pain and fear were heaped on others, the same as what I had felt when I was left behind. And I have spent a lifetime attempting to finally let that go. Finding myself abandoned again, this time by a spouse who was too self-centered to stop and consider that what she was doing - had been doing for years by exhibiting the same toxic behaviors she hated in her parents - hurt me as much as it did. And while I work through that, letting close those who I had always been able to trust so deeply, most of them prepare to go away. I understand their reasoning at least, but it does still ache, more than I feel like I'm able to contain. So I do what I've always done: I isolate, I draw inward and strive to deal with it as best I'm able; I let the tears slide down my cheeks and give a near-silent gasp as my throat closes too tightly to speak and barely allow me to breath. And I try to rationalize and justify their choices and my feelings with one another as an attempt to console myself.
And I find myself missing those already gone; like Roger Daltry, I cry out to the Universe itself that there are those in this world that are far too cruel and make others hard hearted, They're All Wasted!!! And in reply, the Divine gives me that sweet, soft voice filled with compassion, and I can almost feel that endearing Golden Angel's cold little fingers (even through our mittens) wrapping around my own as she comforts me, "You can't help that others will hurt you, or say nasty things. That's on them, and they have to live with it. But you decide what you'll do: how you act, what you say, that's where your power lays, and that's what makes all the difference!"
That endearing Golden Angel still has so much influence, even after all these years. Yes, I still cherish her for her kindness - that unconditional love and unwavering acceptance for others just as they are - I will always love and respect her, because she was the one who reached out to let me know I wasn't alone at a time when i needed it most.