bummed...sad & sick ='(
Surf's up...well sort of, at least we're getting lil waves this summer, it's better than what we were fearing from the 'cane's damages to the sandbar and everything...
Oh and to re-emphasize, my journal is basically usually my corner of sarcastic random thoughts...WHOever said that journals have to be in MLA format/style is insane... I guess everyone at ucf has a mindframe of a 5 yr old to all of u MLA crazed people =p
Those who hardly know me, stop spreading lies about me...i'm NOT the one going often to the greek advisor whining & junk...the one only time I have EVER talked to him was about RhoGamma biz. I don't know about the rest of my sisters on campus who have gone to see him but I have only seen him ONCE & it was about RhoGamma stuff & that was a very long time ago back in Spring '04. Besides, the only ucf people who EVEN know about AGD in my life are 1) sisters, 2) my friends that I've known since HS...and that's it...except for Rachael from TriDelt who's currently subleasin my apt so therefore she saw the sorority stuff I had, ohh & 3) friends who have seen my room... other than those people, no one else knows ANYthing about AGD. I haven't worn anything AGD to class at UCF in a VERY long time. I even have friends who ask me if I'M RUSHING in the Fall because they're not aware I'm already Greek (that is thee most annoying question EVER though)... That alone should show if I'm wearing AGD on my sleeve or not around school & such... good grief, so shut up
My appointment is Thurs evening to find out what's wrong with me & my health...I hate needles more than anything in the world...my heart rate has gotten ridiculously fast since mid-April among other things...Thought it was stress from finals being around the corner & stressful stuff that was sad & depressing that was going on...plus I couldn't find anyone to sublease my apt to!! Thankfully I finally did...mucho gracias to Rachael for takin over my apt...if not I would've been throwing almost $1500 out the window. A 96 lbs girl like me is not supposed to be experiencing symptoms of someone suffering from obesity, (ohhh btw my parents have been trying to fatten me up haha, from the 89 lbs I was back in Jan...and right before spring finals, I was around 93ish) Well that 89 in Jan came from not eating anything for over 12 hrs & having a vampyr getting my blood... (that means my blood was taken at the health center on campus - to those of u who don't attend ucf) My blood pressure is normally supposed to be around 98/58... The way my heart is beating, I'm afraid of what it will come up as on Thurs. I hate the fact that if its quiet enough around me, I can hear my heart beating...grrr and average for normal is supposed to be only up to 120/80. Once it gets over that 120/80 range, you're in danger of High Blood Pressure. Guess what? My dad's side of the family has a lot of people suffering from HBP, heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol and other scary stuff ...HOW comforting....grr
And I have these weird episodes of being nausous for no apparent reason at all at the most RANDOM times ever, that have occured more often recently. The other day I was nausous the entire afternoon, didn't feel like doing anything =( And currently as I'm typing this, I have this tiny nausous feeling, not as bad as the other day though, but still, it's stressing me out...
And ever since the beginning of May, my ENTIRE sleeping pattern has been twisted. I have NEVER taken a nap EVER during the day as far as I can remember...I even remember back in Kindergarden, we used to trick the teacher into thinking we actually slept during NoonNaps...I know I never slept during school ever or at home during the day either. Until recently... Lately I've been ALWAYS tired for no reason at all. Taking naps during the day seemed to help at first, but then the other day, I can't believe I fell alseep during my most recent Physics exam!!! I remember working on problem #2 at around 8:15am, the next thing I know, I'm waking up at around 9am still on problem #2, thankfully there's only 16 word probs on the whole thing...Grrr...I don't know what happened...it's either I fell asleep or I passed out...I am really hoping I fell asleep coz passing out sounds really bad. I can have my 12 hr/nite & still wake up tired....And about 2 weeks ago, I was doing homework at the school's library, & like 1.5 hr went POOF...somehow I feel asleep or passed out while doing physic problems from my book. Actually now that I think about it...it might have been more than 1.5 hr, coz I woke up around 4pm, and I got to the library around 1pm or 2pm coz class is out at 12pm.
As retarded as this sounds, I feel like I'm older than my parents & I'm only 20!!!! Geeez =( There is something seriously really wrong with my health lately...uber-sadness...
"ancient" friends - OMG I ran into John H today for the 1st time since proj grad nite '03...he was gonna trick me into thinkin he goes to Dartmouth instead of FSU...what a punk, he's gotten fat if anyone has seen him recently lol he has def packed up the freshmen 15...haha
retreat in AL - being Catholic totally rocks...this is probably theee MOST positive thing in my life so far in 2005 now that I think about it...it was really this amazing and awesome experience with the Lord that was shared with a whole bunch of college kids. Just thinking about it makes me smile... Anyways there are some seriously reallllly old towns in AL. There was this one really old AL town we got silly enough to get lost in on our way up there...the whole town was around the town square which had this huuuggge clock in the middle of it & we couldn't figure out how to get OUT of the town square...what kind of town these days has a town square? anyways, we kept going around in circles, well squares actually, & we had to go around like 3 times in order to catch the tiny "exit" or whatever...dude it was big enough for one car to go thru. The tiny exit was right next to a vveeerrryyy ancient & historic looking Radio Shack store...it was weird. This was a town with limited parking spaces, sooo yea, that was the problem...cars were pretty much parked everywhere. Some of the buildings somehow reminded me of the reeallly old buildings in Gainsville for some odd reason....there was a really old & tiny private school with really pretty southern buildings that was kinda outside of town. Ohhhhh & shortly after leaving the town, is when all of us got our ears popped lol...the altitude rapidly changed lmao. AND I saw mountains/hills in the U.S. for the FIRST time in my life...too bad we were traveling too fast in order to actually take pictures grrr. The only other time I've ever seen mountains was the Swiss Alps when I was in Europe.
Anyways...even though it was in the boonies of AL, I don't regret going at all since it got me away from all the depressing stuff in life. I mean like totallllly the boonies where there's no cell service until like 2 towns away and people say, "howdy, ya'll" or something like that about fiftibizillion times a day lol... ok not exactly town, coz it isn't even on the map because it's so small. Basically it was a missionary town on 1600 acres where like 100 yrs ago missionaries built to spread our Catholic faith in the area that was predominantly Baptist & Methodist. And in the Eastern part of AL, & almost 100 yrs later, it is still that way; it is like 95% predominantly Baptist, Methodist is 2nd by a long shot with like 3%, & unfortunately Catholic & the rest only make up about 2% of the all of them. Basically it's this really old religious town in the middle of no where. The whole town is around the church. I didn't think a place like this still exist today. It takes the kids who live there about one hour to get to the nearest Catholic school each day (which is at the edge of some town across AL state border in GA). And it takes like 2 hrs to get to the nearest mall...OhMiGosh I can't imagine growing up like that. But I loved every moment of it...it DEFINITELY lightened me up during the weekend to see & experience how simple life can possibly be with no worries in the world. Like my soul & heart were at peace...& I haven't felt that in a very long time...Ohhh I learned a bunch of songs about God...
dude... I must sound like I was brainwashed or something to all u non-Christians...laugh all u want...
Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary,
Pure and holy; tried and true...
With thanks giving,
I'll be a living
Sanctuary, for you...
I wish we could've stayed there longer away coz it was so peaceful and quiet from all the negative things in life...
I come home, and my life with all this pain, suffering & depressing stuff comes crashing back into my face...
I wish more people could be real like people I grew up with, instead I'm surrounded by mostly two-faced people in life... This is why I miss Gulf Breeze...people are real here & totally oozing with the Southern way of life & yet not country-like...just the way I like it...
betrayal - Gosh I must sound ridiculously depressed due to a zillion things happening in the last 2-3 weeks...well I can't help the fact that I've become cynical & bitter as a result of all this craziness. I don't want to talk about it or even think about it in the emotional state I'm in...the more I think about it, the more depressed & angrier I'll get...which won't get me anywhere... You're supposed to love everyone like how God loves his children; I'm trying...but that is impossible for me at the moment. (Saturday Confession time at church in the near future definitely) So for the time being, don't talk about it to me until after I calm down, whenever that is... So I'll let everyone know whenever I calm down & go back to my normal happy self... depending on the impending doom from my upcoming diagnosis.
For all the haters who are wondering why am I not dying fast enough, I really have nothing to say to you except for "Bless your heart & soul" & you all can continue praying/wishing that I get the worst diagnosis possible on Thurs evening and/or I pass-out while driving to class or something.
Oh and to re-emphasize, my journal is basically usually my corner of sarcastic random thoughts...WHOever said that journals have to be in MLA format/style is insane... I guess everyone at ucf has a mindframe of a 5 yr old to all of u MLA crazed people =p
Those who hardly know me, stop spreading lies about me...i'm NOT the one going often to the greek advisor whining & junk...the one only time I have EVER talked to him was about RhoGamma biz. I don't know about the rest of my sisters on campus who have gone to see him but I have only seen him ONCE & it was about RhoGamma stuff & that was a very long time ago back in Spring '04. Besides, the only ucf people who EVEN know about AGD in my life are 1) sisters, 2) my friends that I've known since HS...and that's it...except for Rachael from TriDelt who's currently subleasin my apt so therefore she saw the sorority stuff I had, ohh & 3) friends who have seen my room... other than those people, no one else knows ANYthing about AGD. I haven't worn anything AGD to class at UCF in a VERY long time. I even have friends who ask me if I'M RUSHING in the Fall because they're not aware I'm already Greek (that is thee most annoying question EVER though)... That alone should show if I'm wearing AGD on my sleeve or not around school & such... good grief, so shut up
My appointment is Thurs evening to find out what's wrong with me & my health...I hate needles more than anything in the world...my heart rate has gotten ridiculously fast since mid-April among other things...Thought it was stress from finals being around the corner & stressful stuff that was sad & depressing that was going on...plus I couldn't find anyone to sublease my apt to!! Thankfully I finally did...mucho gracias to Rachael for takin over my apt...if not I would've been throwing almost $1500 out the window. A 96 lbs girl like me is not supposed to be experiencing symptoms of someone suffering from obesity, (ohhh btw my parents have been trying to fatten me up haha, from the 89 lbs I was back in Jan...and right before spring finals, I was around 93ish) Well that 89 in Jan came from not eating anything for over 12 hrs & having a vampyr getting my blood... (that means my blood was taken at the health center on campus - to those of u who don't attend ucf) My blood pressure is normally supposed to be around 98/58... The way my heart is beating, I'm afraid of what it will come up as on Thurs. I hate the fact that if its quiet enough around me, I can hear my heart beating...grrr and average for normal is supposed to be only up to 120/80. Once it gets over that 120/80 range, you're in danger of High Blood Pressure. Guess what? My dad's side of the family has a lot of people suffering from HBP, heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol and other scary stuff ...HOW comforting....grr
And I have these weird episodes of being nausous for no apparent reason at all at the most RANDOM times ever, that have occured more often recently. The other day I was nausous the entire afternoon, didn't feel like doing anything =( And currently as I'm typing this, I have this tiny nausous feeling, not as bad as the other day though, but still, it's stressing me out...
And ever since the beginning of May, my ENTIRE sleeping pattern has been twisted. I have NEVER taken a nap EVER during the day as far as I can remember...I even remember back in Kindergarden, we used to trick the teacher into thinking we actually slept during NoonNaps...I know I never slept during school ever or at home during the day either. Until recently... Lately I've been ALWAYS tired for no reason at all. Taking naps during the day seemed to help at first, but then the other day, I can't believe I fell alseep during my most recent Physics exam!!! I remember working on problem #2 at around 8:15am, the next thing I know, I'm waking up at around 9am still on problem #2, thankfully there's only 16 word probs on the whole thing...Grrr...I don't know what happened...it's either I fell asleep or I passed out...I am really hoping I fell asleep coz passing out sounds really bad. I can have my 12 hr/nite & still wake up tired....And about 2 weeks ago, I was doing homework at the school's library, & like 1.5 hr went POOF...somehow I feel asleep or passed out while doing physic problems from my book. Actually now that I think about it...it might have been more than 1.5 hr, coz I woke up around 4pm, and I got to the library around 1pm or 2pm coz class is out at 12pm.
As retarded as this sounds, I feel like I'm older than my parents & I'm only 20!!!! Geeez =( There is something seriously really wrong with my health lately...uber-sadness...
"ancient" friends - OMG I ran into John H today for the 1st time since proj grad nite '03...he was gonna trick me into thinkin he goes to Dartmouth instead of FSU...what a punk, he's gotten fat if anyone has seen him recently lol he has def packed up the freshmen 15...haha
retreat in AL - being Catholic totally rocks...this is probably theee MOST positive thing in my life so far in 2005 now that I think about it...it was really this amazing and awesome experience with the Lord that was shared with a whole bunch of college kids. Just thinking about it makes me smile... Anyways there are some seriously reallllly old towns in AL. There was this one really old AL town we got silly enough to get lost in on our way up there...the whole town was around the town square which had this huuuggge clock in the middle of it & we couldn't figure out how to get OUT of the town square...what kind of town these days has a town square? anyways, we kept going around in circles, well squares actually, & we had to go around like 3 times in order to catch the tiny "exit" or whatever...dude it was big enough for one car to go thru. The tiny exit was right next to a vveeerrryyy ancient & historic looking Radio Shack store...it was weird. This was a town with limited parking spaces, sooo yea, that was the problem...cars were pretty much parked everywhere. Some of the buildings somehow reminded me of the reeallly old buildings in Gainsville for some odd reason....there was a really old & tiny private school with really pretty southern buildings that was kinda outside of town. Ohhhhh & shortly after leaving the town, is when all of us got our ears popped lol...the altitude rapidly changed lmao. AND I saw mountains/hills in the U.S. for the FIRST time in my life...too bad we were traveling too fast in order to actually take pictures grrr. The only other time I've ever seen mountains was the Swiss Alps when I was in Europe.
Anyways...even though it was in the boonies of AL, I don't regret going at all since it got me away from all the depressing stuff in life. I mean like totallllly the boonies where there's no cell service until like 2 towns away and people say, "howdy, ya'll" or something like that about fiftibizillion times a day lol... ok not exactly town, coz it isn't even on the map because it's so small. Basically it was a missionary town on 1600 acres where like 100 yrs ago missionaries built to spread our Catholic faith in the area that was predominantly Baptist & Methodist. And in the Eastern part of AL, & almost 100 yrs later, it is still that way; it is like 95% predominantly Baptist, Methodist is 2nd by a long shot with like 3%, & unfortunately Catholic & the rest only make up about 2% of the all of them. Basically it's this really old religious town in the middle of no where. The whole town is around the church. I didn't think a place like this still exist today. It takes the kids who live there about one hour to get to the nearest Catholic school each day (which is at the edge of some town across AL state border in GA). And it takes like 2 hrs to get to the nearest mall...OhMiGosh I can't imagine growing up like that. But I loved every moment of it...it DEFINITELY lightened me up during the weekend to see & experience how simple life can possibly be with no worries in the world. Like my soul & heart were at peace...& I haven't felt that in a very long time...Ohhh I learned a bunch of songs about God...
dude... I must sound like I was brainwashed or something to all u non-Christians...laugh all u want...
Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary,
Pure and holy; tried and true...
With thanks giving,
I'll be a living
Sanctuary, for you...
I wish we could've stayed there longer away coz it was so peaceful and quiet from all the negative things in life...
I come home, and my life with all this pain, suffering & depressing stuff comes crashing back into my face...
I wish more people could be real like people I grew up with, instead I'm surrounded by mostly two-faced people in life... This is why I miss Gulf Breeze...people are real here & totally oozing with the Southern way of life & yet not country-like...just the way I like it...
betrayal - Gosh I must sound ridiculously depressed due to a zillion things happening in the last 2-3 weeks...well I can't help the fact that I've become cynical & bitter as a result of all this craziness. I don't want to talk about it or even think about it in the emotional state I'm in...the more I think about it, the more depressed & angrier I'll get...which won't get me anywhere... You're supposed to love everyone like how God loves his children; I'm trying...but that is impossible for me at the moment. (Saturday Confession time at church in the near future definitely) So for the time being, don't talk about it to me until after I calm down, whenever that is... So I'll let everyone know whenever I calm down & go back to my normal happy self... depending on the impending doom from my upcoming diagnosis.
For all the haters who are wondering why am I not dying fast enough, I really have nothing to say to you except for "Bless your heart & soul" & you all can continue praying/wishing that I get the worst diagnosis possible on Thurs evening and/or I pass-out while driving to class or something.