why does he do this?
so last weekend was homecoming, and it was great! dustin came! alot of people met him, and said the same thing "y'all are sooo cute together!". and we are cute together, i love him and he loves me. what could be wrong? so he got a cell phone this weekend (finally!!), its with cingular so we get to talk for free. this week we have been talking a helluva lot. he calls me when he is driving so i can keep him awake. which is fine because i love him and like talking to him, even though we dont really talk about important stuff. but whatever. so wednesday night/ thursday early-ass morning, he was gonna come see me, because they were picking up a house like an hour from here, so he was gonna come here to see me and talk a shower for a couple hours, and leave at like 6. i was happy i wanted to see him and talk to him about us. well i talked to him at like 11 on wednesday night and we both said that we were gonna get some rest and he'd call me when he was close to here. well of course me being excited wasnt completely asleep, i was half asleep/half awake the whole night waiting for him to call...well that never happened, he called me 10 minutes to 8 after i had already woken up to go to class....the story was that they didnt wake him up and they had just like picked up the house an hour before he called me so yeah... whatever, i was bummed i really wanted to see him, but its ok i understood. me and molly went out to lunch at waho, then to the georgia bear factory! i made alittle teddy bear and named him budweiser, but we have then changed it to bud lite because he is little...molly made a google-monster, he is cool (although right now his head it coming off!) he has many a names, i say that he has multiple personality disorders so that is why he has many names...anywho so yeah, anywho so thursday night he called me when i was doing my spanish homework, i decided then that i would talk about us... but he told me to call him when i was done with my homework, i was like well its going to be like 2 hours do you still want me to call you? he said yea... so i call him back and woke him up, so yeah that conversation wasnt that long i told him to go back to sleep and we'd talk later...so yesterday i was like thanks for falling asleep on me i wanted to talk to you about something. of course that sparks his interest and he wants to talk about it then, i was like we will talk about it later.. he pesters me through out the day wondering what it is, well i finally tell him that it is about us, me and him as a couple...that probably wasnt a good thing, because he then aggravates me to tell him, well i didnt want talk about it then...finally after dinner i decide to tell him it probably didnt come out right, and i was crying through most of it, he told me to write it down and tell him so i kinda did... you have to understand its hard for me to talk about shit like this..... well this is what i wanted to talk to him about: me and him have been dating for almost a year, infact in 26 days it'll be a year, well it scares the hell out of me, because my last real relationship lasted for 2 years, and i thought that, that was it, we would be together forever, well that didnt happen. i have only loved like 3 people, one was kinda a love/lust you cant have me love, so it might not count, so then 2 people i have loved. but like i love dustin alot.. i mean this is the kinda love where i dont think that the hot guy on my wall is hot anymore, where i dont want anyone else in my bed but him, not even paul walker (so you know that this is some hard core love shit), and it scares me. i want to know what kind of future me and dustin have, because i dont want to date him til i graduate then breakup, i dont wanna waste 3 and a half years. and i ask him what kind of future do we have. and he dont know, he was like i cant answer that because i dont know. i know that he is happy with us, but he doesnt really know what he wants, he does what me he did say that. but he doesnt know what he wants in life... me i know what i want, i want to graduate, get a job, get married and have kids. i dont think it is that hard to know what you want, but i guess for him that is hard, and i guess i understand? i love him and want to be with him, there are little things that make me kinda wonder, not bad things but things that make me wonder about our future, like him smoking.. i always tell him that he needs to quit, and he says that one day he will, i tell him that he needs to do it because i dont want retarded kids, he just laughs, he doesnt say that we arent gonna have kids he just says that my kids are going to retarded anyways, even if he didnt smoke.. molly has seen this, so it makes me wonder, maybe he does want to have kids with me? i dont know, but i'd have kids with him in a heartbeat, they'd be some cute babies, i love him and do want to be with him forever, but how the hell am i supposed to tell him that and him not freak out?? (well i just did tell him, so dont freak out dustin!). so yeah back to my story, so i kinda told him this minus kids and marriage, and cried my eyes out... so yea i went to the play with tanya and faith, then we decided to go to waho. joey called me during the play, twice, why? no f-ing clue. i called dustin on my walk back to jones, he was back in pearson hanging out with people. which is fine, he is a big boy and can do whatever he wants. well the thing is, when he is with his friends he is mean to me. i always joke with him when we are on the phone that he is mean to me, but like when he is around his friends he really is mean, and rude and acts like he really doesnt care. which really confuses the hell out of me, because he wont let me hang up the phone without telling him that i love him. so for me to tell him that ill talk to him later, we both say bye and him hangup is kinda mean and rude to me, no i love yous no nothing. so anyways me, faith and tanya go to walmart to get some cash to go to waho, we do that and get to waho and like there is everyone and their mother there..all high school kids, so we decided to go to steak and shake. it was fun, playing with the mad-libs on the placemates we get back to campus after midnight. i call dustin around 1230, he was ridin with brandon? i think, i dont remember, anyways he was drinking which kinda surprised me, because he hasnt really been drinking lately, and if he has been it was a josh's. and i was like why are you drinking? you always tell me to not to, he was like well ive never stopped you so whatever..(well actually dustin you have, one night i was on the phone with you, and i was upset so i was going to take a shot and you tols me that if i drank it you weren't going to talk to me anymore).. so i was like ok, well since you arent talking to me, and you keep asking me the same question ill talk to you later. i usually get the response of, ok baby ill call you later...instead i get ok you do that, and ill call you sometime. and the way he said it was like what the fuck? who are you and what happened to my sweetheart boyfriend? he was rude and mean. so i told him bye and i love you, i got you to and bye. no i love you too baby that i always get, i got a damn you too. what the fuck? i know that he was with his friends and whatnot, but still he could have said something else nice to me. and he didnt call me back last night. so basically i cried myself to sleep last night, and i am still crying. i love him but why is he doing this?? does he not get that he is hurting me?
seriously dustin if and when you read this, think about it... i love you but goddamn.. i know that we arent going to break up, but right now my heart really hurts...and no it aint heart burn
i dont want to lose this: we were happy in this pic....
