The Breaks Between the Storm
I'm writing this now because this is another eye in the hurricane. I look back at what I wrote last night and think: wow, I was really pissy... but I know it's because I was in a lot of pain and didn't think it was ever going away.
Well, it's gone away... but like the last four days, I have no real hopes that it's gone. The weather is still trying balance itself out. I'm still incredibly broke and not too happy with life in general. So don't color me optimistic.
Thinking in the car this morning I contemplated how March and August are traditionally the shit-tastic months for my family. Yet Janurary overall sucked a big fat one, and so far February hasn't gotten any better. And if I were a glass half-full person I'd think: February just started, it'll get better. But I'm not. And instead I think: If January was as bad as this, what the hell's going to happen come March?
And that's something I really don't want to contemplate. January was filled with deaths, phantom and real illnesses and a buttload of financial woes... that's usually what March and August are for...
All these things piled up don't exactly make me ecstatic about spending time with people. I know it's not healthy to spend as much time as I do confined to my apartment, but with everything that keeps getting hurled at me from the fatalistic deities I'm not exactly good company to be with. And this last week of having fluctuating migraines among other strange issues punctuated that fact.
I think I need a life change. And not one of just eating better and cleaning/organizing my place and writing again... I need something big, and GOOD. Apparently good things don't find their way to you, you have to go find them, which is very hard to do when you're buried under so much physical and emotional baggage that you can't even stand to be around yourself.
... and that familiar twinge is back. So much for the break in the storm.
Well, it's gone away... but like the last four days, I have no real hopes that it's gone. The weather is still trying balance itself out. I'm still incredibly broke and not too happy with life in general. So don't color me optimistic.
Thinking in the car this morning I contemplated how March and August are traditionally the shit-tastic months for my family. Yet Janurary overall sucked a big fat one, and so far February hasn't gotten any better. And if I were a glass half-full person I'd think: February just started, it'll get better. But I'm not. And instead I think: If January was as bad as this, what the hell's going to happen come March?
And that's something I really don't want to contemplate. January was filled with deaths, phantom and real illnesses and a buttload of financial woes... that's usually what March and August are for...
All these things piled up don't exactly make me ecstatic about spending time with people. I know it's not healthy to spend as much time as I do confined to my apartment, but with everything that keeps getting hurled at me from the fatalistic deities I'm not exactly good company to be with. And this last week of having fluctuating migraines among other strange issues punctuated that fact.
I think I need a life change. And not one of just eating better and cleaning/organizing my place and writing again... I need something big, and GOOD. Apparently good things don't find their way to you, you have to go find them, which is very hard to do when you're buried under so much physical and emotional baggage that you can't even stand to be around yourself.
... and that familiar twinge is back. So much for the break in the storm.