i need to find a way but man it's so hard
I feel like I’ve entered a new stage in my life (I mean this is the least corny way possible). Stage as in stages a typical… female… goes through. For instance, I find myself thinking of certain things quite often… like house ware I’d like to buy or that is necessary, like the way things are arranged in rooms and interior decorating. Like I’m ready to move into a house.
I’ve come to the conclusion that for some odd reason I age or go through these “stages” faster than most people. I feel like I should be done with the schooling stage (and not just because I’m tired of it). I just feel like I’ve passed the… I don’t know, college stage. But then again, my mom’s always told me I’m too grown up for my age… which really is true for the most part. I don’t really know why. I never really was a kid. I never lived for the day. I sort of missed out on my childhood, and kind of by my own doing. I don’t know. Maybe it just doesn’t take me very long in each new stage to want something more… I just don’t know quite when or where I’ll find it… or what exactly it is.
Next thing I know my mind will be occupied 24/7 with babies… at this point I’m on my way to that point. I don’t know. I want to buy dishes and shower curtains, and paint and furniture. I want a real live job… that I enjoy, and some real money. Something a little more routine and a little more, I don’t know, important. I’d like to get married and make dinner plans and have anniversaries. I’d like to have sit down dinners. I’m tired of being able to cry myself to sleep unnoticed… I’m tired of sleeping alone. Sometimes I really just need to be held. I’d like to have friends. Which really doesn’t seem too much to ask for… but then again it’s not something I want to have to ask for. It would be nice to have someone to talk to when I have a bad day, or a good one. Or just when I want some company, when I want someone to sit around and eat cookie dough with.
Aah.. I don’t know what exactly I want. I just need something a new. A change of pace, of scenery. I feel like I’m just sitting around waiting until I’ll get mine. Because I’ve tried running and that took me know where. And I don’t know what else to do now but to wait. So I do. And the days and hours and minutes continue to slip by… leaving me with what seems like nothing. I feel like I can hardly remember anything of the last few years except that they’re gone and I missed them… and I can’t get them back. I keep missing. All I do is miss.
I’ve come to the conclusion that for some odd reason I age or go through these “stages” faster than most people. I feel like I should be done with the schooling stage (and not just because I’m tired of it). I just feel like I’ve passed the… I don’t know, college stage. But then again, my mom’s always told me I’m too grown up for my age… which really is true for the most part. I don’t really know why. I never really was a kid. I never lived for the day. I sort of missed out on my childhood, and kind of by my own doing. I don’t know. Maybe it just doesn’t take me very long in each new stage to want something more… I just don’t know quite when or where I’ll find it… or what exactly it is.
Next thing I know my mind will be occupied 24/7 with babies… at this point I’m on my way to that point. I don’t know. I want to buy dishes and shower curtains, and paint and furniture. I want a real live job… that I enjoy, and some real money. Something a little more routine and a little more, I don’t know, important. I’d like to get married and make dinner plans and have anniversaries. I’d like to have sit down dinners. I’m tired of being able to cry myself to sleep unnoticed… I’m tired of sleeping alone. Sometimes I really just need to be held. I’d like to have friends. Which really doesn’t seem too much to ask for… but then again it’s not something I want to have to ask for. It would be nice to have someone to talk to when I have a bad day, or a good one. Or just when I want some company, when I want someone to sit around and eat cookie dough with.
Aah.. I don’t know what exactly I want. I just need something a new. A change of pace, of scenery. I feel like I’m just sitting around waiting until I’ll get mine. Because I’ve tried running and that took me know where. And I don’t know what else to do now but to wait. So I do. And the days and hours and minutes continue to slip by… leaving me with what seems like nothing. I feel like I can hardly remember anything of the last few years except that they’re gone and I missed them… and I can’t get them back. I keep missing. All I do is miss.