Time to sort through my thoughts.
Okay, me:
- Someone (strangely enough the same person who claimed I was a glutton, also strangely enough my grandmother) told me today how nice it's been to have gotten to actually know me in the past year. She apparently was "worried about me last year" because I "was into so much black and so withdrawn from my surroundings". Last year was NOT a good year, that's true, and I suppose she had good enough reason to worry, but... Her spoken reasons were things like me not going into the water at the lake with everyone else (hello, have you heard of menstruation?!), hiding during 'family time', and of course, the black, which I don't think are legitimate at all. If it was that I never showed my arms, never ate more than a few bites in front of people, etc, maybe I'd be a bit more open to discussion or at least saying something along the lines of 'Oh, thanks'. At the same time, she's the kind of person who wouldn't bring those back up unless they bit her in the face and she had no choice. Anyhow. I don't know what my point with this was. I suppose it just bugged me that she remarked on it. It did make me realize how much more involved and not so self absorbed I've become though, which is probably a good thing... At the same time though, I still really want to regress back to my age 13 mentality sometimes. My conscious won't let me... along with the healthy part.
- She also asked me if I liked myself more now (which surprised the hell out of me). I had to think on that, and I think the truth is no, not really. But I am more accepting of and comfortable as who and what I am. Sometime I like myself more, but rarely.
Someone close to me:
- Her dad is either in denial or is seeing some truth that I'm having trouble with. It could fairly easily be either, I just can't easily admit to or act on the second yet for various reasons. I want to go up to her dad and just shake him and somehow make him realize that he handled things just about as badly as he fucking possibly could have. But I can't. I might be able to talk to him, but that would be odd because while I do have some experience with this, he's the parent and it would be like going up to him and telling him how to raise my friend. Which I don't think is okay, but neither is his damn way of handling things! ARG. My thoughts are REALLY mixed up on this.
Food:
Like I said, I feel more comfortable with who I am... I'd be willing to go about this healthily maybe, if I was sure it would work and not take to long. But I'm getting sick of myself again. I need some structure to my food intake. Starting now.
- Someone (strangely enough the same person who claimed I was a glutton, also strangely enough my grandmother) told me today how nice it's been to have gotten to actually know me in the past year. She apparently was "worried about me last year" because I "was into so much black and so withdrawn from my surroundings". Last year was NOT a good year, that's true, and I suppose she had good enough reason to worry, but... Her spoken reasons were things like me not going into the water at the lake with everyone else (hello, have you heard of menstruation?!), hiding during 'family time', and of course, the black, which I don't think are legitimate at all. If it was that I never showed my arms, never ate more than a few bites in front of people, etc, maybe I'd be a bit more open to discussion or at least saying something along the lines of 'Oh, thanks'. At the same time, she's the kind of person who wouldn't bring those back up unless they bit her in the face and she had no choice. Anyhow. I don't know what my point with this was. I suppose it just bugged me that she remarked on it. It did make me realize how much more involved and not so self absorbed I've become though, which is probably a good thing... At the same time though, I still really want to regress back to my age 13 mentality sometimes. My conscious won't let me... along with the healthy part.
- She also asked me if I liked myself more now (which surprised the hell out of me). I had to think on that, and I think the truth is no, not really. But I am more accepting of and comfortable as who and what I am. Sometime I like myself more, but rarely.
Someone close to me:
- Her dad is either in denial or is seeing some truth that I'm having trouble with. It could fairly easily be either, I just can't easily admit to or act on the second yet for various reasons. I want to go up to her dad and just shake him and somehow make him realize that he handled things just about as badly as he fucking possibly could have. But I can't. I might be able to talk to him, but that would be odd because while I do have some experience with this, he's the parent and it would be like going up to him and telling him how to raise my friend. Which I don't think is okay, but neither is his damn way of handling things! ARG. My thoughts are REALLY mixed up on this.
Food:
Like I said, I feel more comfortable with who I am... I'd be willing to go about this healthily maybe, if I was sure it would work and not take to long. But I'm getting sick of myself again. I need some structure to my food intake. Starting now.