Apple didn't fall far from the tree this time.
Today my word is Cruel.
Because I am finding, more and more, that I am crueler than I ever intend to be. That I can be so horrible, so mean, so despicable, that even I don't want to be around myself.
Today I used my words to hurt someone I care deeply for. Someone who is my best friend, my lover, my other half. He walked away. It hit me, all at once, how deeply my words had cut through him. The shocking part was, that he came back. And tried to comfort me. After I may as well have cut off one of his arms, so harsh were the words I said.
And the realization hit that I don't deserve his love. Or anyone else's. I am mean. I have tried my whole damn life to be the nicest person in the whole world. And I am, to everyone I meet at work, on the street, in school. But to the one person to whom my kindness should be given to without a second thought, I judge. And I become sarcastic, awful, cruel.
So today, my word is cruel. Because the day has shown me that I am much more alike to the person I try my hardest to avoid being like. My goddamn slut of a mother. I don't think I'll ever make her mistakes. But those little personality traits? I picked those up. Artistic, animal-and-plant-lover, baker, cruel.
=/
Because I am finding, more and more, that I am crueler than I ever intend to be. That I can be so horrible, so mean, so despicable, that even I don't want to be around myself.
Today I used my words to hurt someone I care deeply for. Someone who is my best friend, my lover, my other half. He walked away. It hit me, all at once, how deeply my words had cut through him. The shocking part was, that he came back. And tried to comfort me. After I may as well have cut off one of his arms, so harsh were the words I said.
And the realization hit that I don't deserve his love. Or anyone else's. I am mean. I have tried my whole damn life to be the nicest person in the whole world. And I am, to everyone I meet at work, on the street, in school. But to the one person to whom my kindness should be given to without a second thought, I judge. And I become sarcastic, awful, cruel.
So today, my word is cruel. Because the day has shown me that I am much more alike to the person I try my hardest to avoid being like. My goddamn slut of a mother. I don't think I'll ever make her mistakes. But those little personality traits? I picked those up. Artistic, animal-and-plant-lover, baker, cruel.
=/