On dissecting an argument.
Some nights, I just can't sleep. No matter how tired I am. Thoughts keep nagging at my head, keeping me up til all hours. Questions left unanswered because I know somehow that the answers will be painful.
you can't understand why I cry. The tears that fall are because the things you say matter to me. The way you see me matters to me. And when you talk to me like I'm disgusting/pitiful/stupid...it cuts me deep. We need to stop doing this. Senselessly hurting each other. You get mad because it sounds like you're the one being the asshole? I hate to say it, but a lot of the time, you are. Not saying I have no fault. But...instead of addressing the actual problem, you escalate it and make it worse. You call me names, talk to me like I'm of lower-intelligence and it just...frustrates me. I don't have a clue what to say to calm things down. And me not knowing what to do seems like it just makes you more aggravated. I've never fought this much in a relationship in my life.
But to me, you're worth it. Maybe you're right, when you tell me that I should go find someone to treat me better. But I don't think so. I want to work through this. I've never been happier and more comfortable with myself than I am with you. I love you. You keep saying you don't want this relationship thing, you just want to be a 19 year old kid, and go out and party. But just earlier that day, you told me that last summer, when you did just that, you were lonely. You spent all your money partying and when you're money was gone, you're supposed friends also disappeared. Why would you want to go back to that?
You say you need to focus on yourself, to get your life on track. That me trying to help you makes you feel weak. Makes you weak. But I've heard you also say that it frustrates you that you don't have anyone to help you, that you watch everyone around you be handed things, and given that boost up. I don't want to make you weak, I know you have the hunger to fight for everything you want and need. But it's a fight that I want you to face knowing that there will always be someone at your back, cheering you on, helping you up when you fall down. I don't want you to see me as dead weight on your shoulders, pushing you further down, further from your goals.
I wish I could explain all this to you without fighting, without going at each others throats.
If I didn't love you, if I didn't care, then I wouldn't still be here. You ridicule me for living life guided by my emotions instead of my head. Perhaps you may be right, but I'm the sort of person that would choose happy over rich any day of the week. I'd rather wake up every day smiling than wake up every morning miserable. You said you can't afford to be happy. That hurt me horribly to hear you say. It made me pity you. To live miserably all your days, because you've decided that's your fate? I can't come to terms with how abominable that would be. How painful. How just awful it would be to exist that way. I'm scared to death for you.
You shouted about this relationship being too serious for you. I'm not asking for a damn ring. I don't want one. I want my best friend back. The Clyde to Bonnie. The other half to what used to be a dynamic duo. When I was up against the world, you were the one at my back. Now I feel like we just keep kicking each other to the mud and I have no idea what happened.
Things seemed okay tonight, we went out for dinner, hungout with some of your old friends. But still all of this has been jumbled and tumbling around in my head ever since our fight last night. I had to get it out somewhere, and here is as good a place as any I suppose. Because just typing it out helps me straighten out the thoughts, keep them collected, sorted out. I'm not good at fighting, because I need the time to dissect every little thing, and make sure I have the correct words to portray what I mean. I have such a habit of stumbling over my words that writing like this works so much better for me.
This is such a long entry. Focused solely around you, my love. I'm worried about you I guess. Not so much about us. If we go our separate ways, I'll handle it as best I can. It'll suck, of course. But...if you continue going through life in this...self-destructive mindset, I'm worried things will only get harder for you. I'm scared to death for you.
tl:dr
I wish you loved yourself as much as I love you.
you can't understand why I cry. The tears that fall are because the things you say matter to me. The way you see me matters to me. And when you talk to me like I'm disgusting/pitiful/stupid...it cuts me deep. We need to stop doing this. Senselessly hurting each other. You get mad because it sounds like you're the one being the asshole? I hate to say it, but a lot of the time, you are. Not saying I have no fault. But...instead of addressing the actual problem, you escalate it and make it worse. You call me names, talk to me like I'm of lower-intelligence and it just...frustrates me. I don't have a clue what to say to calm things down. And me not knowing what to do seems like it just makes you more aggravated. I've never fought this much in a relationship in my life.
But to me, you're worth it. Maybe you're right, when you tell me that I should go find someone to treat me better. But I don't think so. I want to work through this. I've never been happier and more comfortable with myself than I am with you. I love you. You keep saying you don't want this relationship thing, you just want to be a 19 year old kid, and go out and party. But just earlier that day, you told me that last summer, when you did just that, you were lonely. You spent all your money partying and when you're money was gone, you're supposed friends also disappeared. Why would you want to go back to that?
You say you need to focus on yourself, to get your life on track. That me trying to help you makes you feel weak. Makes you weak. But I've heard you also say that it frustrates you that you don't have anyone to help you, that you watch everyone around you be handed things, and given that boost up. I don't want to make you weak, I know you have the hunger to fight for everything you want and need. But it's a fight that I want you to face knowing that there will always be someone at your back, cheering you on, helping you up when you fall down. I don't want you to see me as dead weight on your shoulders, pushing you further down, further from your goals.
I wish I could explain all this to you without fighting, without going at each others throats.
If I didn't love you, if I didn't care, then I wouldn't still be here. You ridicule me for living life guided by my emotions instead of my head. Perhaps you may be right, but I'm the sort of person that would choose happy over rich any day of the week. I'd rather wake up every day smiling than wake up every morning miserable. You said you can't afford to be happy. That hurt me horribly to hear you say. It made me pity you. To live miserably all your days, because you've decided that's your fate? I can't come to terms with how abominable that would be. How painful. How just awful it would be to exist that way. I'm scared to death for you.
You shouted about this relationship being too serious for you. I'm not asking for a damn ring. I don't want one. I want my best friend back. The Clyde to Bonnie. The other half to what used to be a dynamic duo. When I was up against the world, you were the one at my back. Now I feel like we just keep kicking each other to the mud and I have no idea what happened.
Things seemed okay tonight, we went out for dinner, hungout with some of your old friends. But still all of this has been jumbled and tumbling around in my head ever since our fight last night. I had to get it out somewhere, and here is as good a place as any I suppose. Because just typing it out helps me straighten out the thoughts, keep them collected, sorted out. I'm not good at fighting, because I need the time to dissect every little thing, and make sure I have the correct words to portray what I mean. I have such a habit of stumbling over my words that writing like this works so much better for me.
This is such a long entry. Focused solely around you, my love. I'm worried about you I guess. Not so much about us. If we go our separate ways, I'll handle it as best I can. It'll suck, of course. But...if you continue going through life in this...self-destructive mindset, I'm worried things will only get harder for you. I'm scared to death for you.
tl:dr
I wish you loved yourself as much as I love you.