Living Your Indecision
Title: Living Your Indecision
Chapter: 2
Pairing: Adam/Kris
Disclaimer: Fiction
Beta: pyrosgf
Chapter Two
“You know, I have been thinking and I was just being silly.” Kris walked into their shared bathroom and watched as Adam removed the make-up from the video shoot. “It was a dream and I shouldn’t look too hard into it. So, discussion over with.”
Adam continued to wipe away the eye make-up and then shifted his gaze to the mirror image of Kris standing in the doorway. Pausing to study Kris’s body language, Adam saw through what Kris was doing. “You don’t have to be weirded out about talking with me about feelings.”
“I know, it is just that…” Kris started but was interrupted by Adam.
“No, you don’t know. I have been fighting an attraction to you since Hollywood Week.” Adam turned and leaned his body against the counter top.
Kris stared at Adam’s bare face and saw a look of vulnerability in the older man’s eyes. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Adam smiled and nodded his head. “You pretty much look like the exact person I go for: gorgeous with a killer personality.”
Kris blushed and looked down at the patterned bathroom floor. “I didn’t know.”
“I know. You can't hide anything with that face. It doesn’t help that you are so nice about everything either.” Adam brushed back his hair and stood up to his full height. “Let’s move this conversation to our room. It is too weird doing this in a bathroom.”
Kris quietly nodded and moved across the hallway to their room. More thoughts that he could handle were running through his head. As he sat down on his bed, he saw the picture of Adam and Brad on Adam's nightstand. Kris studied the man in the picture and wondered why he didn’t see the similarities before.
“Why do you keep that picture by your bed?” Kris moved his attention to Adam sitting on his own bed.
Adam shrugged and then looked over to the picture. “He was the first person I gave my heart to. Even with the breakup, he is still special to me.”
“Do you still love him?” Kris asked moving across the room. Shifting his weight back and forth nervously. He felt like he was five asking Mary Beth if she wanted to play with him.
Adam nodded his answer and placed the picture back in its spot. Patting a spot next to him, he said, “Sit down.”
“I’m trying to wrap my head around this and I don’t know what I am doing.” Kris rubbed his face with both of his hands and then kept his face hidden underneath them. “I seriously think that I’m going crazy because of this show.”
Normally Adam would laugh when someone talked about how the show was driving them crazy, but there was something in Kris’s voice that made him hold back his laughter. “Do you think you are attracted to me? Or is there something else going on?”
“I love Katy. She has been my best friend forever and I did what you are supposed to do and married her. I figured everything else would just go away.”
“Everything else?” Adam looked over at his roommate and waited for Kris to remove his hands so he could see his face.
“The questions I had. The thoughts I had when I allowed myself to be honest with myself.” Kris slowly ran his fingers down his face and paused before looking over. “Only they didn’t go away when I married her and they have been increasing since I met you.”
“You married her to silence the thoughts?” Adam asked gently.
“No, I married her because I love her.” Kris kept his eyes on Adam’s but started playing with his wedding band. “I was just never in-love with her. She is my best friend.”
“Does she know this?” Again Adam was gentle in his approach. He noticed that Kris was fidgeting with his ring and came to the realization that he was probably the first person Kris ever shared these thoughts with.
Kris shook his head with shame in his eyes. “She is in-love with me and she thinks that I am too. That was another reason why I married her. I couldn’t break her heart and I knew that I would be happy sharing my life with her.”
“But?”
“This experience has changed me. Before this, I was going to settle down and be a family man because I never thought this was possible. Now, I see that there is more.” Kris moved his hand to rest on Adam’s thigh. The two had been very touchy with one another since the beginning, but now the touch felt like it held more. “I never knew that people like you really existed.”
“People like me?” Adam looked down to Kris’s hand on his leg and then back up.
“Open with every part of themselves and not giving a fuck who cares. People like you don’t exist where I am from.”
“I wasn’t born like this, you know. I worked a long time to be comfortable with myself. Hell, there are still days were I look in the mirror and want to crawl under a rock and hide.” Adam placed his hand on top of Kris’s. “Are you attracted to me because you want a relationship with me or because you admire my confidence?”
Kris licked his bottom lip as he thought the question over. After a long silence, he answered, “Both.”
“I don’t cheat.” Adam threw out quickly.
“I don’t either.” Kris added and removed his hand.
“So what are we doing to do?” Adam asked taking Kris’s hand back.
“I don’t know. I don’t want to hurt her.” Kris paused and stared down on his hand in Adam’s. Adam’s hand was so much larger than his own, and it almost covered his completely. “I also feel this connection to you. In a way I have never felt before.”
“I’ve felt it before. And it scares me because the first time was with Brad.” Adam dropped their hands and stood up from his bed. “Call your wife and have a serious conversation with her. I’ll go.”
Kris watched as Adam grabbed his own phone and then left the room. Adam had a separate room for his computer and liked to spend time in there to clear his head. Kris was almost certain that Adam was heading there to call Brad.
Moving back over to his side of the room, his phone stared back at him. He never wanted to have this conversation with his wife but he knew that it was time. He just hoped he had the courage to be honest with her.
After four rings, he heard the sweet sound of Katy’s voice telling him she was sorry she couldn’t take the call and to leave a message. He left the standard message that he was just calling to check in and hoped to speak with her soon. As he closed the phone he realized that he didn’t say he loved her. That was a first for them.
Kris got ready for bed and waited for Adam to come back from his separate room. After waiting a couple of minutes, he decided to rest is eyes. He didn't intend to fall asleep but soon these dreams were talking over his mind. As he kissed Adam in his dream, he woke up with a start and looked around the dark room. Adam's bed was empty.
Deciding to go look for him, he grabbed an old hoodie and pulled it on as he walked down the hallway to Adam’s computer room. At the late hour, the whole mansion was silent and he found himself tiptoeing down the hall trying to not make any noise.
The door to the room was open slightly and Kris slowly pushed it open the rest of the way. The light of the computer screen was the only light in the room. Walking in, Kris saw Adam asleep with his head on his arm lying on the desk. Large headphones covered the older man’s head. Kris knew from an earlier incident that the headphones were noise canceling, but he still tiptoed his way over to wake up the sleeping man. He didn’t feel like watching Adam suffer through the neck pain that was sure to come the next day.
As he got closer, his attention was drawn to the screen. Adam fell asleep watching some video that was still playing on the screen. Pausing, he noticed that it was a home video shot with a hand-held camera.
The camera shifted around to film a wall, and then looped back over to start again. The camera showed a close up of Adam smiling into the camera at an odd angle and then moved over to show Brad lounging on a couch. The camera shook as it came closer to Brad and then panned down to show Adam’s chest lying down on top of the smaller man. The camera shifted up again to film the pair from the side. The couple smiled at one another sweetly and then Brad leaned up to kiss Adam’s lips. The kiss was short, but Kris saw both of their tongues briefly before the two pulled away from one another.
As the camera moved to film Brad's face from Adam’s view, Brad laughed as the camera zoomed in close and then moved out again. Brad was talking into the camera, but all Kris could make out without the sound was, “I love you,” at the end.
Adam’s painted finger came into the screen to trace along Brad’s bottom lip and then the camera moved to film the wall again. After a few moments on the wall, the video looped back to Adam peering into the camera with his goofy grin.
Looking down at the sleeping figure, Kris’s heart hurt. From the way Adam talked about the breakup, he thought Adam was dealing with it better than this.
Before he could talk himself out of it, Kris leaned down and kissed Adam’s exposed neck. Kris continued his trail of kissing up to the side of Adam’s mouth and then paused. Pulling back and opening his eyes, he was met with the rich blue of Adam’s staring back at him.
Adam looked up at Kris’s unsure face and pushed his headphone down onto his shoulders. Ignoring everything that was screaming at him that this was a bad idea; he reached up and pulled Kris down to meet his lips.
Kris froze at first by the sudden contact, but slowly opened his mouth as he responded to the kiss. Pressing back against Adam’s lips, he slid his tongue out to brush along Adam’s bottom lip. It was better then he had imagined in his dreams and he couldn't help but let out a moan as Adam sucked his tongue into his mouth. Falling forward, Kris rested his body awkwardly on top of Adam who was still sitting down in the chair.
Breaking the kiss, Kris felt Adam breath onto his mouth as he rested his forehead against Adam's warm skin. Keeping his eyes closed, he whispered. “I want this.”
“Take it then.” Adam whispered back. He was in a vulnerable state right now and a warm body to share a bed seemed like the perfect solution to get Brad out of his head.
“I want to do this on a bed.” Kris stood back and gazed down at Adam. He didn’t know what he was feeling and he was sure that it showed on his face.
“You are sure about this?” Adam asked looking up. He knew that Kris was taking a big risk and he wouldn't hold it against him if he backed down.
Kris simply nodded with a small movement and reached over to turn the monitor off, leaving the room dark.
Holding his hand out, he waited for Adam to remove the headphones and then tugged on his hand to lead him back to their room.
The pair walked silently to their room hand in hand. Shutting the door, Adam walked backward, talking the lead. As the back of his knees hit the bed, he sat down and waited for Kris to follow. Kris took no time in returning his lips to Adam’s. Leaning his weight against the larger man, Kris followed Adam’s body down onto the bed. Deepening the kiss, Adam licked into Kris’s mouth and moaned as Kris let out a small sound.
Moving them both so they could lay on the bed comfortably, Adam ran his hand down Kris’s back and moved his hand under the hoodie and his shirt to find skin. Kris was torn between pressing back into the touch or forward into Adam’s body.
Kris slowly ran his hand down Adam’s chest and then pushed up on the material covering the man beneath him. As he hand traced over Adam’s stomach he felt Adam respond to the touch. A feeling of uncertainly flashed through him and he looked up to find Adam looking down at him and the placement of his hand.
Keeping his hand on Adam’s skin, Kris closed his eyes. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I just can’t.”
“Hey, it’s okay.” Adam brushed his shirt down and took Kris’s hand in his own. Rubbing over the knuckles, he waited for Kris to say something. "I understand. I've been there before."
Kris curled up on to Adam’s chest and let out a deep breath. No words came.
Removing his hand from Kris’s shirt, Adam wrapped it around the smaller man and let the stillness of the room overtake his senses. Soon, the soft sounds of Kris sleeping filled the silence and Adam was left with his thoughts.
His relationship with Brad ran through his head as he pulled Kris closer to him. Once again, sleep was not going to come easy to him.
Chapter: 2
Pairing: Adam/Kris
Disclaimer: Fiction
Beta: pyrosgf
Chapter Two
“You know, I have been thinking and I was just being silly.” Kris walked into their shared bathroom and watched as Adam removed the make-up from the video shoot. “It was a dream and I shouldn’t look too hard into it. So, discussion over with.”
Adam continued to wipe away the eye make-up and then shifted his gaze to the mirror image of Kris standing in the doorway. Pausing to study Kris’s body language, Adam saw through what Kris was doing. “You don’t have to be weirded out about talking with me about feelings.”
“I know, it is just that…” Kris started but was interrupted by Adam.
“No, you don’t know. I have been fighting an attraction to you since Hollywood Week.” Adam turned and leaned his body against the counter top.
Kris stared at Adam’s bare face and saw a look of vulnerability in the older man’s eyes. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Adam smiled and nodded his head. “You pretty much look like the exact person I go for: gorgeous with a killer personality.”
Kris blushed and looked down at the patterned bathroom floor. “I didn’t know.”
“I know. You can't hide anything with that face. It doesn’t help that you are so nice about everything either.” Adam brushed back his hair and stood up to his full height. “Let’s move this conversation to our room. It is too weird doing this in a bathroom.”
Kris quietly nodded and moved across the hallway to their room. More thoughts that he could handle were running through his head. As he sat down on his bed, he saw the picture of Adam and Brad on Adam's nightstand. Kris studied the man in the picture and wondered why he didn’t see the similarities before.
“Why do you keep that picture by your bed?” Kris moved his attention to Adam sitting on his own bed.
Adam shrugged and then looked over to the picture. “He was the first person I gave my heart to. Even with the breakup, he is still special to me.”
“Do you still love him?” Kris asked moving across the room. Shifting his weight back and forth nervously. He felt like he was five asking Mary Beth if she wanted to play with him.
Adam nodded his answer and placed the picture back in its spot. Patting a spot next to him, he said, “Sit down.”
“I’m trying to wrap my head around this and I don’t know what I am doing.” Kris rubbed his face with both of his hands and then kept his face hidden underneath them. “I seriously think that I’m going crazy because of this show.”
Normally Adam would laugh when someone talked about how the show was driving them crazy, but there was something in Kris’s voice that made him hold back his laughter. “Do you think you are attracted to me? Or is there something else going on?”
“I love Katy. She has been my best friend forever and I did what you are supposed to do and married her. I figured everything else would just go away.”
“Everything else?” Adam looked over at his roommate and waited for Kris to remove his hands so he could see his face.
“The questions I had. The thoughts I had when I allowed myself to be honest with myself.” Kris slowly ran his fingers down his face and paused before looking over. “Only they didn’t go away when I married her and they have been increasing since I met you.”
“You married her to silence the thoughts?” Adam asked gently.
“No, I married her because I love her.” Kris kept his eyes on Adam’s but started playing with his wedding band. “I was just never in-love with her. She is my best friend.”
“Does she know this?” Again Adam was gentle in his approach. He noticed that Kris was fidgeting with his ring and came to the realization that he was probably the first person Kris ever shared these thoughts with.
Kris shook his head with shame in his eyes. “She is in-love with me and she thinks that I am too. That was another reason why I married her. I couldn’t break her heart and I knew that I would be happy sharing my life with her.”
“But?”
“This experience has changed me. Before this, I was going to settle down and be a family man because I never thought this was possible. Now, I see that there is more.” Kris moved his hand to rest on Adam’s thigh. The two had been very touchy with one another since the beginning, but now the touch felt like it held more. “I never knew that people like you really existed.”
“People like me?” Adam looked down to Kris’s hand on his leg and then back up.
“Open with every part of themselves and not giving a fuck who cares. People like you don’t exist where I am from.”
“I wasn’t born like this, you know. I worked a long time to be comfortable with myself. Hell, there are still days were I look in the mirror and want to crawl under a rock and hide.” Adam placed his hand on top of Kris’s. “Are you attracted to me because you want a relationship with me or because you admire my confidence?”
Kris licked his bottom lip as he thought the question over. After a long silence, he answered, “Both.”
“I don’t cheat.” Adam threw out quickly.
“I don’t either.” Kris added and removed his hand.
“So what are we doing to do?” Adam asked taking Kris’s hand back.
“I don’t know. I don’t want to hurt her.” Kris paused and stared down on his hand in Adam’s. Adam’s hand was so much larger than his own, and it almost covered his completely. “I also feel this connection to you. In a way I have never felt before.”
“I’ve felt it before. And it scares me because the first time was with Brad.” Adam dropped their hands and stood up from his bed. “Call your wife and have a serious conversation with her. I’ll go.”
Kris watched as Adam grabbed his own phone and then left the room. Adam had a separate room for his computer and liked to spend time in there to clear his head. Kris was almost certain that Adam was heading there to call Brad.
Moving back over to his side of the room, his phone stared back at him. He never wanted to have this conversation with his wife but he knew that it was time. He just hoped he had the courage to be honest with her.
After four rings, he heard the sweet sound of Katy’s voice telling him she was sorry she couldn’t take the call and to leave a message. He left the standard message that he was just calling to check in and hoped to speak with her soon. As he closed the phone he realized that he didn’t say he loved her. That was a first for them.
Kris got ready for bed and waited for Adam to come back from his separate room. After waiting a couple of minutes, he decided to rest is eyes. He didn't intend to fall asleep but soon these dreams were talking over his mind. As he kissed Adam in his dream, he woke up with a start and looked around the dark room. Adam's bed was empty.
Deciding to go look for him, he grabbed an old hoodie and pulled it on as he walked down the hallway to Adam’s computer room. At the late hour, the whole mansion was silent and he found himself tiptoeing down the hall trying to not make any noise.
The door to the room was open slightly and Kris slowly pushed it open the rest of the way. The light of the computer screen was the only light in the room. Walking in, Kris saw Adam asleep with his head on his arm lying on the desk. Large headphones covered the older man’s head. Kris knew from an earlier incident that the headphones were noise canceling, but he still tiptoed his way over to wake up the sleeping man. He didn’t feel like watching Adam suffer through the neck pain that was sure to come the next day.
As he got closer, his attention was drawn to the screen. Adam fell asleep watching some video that was still playing on the screen. Pausing, he noticed that it was a home video shot with a hand-held camera.
The camera shifted around to film a wall, and then looped back over to start again. The camera showed a close up of Adam smiling into the camera at an odd angle and then moved over to show Brad lounging on a couch. The camera shook as it came closer to Brad and then panned down to show Adam’s chest lying down on top of the smaller man. The camera shifted up again to film the pair from the side. The couple smiled at one another sweetly and then Brad leaned up to kiss Adam’s lips. The kiss was short, but Kris saw both of their tongues briefly before the two pulled away from one another.
As the camera moved to film Brad's face from Adam’s view, Brad laughed as the camera zoomed in close and then moved out again. Brad was talking into the camera, but all Kris could make out without the sound was, “I love you,” at the end.
Adam’s painted finger came into the screen to trace along Brad’s bottom lip and then the camera moved to film the wall again. After a few moments on the wall, the video looped back to Adam peering into the camera with his goofy grin.
Looking down at the sleeping figure, Kris’s heart hurt. From the way Adam talked about the breakup, he thought Adam was dealing with it better than this.
Before he could talk himself out of it, Kris leaned down and kissed Adam’s exposed neck. Kris continued his trail of kissing up to the side of Adam’s mouth and then paused. Pulling back and opening his eyes, he was met with the rich blue of Adam’s staring back at him.
Adam looked up at Kris’s unsure face and pushed his headphone down onto his shoulders. Ignoring everything that was screaming at him that this was a bad idea; he reached up and pulled Kris down to meet his lips.
Kris froze at first by the sudden contact, but slowly opened his mouth as he responded to the kiss. Pressing back against Adam’s lips, he slid his tongue out to brush along Adam’s bottom lip. It was better then he had imagined in his dreams and he couldn't help but let out a moan as Adam sucked his tongue into his mouth. Falling forward, Kris rested his body awkwardly on top of Adam who was still sitting down in the chair.
Breaking the kiss, Kris felt Adam breath onto his mouth as he rested his forehead against Adam's warm skin. Keeping his eyes closed, he whispered. “I want this.”
“Take it then.” Adam whispered back. He was in a vulnerable state right now and a warm body to share a bed seemed like the perfect solution to get Brad out of his head.
“I want to do this on a bed.” Kris stood back and gazed down at Adam. He didn’t know what he was feeling and he was sure that it showed on his face.
“You are sure about this?” Adam asked looking up. He knew that Kris was taking a big risk and he wouldn't hold it against him if he backed down.
Kris simply nodded with a small movement and reached over to turn the monitor off, leaving the room dark.
Holding his hand out, he waited for Adam to remove the headphones and then tugged on his hand to lead him back to their room.
The pair walked silently to their room hand in hand. Shutting the door, Adam walked backward, talking the lead. As the back of his knees hit the bed, he sat down and waited for Kris to follow. Kris took no time in returning his lips to Adam’s. Leaning his weight against the larger man, Kris followed Adam’s body down onto the bed. Deepening the kiss, Adam licked into Kris’s mouth and moaned as Kris let out a small sound.
Moving them both so they could lay on the bed comfortably, Adam ran his hand down Kris’s back and moved his hand under the hoodie and his shirt to find skin. Kris was torn between pressing back into the touch or forward into Adam’s body.
Kris slowly ran his hand down Adam’s chest and then pushed up on the material covering the man beneath him. As he hand traced over Adam’s stomach he felt Adam respond to the touch. A feeling of uncertainly flashed through him and he looked up to find Adam looking down at him and the placement of his hand.
Keeping his hand on Adam’s skin, Kris closed his eyes. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I just can’t.”
“Hey, it’s okay.” Adam brushed his shirt down and took Kris’s hand in his own. Rubbing over the knuckles, he waited for Kris to say something. "I understand. I've been there before."
Kris curled up on to Adam’s chest and let out a deep breath. No words came.
Removing his hand from Kris’s shirt, Adam wrapped it around the smaller man and let the stillness of the room overtake his senses. Soon, the soft sounds of Kris sleeping filled the silence and Adam was left with his thoughts.
His relationship with Brad ran through his head as he pulled Kris closer to him. Once again, sleep was not going to come easy to him.