(no subject)
Been a while.
That guy I had the abortion with manned up and committed to me for two years. We lived together for a little bit short of a year.
Of course it fell apart.
He just couldn't deal with having someone else in his space, and felt like I was trying to take all of his time.
I'm saying this honestly because I need to believe it.
We still talk and see each other because I am a weak-weakling and I believe that I love him and that he's the one for me. That may not be true, but the other option was being completely alone and adrift and I'm just not ready for that.
I realize that he's getting his cake and eating it too. I know how much I've compromised for this relationship. But, again, the other option was being completely alone and I'm just too delicate for that right now. I feel like I have too few people on my side and I need as many as I can get.
Not only did I have to move out of the apartment we shared, I had to move into my parents' home, and I currently have no job. All of this happened within a two month timeframe.
I really haven't been so depressed in so long, but I'm trying as hard as I can to not think about it. I've started walking at night again, so thankful that the neighborhood is good enough to allow that.
I'm having a hard time finding self-worth and an even harder time finding the motivation to get a job. I really, truly don't want a job. But, my mother is pressuring me and I guess I can't stay in this state of arrested development for too much longer.
It's almost fall. I'm going to miss decorating for Halloween the most.
But it's the self esteem thing that's killing me. I re-read some of my previous entries and holy shit I WAS doing so much better.
At 32 I really do feel like I'll be alone forever and it makes me so sad that I'm just not strong anymore. Like, I can't even be told that things will be okay. I can't believe it and I don't want to hear it.
I have to figure out how to believe that I'll be okay again.
That guy I had the abortion with manned up and committed to me for two years. We lived together for a little bit short of a year.
Of course it fell apart.
He just couldn't deal with having someone else in his space, and felt like I was trying to take all of his time.
I'm saying this honestly because I need to believe it.
We still talk and see each other because I am a weak-weakling and I believe that I love him and that he's the one for me. That may not be true, but the other option was being completely alone and adrift and I'm just not ready for that.
I realize that he's getting his cake and eating it too. I know how much I've compromised for this relationship. But, again, the other option was being completely alone and I'm just too delicate for that right now. I feel like I have too few people on my side and I need as many as I can get.
Not only did I have to move out of the apartment we shared, I had to move into my parents' home, and I currently have no job. All of this happened within a two month timeframe.
I really haven't been so depressed in so long, but I'm trying as hard as I can to not think about it. I've started walking at night again, so thankful that the neighborhood is good enough to allow that.
I'm having a hard time finding self-worth and an even harder time finding the motivation to get a job. I really, truly don't want a job. But, my mother is pressuring me and I guess I can't stay in this state of arrested development for too much longer.
It's almost fall. I'm going to miss decorating for Halloween the most.
But it's the self esteem thing that's killing me. I re-read some of my previous entries and holy shit I WAS doing so much better.
At 32 I really do feel like I'll be alone forever and it makes me so sad that I'm just not strong anymore. Like, I can't even be told that things will be okay. I can't believe it and I don't want to hear it.
I have to figure out how to believe that I'll be okay again.