Wait for everything evil in you comes out...
'"Why debate when the actions suppressed?
Then kill the acquitted
Listen to the sounds that remain in question
In hopes to solidify a truce"
Today I began making arrangements for my next apartment and roommate. I can only hope that this time I don't get shafted mid-lease again. I find it really difficult to believe anything these days. I find it difficult to believe that there will ever come a day when I'm not attracted to her or a day that I won't care for her. As of late I've been visiting a therapist to help me deal with the situation I've put myself in and also to help figure out a way to rid myself of this self-hatred and depression I've wrapped myself in. I was surprised to find out that it's been going on quite a bit longer than I had realized. I've always felt like my mind was my own worse enemy and it seems to make more and more sense with each passing day.
Apparently I've been suffering from "clinical depression" for quite some time. I didn't give the theory much credit at first but the more questions he asked me the more I realized just how bad it was. I told him that for nearly two years I'd seriously considered dying in the back of my mind at least 5 times or more a week. I didn't want to tell him that it was actually more like once a day. Sometimes when driving home I would consider going off of a bridge (or something similar) so I could be done with it and not harm anyone else. I figured it would make it look more like an accident so perhaps nobody would really catch on. He asked me what kept me from doing it and all I could think of was "my girlfriend." We agreed that was unhealthy and that I should have many reasons to want to live but I was only being honest.
He asked me what reasons I had to want to do something like that and after telling him I just felt pretty silly that so many small things could make me want to off myself. Leaving my mom home by herself, my dog being sick, losing closeness with most of my friends due to their actions or the natural progression of life, failing classes, losing hope in myself regarding my "talents," lack of motivation in general, masking the problem with substance abuse, general dissatisfaction of who I was as a person, feeling like a failure in many aspects, feeling like a leech and being reliant on my mom and others for money when I could have just sucked it up and worked more, quitting my old job because I wanted to give up, being jobless and sitting at home depressed for months, dropping my major and settling for something not as challenging, lack of close friends, low self-esteem, feeling like no matter what I did or how hard I tried that I was just destined for failure or a disappointing life in general, extreme pessimism, self-destructive behavior, etc. Apparently I didn't really deal with all of those issues properly. I "kicked dirt over them and tried to ignore it" when it resurfaced in my mind. I was told that clinical depression can also breed cases of co-dependence and needless to say, I believe it. Hopefully with his (and my) help I can learn to love myself again. That would certainly be nice because I haven't really loved myself in a long time. Giving up control of your life is never a good thing.
Obviously, he wanted to talk about the breakup. I was sort of apprehensive at first because I wanted to just leave the matter alone since it is still a relatively fresh wound. He said that it would be fine not to discuss it but he hoped at some point I would open up about it. I got around to that yesterday. I told him the relationship became unhealthy, mostly due to lack of communication and hiding things from each other. He said that's a pretty normal occurrence. I told him my depression probably factored into it a bit and he agreed that such things often have negative effects on personal relationships of any sort. I told him about my lack of affection, disinterest in things I once enjoyed, becoming more reclusive, dependence on pot, bitter/pessimistic attitude, "clingyness" towards the end of the relationship, insomnia, tendency to zone out/daydream and not listen, etc. He said it sounded like par for the course but I couldn't place all of the blame on my mental health problems and I agreed with him 100%.
I told him that I still have problems with the whole thing sometimes and he said that's only natural. For as long as we were together he said I likely wasn't through the forrest yet and probably wouldn't be entirely for a while. "That's what I thought," I said "but my ex seems to think I was crazy for not moving on after a week or two." He said that's pretty normal, also. "She had likely already broken up with you in her mind some time before it actually happened so she had a lot more time to prepare -- you were basically playing a game of catch-up. That's how these things happen." Oh, how right he is. I told him I still had a lot of questions about the relationship/breakup that didn't seem to make sense. I told him there seemed to be inconsistencies that indicated she wanted to be with me or that she was in love with me. "Denial, most likely" he said. I told him about how you said you got hit on by some personal trainer guy while eating out with a friend and that you told him you had a boyfriend that treated you right. I told him how when we would talk about breaking up and I would get angry about you never being around how you would cry and say things like "I don't like this" and "I don't want this." How you would tell that old couple at work that you already had a boyfriend and you were happy. About how you wanted me to move with you when you didn't even care anymore? Why you promised me that you were still in love with me and still wanted to be with me. Why was it not worth it to you to have what we once had before? Why did you say that you fought for us when really you just fought by yourself without saying a word to me about it? How is it I had "so many chances" when you only really said anything about your feelings once -- and even then you didn't tell me the entire story or the severity of it all. If only you would have shown me your writings, your heart, your tears. Instead I had to stumble upon them while inexplicably depressed and lonely after you were already gone. Those words woke my heart up. It reminded me of how I used to show you my love with all of my heart and how I still wanted to show you that x1,000. Why did you keep all of your issues locked away on the inside, scribbled in journals and written in secret songs? Why did you drop hints about not wanting other people to get married before you when you really didn't want to get married anymore? Why did you tell me not to get my hopes up but then immediately after I don't think this is forever? Why did you get jealous when you thought there was some other girl over at the apartment after you left? Why did you tell Emily you would be jealous if I was with someone else? How can you be jealous when you didn't love me? Why did you invite me to the beach and then to watch "Stranger Than Fiction" together? Why did you write things like "I really do love Chris Lee quite a lot" in your notebook if you didn't love me anymore? Can't you see why I was so confused? He didn't really have an explanation for that. He said, "only she knows those answers and, honestly, you'll probably never get to hear them." *sigh* I guess he's right.
Anyway, I think I'm making some progress with everything. I'm hoping for change and I've felt like this is my catalyst since the very beginning. Something beautiful and magnificent will come from all of this, I promise.