I used to be depressed. I still am, but I used to be, too.
Well, here I am again. It's been over four months since my last post. It's August now, technically almost September. I guess it's time to post an update regarding my life. Buckle up because it will likely be a lengthy one.
My school situation actually worked out. I'm entirely surprised that it did because it's been so long since my school plans actually happened the way I planned. I was worried for a while but this brings some relief along with more worrying but that seems to be how I am. So far things are going alright though it's just the beginning. I hope I can maintain a good schedule, get my work done, take it seriously, and make progress. One of my original goals that I planned after leaving Arkansas was to go back to school and finally finish something in hopes of getting a job that pays better than the bare minimum. I need to stay focused on the objective and remember how important it felt to me back in December.
Speaking of December, I can't believe I've been living at home for over 7 months now. It's still so surreal to me at times. I guess things have taken a lot longer for me to adjust to than I originally imagined. I suppose that makes sense. I did live on my own for 10 years or so. I got used to doing my own thing and living how I wanted to live. I feel like I can't quite do that here at home though I do have a good amount of freedom. My mom is pretty considerate and tries not to bother me too much. I love her very much and am appreciative of everything she has done for me. I don't feel like I'm a good son, though. Sometimes I'm moody, reclusive, and annoyed but then sometimes I'm more social, positive, and helpful. It's hard to explain. I love my mom but sometimes communicating with her can be frustrating. Maybe it's just because she's my mom and things used to always be this way, though I'm not quite sure why, or maybe I'm just the problem. She has this habit of saying the same thing like 5-6 times in a row and it just gets frustrating because I can hear and understand things just fine. Once or twice is enough for me to get the point. She's always done this and I think it comes from interacting with her older parents along with also learning the habit from grandpa because he did it a lot as well. In fact, I used to do it it also. I realized this the first few years of living on my own - I'd repeat things multiple times. Eventually I realized other people didn't do that and I could sense others wondering why I did it. I worked on breaking the habit and becoming more concise and less repetitive. I guess that's why I'm not used to it anymore.
She also rambles a lot, which I also used to do. My dad does this as well, once you get him going he will talk forever. Instead of telling me something directly and simply, she peppers in all sorts of details that are irrelevant and distracting which also leads to tangets and a long story. She will just talk, talk, talk sometimes and I'm just not always up for that. I remember my uncle calling her "the mouth" or saying stuff like "my word, you talk so much" and now I think I get it. It's a petty complaint in comparison to all the things she's done to help me and I feel bad for reacting negatively to it at times. I'll probably miss it when she's gone along with wishing I hadn't been so critical of it. She definitely tries her best and I love her for it. I need to be nicer to her and try to bond more - she's probably lonely at times and given her age she doesn't go out or socialize too much, mostly she just watches TV in her room but I can't say much because I'm either doing the same, gaming, or killing time on the web. One of the biggest adjustments I've had to make is one that bothers me the most. The house is basically hoarder status. So much stuff piled everywhere for no real reason. Stuff we don't need, stuff that's broken, stuff that's old, stuff we don't have room for. One spare bedroom is filled with bags, clothes, furniture, my old stuff, and other things she's picked up and brought home along the way. You literally have to climb over piles of stuff to even get into the room - it's entirely unusable. Her room is filled with clutter, the kitchen is 1/2 full and non-functional, the living room has suddenly become another storage room with one simple walkway to the front door. When I moved in here the living room was 75% or more cleared up and I could pretty much live in there. It's weird to think that just a few months ago I was living in there playing Fallout 4 and The Witcher. Looking back on it, I feel like even those were "good times" compared to how I feel now. Now it's basically the same status as the spare bedroom. Closets are packed full, junk is strewn around the back porch and back yard. The garage is almost inaccessible entirely. Mom wanted to clean off the front porch so it looked nicer so I did it one day while she was at work. Within a few weeks it was just as junky as before. I feel like any type of cleaning I could do wouldn't even matter for very long. It's also hard to do basic chores aside from washing dishes, checking the mail, and taking out the trash because there's so much stuff in the way.
I understand some of her situation - she stockpiled a bunch of shit because she learned that habit from grandpa and due to work + taking care of grandma and grandpa + getting older + storing stuff for other people + hating to throw away anything + picking up anything she sees + everything else in life it just got out of hand. On one hand, I get it. On the other hand, I don't understand why it has to stay this way. I told her I'd be willing to help clean up, get rid of things, organize, and get the house back to normal but her methods are just really ineffective. I'd love to have gotten it all done over the past few months before school started but at the rate she does things along with how she wants it done - it will take her years to get this place back to normal and she may even just junk it up all over again. I've kind of given up on the idea that this will be turned into a normal functioning home during my stay here. She nitpicks at every single object: it can be obviously broken or junk and she won't want to throw it away. She may want to hang on to something completely useless to her for years. She wants to handle it in tiny increments, doing very specific things in a very specific way for each object and it just becomes impossible. She has yard sales to get rid of things but it isn't worthwhile in my opinion. She will make like $25 and spend an hour setting it up, six hours selling things, then won't even be able to clean it all up afterwards because she's tired so it can take two hours or so of on-and-off work. That breaks down to like $2-3/hr. At her age, it's getting to the point to where having these yard sales is difficult for her. It just doesn't seem worth it. Imagine how much sorting, organizing, trashing, hauling, donating, and cleaning we could get done in those 8-9 hours if she would just tell me what to do with things and let me go at it without being so indecisive and attached to this stuff. It would be so much more effective. All of this along with her parents old house which is full of shit along with a lot of scrap metal and junk piled in the back yard. We hauled off several loads and had another guy come get a few loads and there's still so much stuff left. I can't understand how she will get all of it done. I feel like I'm going to be left to deal with it all just like what's happening to her now. It probably sounds like I hate her. I really don't, it's so much the opposite of that. I just don't understand how she's ok with living this way. I don't understand why saving and shuffling through junk is more important to her than almost anything else. I don't think there's anything I can do to change it.
I love her to death and sympathize but it's troublesome to me. I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over and there isn't even really any room for guests at all. Ever since I was younger, it's embarrassed me. I stopped inviting new people over because I just couldn't explain it. You can't even vacuum or clean normally because of all the stuff everywhere. I'm not used to this because when I moved out, I was serious about not having to live that way anymore. All the clutter just stresses me out and makes life difficult. It isn't normal. I know she's aware but it just seems like nothing will really get done about it. I'm afraid to even invite company over now, even my girlfriend.
On the topic of "stuff," I finally made the trip back to Arkansas to get the things I (read: DJ) left behind. I guess it was my fault anyway for not handling it myself when I left and for trusting her to keep up with it and follow through. I should have known better. I followed my usual route to get there. Stayed in Asheville for a night, stayed in the same KY hotel again, then crashed at Josh's house for 3-4 nights. He was very kind to host me and he seems to be doing alright. It was great to see him and catch up, sounds like he's getting tired of Eureka and wants to join Coty on his adventures. I hope it works out for him, he's been a great friend when I needed one. We hung out, ate well, kayaked, went swimming, travelled a bit, and spent some time in town - good times. I also saw Haley but only for a day. She seems to be doing well, I missed her. She was also a good friend. I hope her plans for the future work out. She's a hard worker, smart, funny, and loyal - she deserves good fortune. We had a few drinks, hung out at her place, did dinner, and spent time talking about the old work days along with current events. I saw MJ briefly to get the rest of my stuff I left there. It was strange being back in that same house where I used to live. MJ was also helpful and good to me by keeping my things and being a friend. I tried not to think about it while I was there but it was hard to avoid. Lots of memories there and downtown as well. I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry a time or two just thinking about it all. I didn't see Dan & Jane, I just figured whoever responded to my post of Facebook were the ones who actually wanted to see me. I didn't know if they would really want too so I didn't bother them. None of the people who were mainly DJ's friends responded or wanted to hang out which is fine by me, that's their deal. I figured it would be like that. I saw those who were important to me and had a nice albeit brief stay. It definitely feels like a distant, hazy dream now. It's a good thing I didn't stay longer because DJ actually went to visit and teach a class a few days after I left and I definitely didn't want to run into her there at all.
On that note, the day I got to Eureka I sent her a message or two just because I had thought about her due to being in the area. The next day she told me she'd gotten into a car accident but was alright aside from her car being totalled and didn't know if she would make it to Eureka. Luckily her boss rented her a car and she made it anyway. I'm glad she wasn't seriously injured and hate that happened to her. Every once and a while I'll get a random message from her though not quite as much as when I first moved back home. I think once I started dating Jenn she figured why bother and started doing her own thing in Raleigh. I hide her posts (mostly to keep it out of mind and for self-preservation, nothing personal against her) on my newsfeed but sometimes her Instagram photos slip through. Not long ago I saw a picture of a guy who obviously went to Eureka with her. It honestly felt weird and I hate that it did. I knew immediately he was an interest. A few days later she's in a relationship on Facebook. Nothing wrong with that, I've been in one since March - but to be honest it's still unreal to experience. I wish her the best though, I hope things work out for her. She seems to be doing well at her new job, probably has new friends by now, and she's likely doing better than me but she deserves it. I don't know if I deserve all that just yet but hopefully some day I will.
Over the past few months, I feel that I've regressed a bit. Initially when I got back to NC, I still wanted to be with her but knew it shouldn't happen. Lingering feelings, I guess. I had to give up hope that she might change her mind to protect my well-being. I wasn't going to sit around, hoping, and being desperate because that's never worked out before. I didn't want to do it but I had to just move on and give up. After she told me that she left my stuff behind, I was mad and didn't want anything to do with her. So for those first 3 months or so I was ok. I didn't really miss her, didn't want to talk to her, wanted to meet other girls, etc. Of course I met someone as I already explained and we are still dating now. However, over the past few months I've been more depressed. My dreams have been more turbulent and direct. Sometimes I'm still sad things ended, sometimes I wonder what if they hadn't, I'd even contemplated whether or not I should keep contact. It would be a bad idea anyway. I don't know what made me think of all this - I love Jennifer and have largely moved on aside from the left over emotional inertia. I think the roadtrip home plus my initial return delayed my grieving process. Probably stirred up some memories as well, but that is normal. As Nick said, I should make sure to work through it if and not around it. I probably maneuvered around it quite a bit, but I did make it through as well. We did date for three years though and a solid portion of it was good so I guess it's normal to feel weird about things for a while. I hope things will work out well with Jen. We're very similar in a lot of ways. I hope that's a good thing. Hopefully I don't fuck this one up also. I'm not sure what the long-term future holds for us so we will have to cross that bridge when we get there. I'm tired of feeling depressed. It's defnitely taken a toll on me mentally and physically. I've gained some weight back, which I hate. I'm not being very healthy either. Still caught up in some self-destructive habits as well. Substance abuse can be a lot of fun, but also a nightmare. I find that I'm more emotional, disassociative, and vacant than usual. My dad went through cancer treatment and I should have been so much more involved than I was. I had so much stuff going on at once, it felt like so much to handle. I hope he knows I was there if he really needed me. I wish I were a better son. I feel really bad about it. I'm mad at myself for acting that way. I love him but I can barely handle myself right now. I need to get to a better place mentally and emotionally. I'm not entirely sure what I need to do but I have to make some changes soon or else I fear I'll be much worse. I'm almost 30 and need to get myself together. Some days are better than others but I still feel like I just don't like who I am. I need to change that. I need that "December energy" back. I need myself back - an even better version of myself.
I think that's all for now. I'm not sure when I'll post again. Until then, I hope for the best.