Forgotten post #1
Well, I did it. I'm currently sitting in the place I'm supposed to live now. Thankfully I got here without any trouble, albeit I was pretty bored driving at times. The town is beautiful, everyone has been very friendly and accomodating. The new place is pretty awesome save a catch or two but still a good start. I missed DJ and it's been nice spending time with her again. However, I'm conflicted. I know it's a big change and that I'm likely going to be up and down for a while until I get used to my new environment but I can't shake the feeling that I've made a huge mistake. I don't always feel that way but I've gotten it a few times already within the first week. I'm just going to chalk it up as being normal for the time being. What concerns me is the root of my problem doesn't seem to be the location or the people, though there are a few drawbacks. We're basically sharing a house with another lady. It's not too bad, she seems kind and friendly but of course there are some logistical issues that come along with the arrangement. I'd love to have the whole house even though we can't afford it. The roads are sort of disorienting, patchy, and narrow at times making me anxious when driving around certain areas. There are a lot of deer running wild so that sort of worries me as well when driving. Lots of stuff is closed on random days here, along with Sundays, and other various fluctuations. Closest bigger city is an hour away which discourages me from going when I wish I could. There are some positives as well, so I can't get so caught up I suppose. It hasn't even been a week yet. What really bothers me: I'm not quite sure if I'm happy yet and I've been wondering if living with my girlfriend is going to work. I love her but sometimes I just feel like we don't click as much as we did at one time. Maybe it's always been there in my mind. I did sort of wonder how we would work living together when it comes to a few specifics. Maybe I'm being too harsh. I hope I'm wrong and that it's just a case of anxiety and settling in. I miss my friends, I don't feel as connected to them out here as I was hoping. Time passes with no conversation and I sort of feel lonely. When I let my mind drift I get sad and sort of want to just go back home. I don't really consider where I live home at the present - mostly just feels like me moving into my girlfriend's apartment. I have many doubts rolling around in my head but I'm hoping they are temporary. If this doesn't work out I'm basically done for - pack up and move back with mom, to be specific. If that happened I think I would just give up on relationships until I can secure my own future. I'm going to need to find a job soon or I'll be heading back regardless of how I feel. I found out my idea about the school wasn't as accurate as I hoped. Doesn't look like I'll be hired on for any meaningful amount of hours but they do want a website out of me so maybe that can help pay some bills. I can't talk to DJ about any of this because she will just freak out and things will snowball toward failure. I sort of wonder if I can really be happy with anyone or if I'm just a permanently unhappy, undeveloped person who has to put up with himself until things end. I don't know - maybe I'm just really confused right now. I wish I knew. Hoping for good things.