Out of the frying pan and into a slightly larger frying pan...
I figured that it's about time I posted again. This is going to be a very long post as it's been some time since I've aired out my feelings. Somehow I always know when the time is right. To recap, my last update wasn't very cheerful. There were a few issues going on with the girlfriend when I posted so it probably sounded a little worse than how I meant to express it. We're still together and things have improved some compared to my last post. However, there are still issues that make me wonder. We are approaching our one year anniversary and, in my opinion, we are reaching a crossroads. There have been ups & downs (mostly ups or neutral, overall) but some of our core problems still exist.
I feel like communicating with her effectively is difficult and I assume she has similar feelings toward me. Simple things are communicated relatively easily but complex and emotional issues are another story. She has very little patience or desire to talk things out and her temper always proves to be an obstacle when emotions are involved. If I simply misspeak or she misinterprets what I say, that's the end of it. She's impossible to talk to after that. Then it just turns into her bottling stuff up, not mentioning it again and ignoring me until she just decides to "reset" and act normal. I feel as if things never get resolved and I worry they will pop up later and she will hold it against me. Her tone and attitude makes it easy for arguments to come out of nowhere sometimes. When this happens, I can ignore or deflect what she says and we continue without any issues but sometimes I try to stand my ground and she simply blows the fuck up. She also says some mean shit to/about me when she's angry. Some shitty things she's said makes me feel like she's unhappy with our relationship entirely and has been for a while so it's hard for me to understand why she's still with me. Starting to think she's less mature than I originally imagined.
She has been really depressed about her job for the past few months so I try to be understanding and I can see where she's coming from because I've hated my job for a long time - guess I'm just over it at this point and accepted that's how it is for now until I graduate. Sometimes it seems like she doesn't notice the bright side, though. At least she has a job with steady full-time hours and benefits. A lot of people can't say that. She also makes $10/hour and has weekends off. Compared to other entry-level jobs and available positions in Greenville, that's pretty damn good. I talked to my cousin about getting her a job where she works but the hiring process is so slow. It sounds like I'm really shitting on her right now and maybe that's the case but I honestly have no one else to talk to about her because all our friends are mutual and I can't risk it getting back to her without me bringing it up. She's mentioned several times that she has never been in a relationship as long as we have without having mini breakups, taking "breaks" or ending it altogether. This leads me to believe that I am right in thinking that all these crazy issues aren't just mine. Perhaps she's been in so many unhealthy relationships in the past that she isn't quite familiar with one that's a little healthier and "normal."
Aside from this issue (which I consider to be moderate-to-major in the long run,) I feel like we do fairly well. We don't force ourselves on each other, she always lets me know what she's thinking, we enjoy time to ourselves, we have similar interests/hobbies, and we are decent cooperative problem solvers. Other issues I have are simply little things that come with relationships: she's a "backseat" everything - driver, gamer, cook, etc, etc. Sometimes her criticism seems unnecessary and unintentionally harsh. Sex has come to a near standstill, we're hardly ever physically intimate. This is an issue I see on the horizon that if not addressed or fixed, will be a contributing factor to me breaking up. Not to say it's all her fault because it honestly isn't. I share 50% of the blame as well. However, it seems to me that we aren't compatible in that area right now. She's had lot going on so I can understand if she hasn't been in the mood. It just seems like she just wants to "bang" and I want to have more emotional involvement, etc so we haven't sync up on that in a while. A lot of times I want to initiate or ask but there's always some reason for me to believe that she isn't in the mood for me to even bother (she has a headache literally all the time, doesn't feel good, is bummed out, she's sleepy, etc, etc.) Not to say that's her fault, just poor timing between the two of us. We talked about moving in together recently and decided that we are not ready for that and I think that's a wise idea. We want to be 100% excited and in-favor of living together but right now it would simply be out of convenience and necessity which doesn't make for a good relationship building block (I know, I've been there.) It seems like she will be moving to her grandmother's house soon and I'll be leaving Ayden. We decided to stay together but we all know things like this are easier said than done. Hopefully we can make improvements and stay together because there IS a lot of good between us. Time will tell. Enough of all this relationship drama, on to other things..
I have 30 days to move out of my house in Ayden. For real this time, though. Andy got a girlfriend and has literally been pussy-whipped for months now. He's ready to move out a month early and hasn't been staying here since January. It's his first real, adult-life girlfriend and he went from being a virgin with pretty much 0 dating experience to BEING READY TO MOVE IN WITH A GIRL AND CONSIDER PROPOSING ALL IN A 4 MONTH PERIOD. Sorry for the caps lock but I had to emphasize that last part because it's so damn crazy to me. I'm happy for him, I can tell he's happier as well. But, I hate to see him potentially making some very serious mistakes early on and I know how it is being wrapped up in your first real relationship - you're blind to everything else in the world. This means he won't be moving into Greenville with me as we originally planned. This also means he's moving a month early and Joe/Kristin are moving in when he leaves. Thus giving me 30 days to find a new place to live. Pretty fucked, in my opinion. If I could tell them all my unabashed thoughts and rants about it, I would. Because it's honestly pretty fucked up for them to put me in this position while I still have classes going on and nowhere to really go by myself. I held my tongue for most of it, though. Why bother? It won't change anything - instead it will alienate me from these people I know and call "friends." For the most part we're all still cool, though. It is what it is. Good luck to Andy, I really really hope it works out for him. Otherwise he'll have nowhere else to go except back to PA because I'm not going down that road again. On Joe & Kristin -- I can't see her lasting long in this house. It's a wreck compared to what she's dreaming of. No idea what they'll do to it but they'll make something work. I'm hoping things work out for me, too. I might be couch surfing for a while but I'm going to do my best to settle in somewhere else. A roommate would be awesome but I'm feeling like that won't happen soon enough. School is going well, I didn't screw up my financial aid though I came close not being able to get it again. Hopefully this 30 day thing won't ruin my last few weeks for me. That would be the worst.
I feel like communicating with her effectively is difficult and I assume she has similar feelings toward me. Simple things are communicated relatively easily but complex and emotional issues are another story. She has very little patience or desire to talk things out and her temper always proves to be an obstacle when emotions are involved. If I simply misspeak or she misinterprets what I say, that's the end of it. She's impossible to talk to after that. Then it just turns into her bottling stuff up, not mentioning it again and ignoring me until she just decides to "reset" and act normal. I feel as if things never get resolved and I worry they will pop up later and she will hold it against me. Her tone and attitude makes it easy for arguments to come out of nowhere sometimes. When this happens, I can ignore or deflect what she says and we continue without any issues but sometimes I try to stand my ground and she simply blows the fuck up. She also says some mean shit to/about me when she's angry. Some shitty things she's said makes me feel like she's unhappy with our relationship entirely and has been for a while so it's hard for me to understand why she's still with me. Starting to think she's less mature than I originally imagined.
She has been really depressed about her job for the past few months so I try to be understanding and I can see where she's coming from because I've hated my job for a long time - guess I'm just over it at this point and accepted that's how it is for now until I graduate. Sometimes it seems like she doesn't notice the bright side, though. At least she has a job with steady full-time hours and benefits. A lot of people can't say that. She also makes $10/hour and has weekends off. Compared to other entry-level jobs and available positions in Greenville, that's pretty damn good. I talked to my cousin about getting her a job where she works but the hiring process is so slow. It sounds like I'm really shitting on her right now and maybe that's the case but I honestly have no one else to talk to about her because all our friends are mutual and I can't risk it getting back to her without me bringing it up. She's mentioned several times that she has never been in a relationship as long as we have without having mini breakups, taking "breaks" or ending it altogether. This leads me to believe that I am right in thinking that all these crazy issues aren't just mine. Perhaps she's been in so many unhealthy relationships in the past that she isn't quite familiar with one that's a little healthier and "normal."
Aside from this issue (which I consider to be moderate-to-major in the long run,) I feel like we do fairly well. We don't force ourselves on each other, she always lets me know what she's thinking, we enjoy time to ourselves, we have similar interests/hobbies, and we are decent cooperative problem solvers. Other issues I have are simply little things that come with relationships: she's a "backseat" everything - driver, gamer, cook, etc, etc. Sometimes her criticism seems unnecessary and unintentionally harsh. Sex has come to a near standstill, we're hardly ever physically intimate. This is an issue I see on the horizon that if not addressed or fixed, will be a contributing factor to me breaking up. Not to say it's all her fault because it honestly isn't. I share 50% of the blame as well. However, it seems to me that we aren't compatible in that area right now. She's had lot going on so I can understand if she hasn't been in the mood. It just seems like she just wants to "bang" and I want to have more emotional involvement, etc so we haven't sync up on that in a while. A lot of times I want to initiate or ask but there's always some reason for me to believe that she isn't in the mood for me to even bother (she has a headache literally all the time, doesn't feel good, is bummed out, she's sleepy, etc, etc.) Not to say that's her fault, just poor timing between the two of us. We talked about moving in together recently and decided that we are not ready for that and I think that's a wise idea. We want to be 100% excited and in-favor of living together but right now it would simply be out of convenience and necessity which doesn't make for a good relationship building block (I know, I've been there.) It seems like she will be moving to her grandmother's house soon and I'll be leaving Ayden. We decided to stay together but we all know things like this are easier said than done. Hopefully we can make improvements and stay together because there IS a lot of good between us. Time will tell. Enough of all this relationship drama, on to other things..
I have 30 days to move out of my house in Ayden. For real this time, though. Andy got a girlfriend and has literally been pussy-whipped for months now. He's ready to move out a month early and hasn't been staying here since January. It's his first real, adult-life girlfriend and he went from being a virgin with pretty much 0 dating experience to BEING READY TO MOVE IN WITH A GIRL AND CONSIDER PROPOSING ALL IN A 4 MONTH PERIOD. Sorry for the caps lock but I had to emphasize that last part because it's so damn crazy to me. I'm happy for him, I can tell he's happier as well. But, I hate to see him potentially making some very serious mistakes early on and I know how it is being wrapped up in your first real relationship - you're blind to everything else in the world. This means he won't be moving into Greenville with me as we originally planned. This also means he's moving a month early and Joe/Kristin are moving in when he leaves. Thus giving me 30 days to find a new place to live. Pretty fucked, in my opinion. If I could tell them all my unabashed thoughts and rants about it, I would. Because it's honestly pretty fucked up for them to put me in this position while I still have classes going on and nowhere to really go by myself. I held my tongue for most of it, though. Why bother? It won't change anything - instead it will alienate me from these people I know and call "friends." For the most part we're all still cool, though. It is what it is. Good luck to Andy, I really really hope it works out for him. Otherwise he'll have nowhere else to go except back to PA because I'm not going down that road again. On Joe & Kristin -- I can't see her lasting long in this house. It's a wreck compared to what she's dreaming of. No idea what they'll do to it but they'll make something work. I'm hoping things work out for me, too. I might be couch surfing for a while but I'm going to do my best to settle in somewhere else. A roommate would be awesome but I'm feeling like that won't happen soon enough. School is going well, I didn't screw up my financial aid though I came close not being able to get it again. Hopefully this 30 day thing won't ruin my last few weeks for me. That would be the worst.