"All that is left is all that I hide..."
"You are still a whisper on my lips
A feelin' at my fingertips
That's pullin' at my skin
You leave me when I'm at my worst
Feelin' as if I've been cursed
Bitter cold within
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you"
Hmmm. Not much to say tonight. It's 2010, a brand new year. A year which will, hopefully, define direction and progression. A new beginning, as they say. It is my mission to make this year much better than the last. I've been doing my best to redefine myself. To find what I lost long ago. It's coming along slowly but I am certainly making progress. Therapy is still going well and work has improved ever so slightly. I am making effort to improve myself in many areas. I have a few resolutions for the new year. One being that I want to become a tidier and more organized person. So far I'm doing better than I have in the past few years. I wash dishes and clothes regularly, I create schedules and stick to them (mostly,) I feel like less of a failure because I see that I still have more time to accomplish the things that I want in life (I'm only 21, after all.) Focusing on the positive is something I try to do more often. I have some college credits under my belt, I have years of work experience with good references (also, technically, a "manager" position -- hooray,) I have a skill set that I can build upon, I'm still young, I have good friends and a great family, I have the sweetest kitty cat I could ever ask for, I have a place to live, food to eat and a vehicle to drive. Not everyone has all of these things, so I am indeed grateful. I have dreams! Dreams that I hope to accomplish. I've always had them but for a while I sincerely gave up. I'm taking a trip up to D.C. next week to visit an old friend (Alex) who I met while in Florida back in 2003. I'm going to stay with him for three nights and go see City & Colour (super yay!) on Jan. 7th. I'll probably visit some of the historical/government sites while I'm there. I haven't seen that place since 7th grade so it will be nice to visit it again. I've really enjoyed traveling lately. I've been trying to get out and do more things and I must say I am enjoying it. I forgot how much fun it can be to take a random trip somewhere for no reason than just to escape the monotony of Greenville and everyday life. I guess turning into a depressed hermit sort of made me forget how much I enjoy things like that. I plan on visiting Nashville/Mt Juliet (of all places) sometime in February, back to Boca Raton during the spring and hopefully, if I play my cards right, Spain during the summer! I'm sure random road trips will be interspersed throughout as well but I'm really really really excited for D.C. and the possibility of Spain.
As for my love life, well, there is none to speak of. I find myself emotionally unavailable. My heart still hasn't moved on entirely from the previous relationship. Whenever I think of love, I still think of her. She still, unwittingly and unwillingly, has my heart. When I imagine doing something romantic or being in love with someone I just feel empty and my mind drifts to her. I've been on a few dates but none of them proved fruitful. I just didn't feel that old familiar feeling. That feeling I got the night I first met her. I had a one-night-fling-thing but that was really awkward and I never want to do it again. I prefer sex with someone I care deeply for, someone who I'm in a committed relationship with; not someone who chooses to cling to me for a night because she's intoxicated and/or single. The majority of the girls that I've met around here are all the same: college-types who aren't much up for commitment and are somewhat immature/young at heart. None of them as amazing as my last girlfriend. Some would say I've "put her on a pedestal" but in reality she's just that awesome. Loving, sweet, beautiful, very intelligent, cute, funny, talented, unique, silly, creative, fun...blah blah blah. No matter where I go or who I meet she's still the most beautiful girl -- no -- the most beautiful person I've ever met, inside and out. Definitely. If only I could take these feelings and put them inside of her heart. Just so she could feel it, to experience what I feel when I think of her. I'll probably always love her even if I'm not in love with her. I wish she understood that no matter what happens in life, no matter who comes and goes -- I will always want to be there, even if it's just as a friend (though I'm not ready for the friendship thing yet.) I doubt we will ever really be friends, though. I think she hates me. I probably make her feel really uncomfortable and that kills me inside. The one heart I've always wanted to love and heal, I broke. Maybe forgetting I ever existed is the best thing for both of us. I'm afraid this fire for her will always exist in the form of some tiny, smoldering ember. I pray (cue the "wat?!") every night for God to take my love for her from me but so far the only thing I've managed to get in return is "endurance." I don't know exactly how I came about it or what, specifically, it means but hopefully I'll find out eventually. Finding someone to fill her shoes is going to be nigh impossible. I hope some day I can be lucky enough to find another love like my last that. If I don't, well, once in a lifetime is good enough. I can't be too greedy. It's been really tough at times but I suppose it is all part of the experience of life. I am becoming stronger from this and I know she's already a stronger person as well. The fact that her heart is happy and blissfully in love makes all of this worth it. "If my walls should crumble for your castle to be built / I'd give you the shovel from my hands and, in my heart, keep the guilt." I wrote that a while ago. I've been writing a lot more lately. Mostly prose and poetry but some songs as well. I haven't really written anything seriously in years. I'm really enjoying it. I forgot how much I like reading and writing.