(no subject)
It's 430 in the morning & I'm just sitting here, completely wired. Fresh off a plane - 4 hours ago. Simply sitting here trying to figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life. I don't want to have to make these decisions, & have these responsibilities, but I do, and they aren't going anywhere anytime soon. On top of this not-being-able-to-sleep thing, my insides are eating themselves alive and I havn't the foggiest idea what to do about it, except sit here and pretend that it isn't happening.
I hate school. I want to go, but at the same time, there are a million things I'd rather be doing. I want to graduate and get it over with, but I just don't have the time. I hate that I have resorted to working fulltime to do the only thing I love doing. I can't give it up. I've tried & tried, but I just can't. I can't just throw away all the work, all the experience, the parties, the nights, the friends, the love. It's impossible for me. For something to consume you entirely, when everything about you, and everything you do, is for that one thing - makes it seem as though I'd just be empty without it. And truth be told, I'd much rather spend the rest of my life with the people I have known in fencing as my friends, than just about every person I've met in this godforsaken town, and this high school.
Right now, I am trying to decide where I want to go to university, what I want to study. Why? I couldn't say, I can't even decide what courses to take in high school, let alone what courses to take in university. There isn't one single thing I could see myself working as for the rest of my life. I don't even know that I want to live in any particular place. I fear change. I fear this specific change. I fear more than anything, losing the people I love. I am so unbelievably indecisive it's ridiculous. My heart overpowers every decision I try to make. The way I feel always factors in these decisions so much higher than it should. I can't figure out how to decide for me and me alone, without contemplating how it's going to affect 200 other people in my life.
What do you do if you love someone, truly believe that you love them - yet when you picture yourself 10 years down the line, there's a different boy standing next to you? How do you know; do you break a heart, or strive to keep it nearby? Does that flame ever die?
I hate school. I want to go, but at the same time, there are a million things I'd rather be doing. I want to graduate and get it over with, but I just don't have the time. I hate that I have resorted to working fulltime to do the only thing I love doing. I can't give it up. I've tried & tried, but I just can't. I can't just throw away all the work, all the experience, the parties, the nights, the friends, the love. It's impossible for me. For something to consume you entirely, when everything about you, and everything you do, is for that one thing - makes it seem as though I'd just be empty without it. And truth be told, I'd much rather spend the rest of my life with the people I have known in fencing as my friends, than just about every person I've met in this godforsaken town, and this high school.
Right now, I am trying to decide where I want to go to university, what I want to study. Why? I couldn't say, I can't even decide what courses to take in high school, let alone what courses to take in university. There isn't one single thing I could see myself working as for the rest of my life. I don't even know that I want to live in any particular place. I fear change. I fear this specific change. I fear more than anything, losing the people I love. I am so unbelievably indecisive it's ridiculous. My heart overpowers every decision I try to make. The way I feel always factors in these decisions so much higher than it should. I can't figure out how to decide for me and me alone, without contemplating how it's going to affect 200 other people in my life.
What do you do if you love someone, truly believe that you love them - yet when you picture yourself 10 years down the line, there's a different boy standing next to you? How do you know; do you break a heart, or strive to keep it nearby? Does that flame ever die?