(no subject)
Well yesterday sucked. I'm not even really sure there's another way to say it. My fear of being alone is really starting to sink in, but I think that's a terrible way to look at it. Saying goodbye to those girls was so hard. I tried so hard in the past year to surround myself with positive things, and those girls were it. And besides all that, I have to say goodbye to Jacque in 2 days.
Saying goodbye to Cullen may have been equally as hard. Where things should have been awkward and scary and all of the above.. they just kind of.. were there. I'm beginning to accept that I have to look at him a different way now and although it was definitely easier last night than it was a month and a half a ago, it still triggers that pinch of sadness that says, "jen, he was your first love". And I know thats so cliche.. but its so true. Every guy now I compare to him, and that's really not fair. He walked me to my car last night when I was so upset.. walked me to my car, when he could've easily said, 'alright, see you in a few months'. Marc calls me and tells me he's outside, he never comes to my door, or walks me there. Cullen told me last night not to settle and it was probably the greatest piece of advice I've gotten. The problem is at this point in my life he's the only one i'd settle for. At least for these next few years. We had our ups and downs but god was he good to me. He was my everything there for a while, and I wish things didn't have to work out the way they did because I would love to keep him around for a few more years lol. But I'm finding security in our friendship. Last night I went to bed happy and that means alot. And who knows, maybe sometime in the future we could try again. I know just judging from last night, we've both changed alot. I even felt compelled last night to ask Marc if he was ok with me seeing Cullen before he left, and I know that was always an issue that held Cullen and I back because we just had different views on things like that. But if its meant to be, then it will happen.. and if not, then.. atleast we tried. Right now I'm happy that he's still in my life. I just wish I didn't decide to be his friend 2 days before he leaves lol. But this all needed to happen, and I'm glad it finally fell into place. Like I said last night, I'm not in love with him, but I still love him so much and just want him to know how much i want to be here for him and how much I need him to be here for me. And I think last night just may have done that.
Saying goodbye to Cullen may have been equally as hard. Where things should have been awkward and scary and all of the above.. they just kind of.. were there. I'm beginning to accept that I have to look at him a different way now and although it was definitely easier last night than it was a month and a half a ago, it still triggers that pinch of sadness that says, "jen, he was your first love". And I know thats so cliche.. but its so true. Every guy now I compare to him, and that's really not fair. He walked me to my car last night when I was so upset.. walked me to my car, when he could've easily said, 'alright, see you in a few months'. Marc calls me and tells me he's outside, he never comes to my door, or walks me there. Cullen told me last night not to settle and it was probably the greatest piece of advice I've gotten. The problem is at this point in my life he's the only one i'd settle for. At least for these next few years. We had our ups and downs but god was he good to me. He was my everything there for a while, and I wish things didn't have to work out the way they did because I would love to keep him around for a few more years lol. But I'm finding security in our friendship. Last night I went to bed happy and that means alot. And who knows, maybe sometime in the future we could try again. I know just judging from last night, we've both changed alot. I even felt compelled last night to ask Marc if he was ok with me seeing Cullen before he left, and I know that was always an issue that held Cullen and I back because we just had different views on things like that. But if its meant to be, then it will happen.. and if not, then.. atleast we tried. Right now I'm happy that he's still in my life. I just wish I didn't decide to be his friend 2 days before he leaves lol. But this all needed to happen, and I'm glad it finally fell into place. Like I said last night, I'm not in love with him, but I still love him so much and just want him to know how much i want to be here for him and how much I need him to be here for me. And I think last night just may have done that.