When the Storm Subsides (Vam) (5/?)
Title: When The Storm Subsides
Author: breathe_misery.
Pairing: Vam, but that comes slightly later.
Rating: PG-13 - R
Summary: "You're scared to death that the slightest hole in your armor is going to tear your castle down."
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but this story and the things and people in it that I totally made up. Title and lyrics used belong to In This Moment.
Author's Note: I guarantee there are mistakes strewn about in this because I'm running on a single cup of coffee after a borderline all nighter. I shall fix these mistakes, should they exist, when I am actually alive.
I was lost, but now I can see
This fate is turning deep inside of me.
Morning was cold, a bitter opposite to the late night before. I hadn't slept well at all, my thoughts filled with Ville's face and the words he had so easily spoken in the calm of the night. You know that thing Jordan felt for you? Well, me too. It was an honest to God admission of love, and I wasn't sure how to handle it. The part of me that I had always allowed to take over, the angry part, told me I should be furious. It was too soon, for one thing. For another, what right did Ville have? Waltzing into my life just a week before, during the shakiest moment imaginable, and now expecting me to bend so easily with a few sly words and a well disguised "I love you"? It would be easier for me to get pissed off and maybe make both sides of Ville's jaw match.
Easier. But certainly not right.
That was where the other part of me came in. The part that had appeared only with Jordan's coaxing. This part of me remembered the soft, sincere look in Ville's eyes as he listened to me talk about the funeral, the way his hand had felt on my shoulder, and that look, the one I now knew was brought on by love. This part of me was staring at a gigantic window of opportunity and begging me to climb through it. And as much as I missed Jordan, I had the feeling he would rather I continue living rather than stay away from everything that could potentially make me happy. But of course, that was the sappy side of me talking.
I was walking to the bus stop as I was having this internal battle, my head lowered and hood pulled up both against the wind and the curious gaze of a few kids I passed. I was nearly there when a small black car pulled up beside me, the passenger side window rolled down. I bent down slightly to look inside and saw Ville, smiling sweet as ever, dressed in a deep red version of the jacket he'd given me. I noticed he was wearing a grey beanie as well that seemed to have cat ears attached.
"Hello, Bam!" he said cheerfully. "Not wearing my clothes today?"
"Wh-- no?" I said, glancing around nervously. I caught a couple of people watching us. "What are you doing?"
"Wondering how best to ask you if you'd like a ride without sounding horribly cliched," Ville replied, leaning against the steering wheel. "Which I think I managed quite well just now, don't you?" He grinned at me, and I couldn't help but smile back.
"A ride would be nice," I said quietly, opening the door and climbing into the car. I rolled the window up and put on my seatbelt as Ville pulled back onto the road. We were quiet for a long moment, listening to the soft hum of the car, before Ville cleared his throat quietly.
"You haven't asked about last night," he said softly. I glanced at him, hoping to see in his face how he wanted me to answer him. He gave no indication, however, just looked at the road, seeming as though he hadn't spoken at all. Maybe giving me the chance to pretend he hadn't.
"I didn't think it was really the appropriate thing to talk about," I mumbled, playing with a loose string on my backpack.
"Because you always give great thought to what is and is not appropriate," Ville said, his smirk evident in his voice. I shot him a look.
"You think you know everything about me," I said, surprised when my voice wasn't injected with any kind of venom whatsoever. "You don't even know me, Ville."
"No, maybe I don't," Ville said, tucking his hair behind his ear. For the first time I noticed the small silver hoops that dangled there. "But you know, you're not that hard to figure out, Bammie."
"What makes you say that?" I asked defensively. I thought I did a good job of keeping myself in check, thank you very much.
"You're so obvious about your emotions and your personality," Ville said patiently. "I mean, you have that whole macho smokescreen up, but it really does nothing to hide your true nature. For instance, it's obvious to me that a person who always acts as if nothing could ever touch them is actually terrified that the tiniest thing will rip them apart. That's one of the first things I noticed about you, Bam. You're scared to death that the slightest hole in your armor is going to tear your castle down."
"Bullshit," I said quietly, looking away from Ville and staring out the window. "I'm not scared of anything."
"Says the boy who came to me last night, terrified that the whole world was going to beat him down because he fell in love and was honest about it," Ville said, his voice carefully expressionless. "That's another thing you fear. Love. You can barely say the word, can barely think it. And don't bother denying it, it would be a waste of breath. I know the truth as well as you do. It's written all over your face, even now." I looked at the mirror in the visor that was flipped down above me, and realized he was right. Sitting in that car was not the strong, confident loudmouth that I'd always projected myself to be. I was looking right into the blue eyes of a frightened, frustrated boy who had been lying for so long he didn't know who or what he was anymore. I didn't like what I saw. It was too real. I quickly slammed the visor back into its original position and stared at my shoes.
"You don't have a clue," I muttered. Ville let out a breathy laugh.
"Trust me, Bam, I have a better clue than you could ever imagine."
The rest of the ride was spent in complete silence. When we arrived in the school parking lot, I got out of the car before it had even stopped moving, walking away without looking back. What does he know anyway?
Despite the disastrous car ride, I was unable to deny the fact that Ville had been right. The school day was hardly unbearable. In fact, it was almost okay. People were either sympathetic, supportive, or completely indifferent. My friends were all rallied behind me, and only one person called me a faggot. That person was quickly shoved inside a locker when no authority figures were looking. Yes, Ville had been right, but that didn't stop my being furious with him.
My anger only intensified when I discovered we had the same lunch period.
"Still being pissy?" Ville said in my ear, reaching past me to grab a tray. I spun around and somehow resisted the urge to hit him.
"You really don't quit, do you?" I hissed, subconsciously moving along in line as the people in front of me made space. Ville laughed quietly.
"Well, see, the thing is," he began, running a hand through his hair, now cat ear hat-free, "you're playing a fantastic game with me. One day I'm your worst enemy, the next, you adore me. Now you kind of want to kill me, is that correct?"
"You have no idea," I grumbled, grabbing a bag of chips. "Why are you even here? Why don't you go back to Finland or wherever it is you came from?"
"Oh sure," Ville said, his voice suddenly lower than I'd ever heard it. "Right back into the arms of my abusive boyfriend. Yes, I suppose that's exactly what I should do." I turned to look at him, but he'd already thrown his tray into the hands of some unsuspecting freshman. I watched as he stormed away from the lunch line and out the door of the cafeteria, raising a hand to the shouts from more than one teacher that told him he didn't have permission to leave. I blinked, suddenly no longer hungry at all.
I wandered to the parking lot the moment school let out, hoping that Ville would be there. He wasn't. His car was still there, but he was nowhere to be seen. I didn't think waiting for him would be a smart idea, so I walked towards the buses with a sinking feeling in my chest. I'd definitely said the wrong thing earlier. Even though there was no way I could have known he'd come here because he needed to escape some slap-happy douchebag, I still felt like a jerk. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was, but I figured words wouldn't be enough. At the same time, I couldn't help but feel like Ville had deserved it. He'd dug too deep that morning with me, it was only fair that I return the favor... No, I thought. That was different.
It was.
"What's wrong, Bam? Ape asked, watching as I pushed my dinner around on my plate. She'd made chicken alfredo, my favorite, but I wasn't in the mood to eat. I'd been past Ville's a couple of times since I'd gotten home, but he never came out. His car was parked in the driveway though, so at least I knew he was okay.
"I'm just not really hungry," I told her, taking a sip of my water instead.
"Now he's anorexic too," Jess said, clearly enjoying my teenage turmoil. I threw a fork at him, but nobody really yelled since it was a really weak, half-hearted kind of toss.
"Jess, that's enough," Phil said, giving him a look. "Why don't you go lie down, Bam?"
"Yeah, I guess I will," I sighed, standing up and leaving the dining room. I made my way into the living room where I sat down on the couch and stared at my hands for a long moment, my thoughts waving in and out of coherence. The bruise on my right hand had faded considerably, now a slightly reddish purple color with yellow tinged edges. Ville's face had healed much quicker, I realized, seeming to recall that I hadn't even noticed a mark on him today. I groaned and changed positions so I was sprawled out on the couch, closing my eyes and wishing, praying even, that I could start the day over.
I don't know how long I'd been asleep for when I was jarred awake by the sound of the doorbell. I heard Ape hurry down the hallway to answer it and let my eyes slip shut again, throwing an arm over my face. My attempt at going back to sleep didn't last long, though, because the voice filtering in from the now open door was a familiar one.
"Hello, Mrs. Margera," Ville was saying, "You don't really know me, but I'm a friend of your son, Bam. I was wondering if maybe I could talk to him? I'll just be a minute."
"Well, he didn't seem to be feeling well earlier, and he went to take a nap," Ape told him. "I'd rather he didn't have friends in right now."
"Oh, that's okay," Ville said politely. "Would you mind giving him this, though?"
"I wouldn't mind at all," Ape said kindly. "I'll let him know you were here."
"Thank you," Ville said, his voice fainter now that he was stepping away. "Have a good night, Mrs. Margera."
"You too," Ape replied, shutting the door as Ville departed. She came into the living room and tapped my arm. I looked at her wearily.
"Thanks for not letting him in," I whispered, rubbing my eyes. "I can't deal with him right now."
"Is he the reason you're acting funny tonight?" Ape asked, stroking my hair soothingly.
"Yeah," I muttered, looking at the ceiling. "We had a fight. Sort of."
"Well, he asked me to give you this," Ape said, handing me a note. "He looked kind of upset. Maybe he's sorry."
"Yeah," I said, looking at the folded up piece of paper. It was folded in one of those cutesy ways, like middle school girls do. My name was written neatly across the front. "Maybe."
Author: breathe_misery.
Pairing: Vam, but that comes slightly later.
Rating: PG-13 - R
Summary: "You're scared to death that the slightest hole in your armor is going to tear your castle down."
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but this story and the things and people in it that I totally made up. Title and lyrics used belong to In This Moment.
Author's Note: I guarantee there are mistakes strewn about in this because I'm running on a single cup of coffee after a borderline all nighter. I shall fix these mistakes, should they exist, when I am actually alive.
I was lost, but now I can see
This fate is turning deep inside of me.
Morning was cold, a bitter opposite to the late night before. I hadn't slept well at all, my thoughts filled with Ville's face and the words he had so easily spoken in the calm of the night. You know that thing Jordan felt for you? Well, me too. It was an honest to God admission of love, and I wasn't sure how to handle it. The part of me that I had always allowed to take over, the angry part, told me I should be furious. It was too soon, for one thing. For another, what right did Ville have? Waltzing into my life just a week before, during the shakiest moment imaginable, and now expecting me to bend so easily with a few sly words and a well disguised "I love you"? It would be easier for me to get pissed off and maybe make both sides of Ville's jaw match.
Easier. But certainly not right.
That was where the other part of me came in. The part that had appeared only with Jordan's coaxing. This part of me remembered the soft, sincere look in Ville's eyes as he listened to me talk about the funeral, the way his hand had felt on my shoulder, and that look, the one I now knew was brought on by love. This part of me was staring at a gigantic window of opportunity and begging me to climb through it. And as much as I missed Jordan, I had the feeling he would rather I continue living rather than stay away from everything that could potentially make me happy. But of course, that was the sappy side of me talking.
I was walking to the bus stop as I was having this internal battle, my head lowered and hood pulled up both against the wind and the curious gaze of a few kids I passed. I was nearly there when a small black car pulled up beside me, the passenger side window rolled down. I bent down slightly to look inside and saw Ville, smiling sweet as ever, dressed in a deep red version of the jacket he'd given me. I noticed he was wearing a grey beanie as well that seemed to have cat ears attached.
"Hello, Bam!" he said cheerfully. "Not wearing my clothes today?"
"Wh-- no?" I said, glancing around nervously. I caught a couple of people watching us. "What are you doing?"
"Wondering how best to ask you if you'd like a ride without sounding horribly cliched," Ville replied, leaning against the steering wheel. "Which I think I managed quite well just now, don't you?" He grinned at me, and I couldn't help but smile back.
"A ride would be nice," I said quietly, opening the door and climbing into the car. I rolled the window up and put on my seatbelt as Ville pulled back onto the road. We were quiet for a long moment, listening to the soft hum of the car, before Ville cleared his throat quietly.
"You haven't asked about last night," he said softly. I glanced at him, hoping to see in his face how he wanted me to answer him. He gave no indication, however, just looked at the road, seeming as though he hadn't spoken at all. Maybe giving me the chance to pretend he hadn't.
"I didn't think it was really the appropriate thing to talk about," I mumbled, playing with a loose string on my backpack.
"Because you always give great thought to what is and is not appropriate," Ville said, his smirk evident in his voice. I shot him a look.
"You think you know everything about me," I said, surprised when my voice wasn't injected with any kind of venom whatsoever. "You don't even know me, Ville."
"No, maybe I don't," Ville said, tucking his hair behind his ear. For the first time I noticed the small silver hoops that dangled there. "But you know, you're not that hard to figure out, Bammie."
"What makes you say that?" I asked defensively. I thought I did a good job of keeping myself in check, thank you very much.
"You're so obvious about your emotions and your personality," Ville said patiently. "I mean, you have that whole macho smokescreen up, but it really does nothing to hide your true nature. For instance, it's obvious to me that a person who always acts as if nothing could ever touch them is actually terrified that the tiniest thing will rip them apart. That's one of the first things I noticed about you, Bam. You're scared to death that the slightest hole in your armor is going to tear your castle down."
"Bullshit," I said quietly, looking away from Ville and staring out the window. "I'm not scared of anything."
"Says the boy who came to me last night, terrified that the whole world was going to beat him down because he fell in love and was honest about it," Ville said, his voice carefully expressionless. "That's another thing you fear. Love. You can barely say the word, can barely think it. And don't bother denying it, it would be a waste of breath. I know the truth as well as you do. It's written all over your face, even now." I looked at the mirror in the visor that was flipped down above me, and realized he was right. Sitting in that car was not the strong, confident loudmouth that I'd always projected myself to be. I was looking right into the blue eyes of a frightened, frustrated boy who had been lying for so long he didn't know who or what he was anymore. I didn't like what I saw. It was too real. I quickly slammed the visor back into its original position and stared at my shoes.
"You don't have a clue," I muttered. Ville let out a breathy laugh.
"Trust me, Bam, I have a better clue than you could ever imagine."
The rest of the ride was spent in complete silence. When we arrived in the school parking lot, I got out of the car before it had even stopped moving, walking away without looking back. What does he know anyway?
Despite the disastrous car ride, I was unable to deny the fact that Ville had been right. The school day was hardly unbearable. In fact, it was almost okay. People were either sympathetic, supportive, or completely indifferent. My friends were all rallied behind me, and only one person called me a faggot. That person was quickly shoved inside a locker when no authority figures were looking. Yes, Ville had been right, but that didn't stop my being furious with him.
My anger only intensified when I discovered we had the same lunch period.
"Still being pissy?" Ville said in my ear, reaching past me to grab a tray. I spun around and somehow resisted the urge to hit him.
"You really don't quit, do you?" I hissed, subconsciously moving along in line as the people in front of me made space. Ville laughed quietly.
"Well, see, the thing is," he began, running a hand through his hair, now cat ear hat-free, "you're playing a fantastic game with me. One day I'm your worst enemy, the next, you adore me. Now you kind of want to kill me, is that correct?"
"You have no idea," I grumbled, grabbing a bag of chips. "Why are you even here? Why don't you go back to Finland or wherever it is you came from?"
"Oh sure," Ville said, his voice suddenly lower than I'd ever heard it. "Right back into the arms of my abusive boyfriend. Yes, I suppose that's exactly what I should do." I turned to look at him, but he'd already thrown his tray into the hands of some unsuspecting freshman. I watched as he stormed away from the lunch line and out the door of the cafeteria, raising a hand to the shouts from more than one teacher that told him he didn't have permission to leave. I blinked, suddenly no longer hungry at all.
I wandered to the parking lot the moment school let out, hoping that Ville would be there. He wasn't. His car was still there, but he was nowhere to be seen. I didn't think waiting for him would be a smart idea, so I walked towards the buses with a sinking feeling in my chest. I'd definitely said the wrong thing earlier. Even though there was no way I could have known he'd come here because he needed to escape some slap-happy douchebag, I still felt like a jerk. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was, but I figured words wouldn't be enough. At the same time, I couldn't help but feel like Ville had deserved it. He'd dug too deep that morning with me, it was only fair that I return the favor... No, I thought. That was different.
It was.
"What's wrong, Bam? Ape asked, watching as I pushed my dinner around on my plate. She'd made chicken alfredo, my favorite, but I wasn't in the mood to eat. I'd been past Ville's a couple of times since I'd gotten home, but he never came out. His car was parked in the driveway though, so at least I knew he was okay.
"I'm just not really hungry," I told her, taking a sip of my water instead.
"Now he's anorexic too," Jess said, clearly enjoying my teenage turmoil. I threw a fork at him, but nobody really yelled since it was a really weak, half-hearted kind of toss.
"Jess, that's enough," Phil said, giving him a look. "Why don't you go lie down, Bam?"
"Yeah, I guess I will," I sighed, standing up and leaving the dining room. I made my way into the living room where I sat down on the couch and stared at my hands for a long moment, my thoughts waving in and out of coherence. The bruise on my right hand had faded considerably, now a slightly reddish purple color with yellow tinged edges. Ville's face had healed much quicker, I realized, seeming to recall that I hadn't even noticed a mark on him today. I groaned and changed positions so I was sprawled out on the couch, closing my eyes and wishing, praying even, that I could start the day over.
I don't know how long I'd been asleep for when I was jarred awake by the sound of the doorbell. I heard Ape hurry down the hallway to answer it and let my eyes slip shut again, throwing an arm over my face. My attempt at going back to sleep didn't last long, though, because the voice filtering in from the now open door was a familiar one.
"Hello, Mrs. Margera," Ville was saying, "You don't really know me, but I'm a friend of your son, Bam. I was wondering if maybe I could talk to him? I'll just be a minute."
"Well, he didn't seem to be feeling well earlier, and he went to take a nap," Ape told him. "I'd rather he didn't have friends in right now."
"Oh, that's okay," Ville said politely. "Would you mind giving him this, though?"
"I wouldn't mind at all," Ape said kindly. "I'll let him know you were here."
"Thank you," Ville said, his voice fainter now that he was stepping away. "Have a good night, Mrs. Margera."
"You too," Ape replied, shutting the door as Ville departed. She came into the living room and tapped my arm. I looked at her wearily.
"Thanks for not letting him in," I whispered, rubbing my eyes. "I can't deal with him right now."
"Is he the reason you're acting funny tonight?" Ape asked, stroking my hair soothingly.
"Yeah," I muttered, looking at the ceiling. "We had a fight. Sort of."
"Well, he asked me to give you this," Ape said, handing me a note. "He looked kind of upset. Maybe he's sorry."
"Yeah," I said, looking at the folded up piece of paper. It was folded in one of those cutesy ways, like middle school girls do. My name was written neatly across the front. "Maybe."