When The Storm Subsides (Vam) (1/?)
Title: When The Storm Subsides
Author: breathe_misery.
Pairing: Vam, but that comes slightly later.
Rating: PG-13 - R
Summary: "I'm not up for making friends today, all right? You're too much like the one I just lost."
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but this story and the things and people in it that I totally made up. Title and lyrics used belong to In This Moment.
Warnings: There's a character death, but it's a fictional character. No worries.
Just say you'll be there for me
Please say that you'll be there
Just say that you'll be my side
When the storm subsides...
There are things in life that just shouldn't happen, but do. When you're in high school, you should be concerned with how your hair looks in the morning and whether you had any English homework the night before, not thinking about how to deal with death. But just because that's what should happen, doesn't mean it goes according to plan. It didn't for me. It didn't at all. In fact, the way it worked out for me was, I had to say goodbye to my best friend and... I suppose at some point, he became my lover. I had to say goodbye to him forever.
Jordan and I never really labeled what we had together as what it was. Even after the nights we spent alone under the tree in my backyard, even after the numerous "incidents" in my bedroom, he still would shrug and say, "Good friends, I guess." I really couldn't blame him. It's not like I was really prepared to go prancing around, waving a rainbow flag and shouting, "I'M GAY AND FABULOUS!" either. And we had foolishly agreed that we had time, that we didn't have to decide anything. We were fifteen, after all. We had our whole lives ahead of us, and this... this whatever we had going on was a small speck compared to what we had to look forward to.
Life doesn't work that way.
Exactly three months after Jordan and I had kissed for the first time, I found out. I'd seen the crash on the news the night before, one car twisted and spouting flames, the other hidden by a tarp. The news crew said that they were not releasing names at that time, so I really thought nothing of it. It didn't even strike me that the reason Jordan didn't call me that night could have been because... Yeah. It didn't even come to me the next morning when I didn't see Jordan walking to the school. I'd assumed he was either early or skipping out. But in homeroom, I knew something was wrong. There was far too much whispering, and the hallway outside the classroom was too quiet. I caught Novak's eye as I sat down next to him, and he simply shrugged. There wasn't even time for us to discuss the weird vibe in the school before our teacher walked in and told us all to sit down, that she had some bad news. That was when my brain inexplicably started to connect the dots. I felt my heart jump to my throat, my breath suddenly short and painful. I knew before she said it. I knew Jordan was...
"Something awful happened last night," Mrs. Morris said grimly. "One of our own students was killed in a car accident. It was Jordan Kelley. I... I really don't know what to say... There will be a counselor..."
I'm not sure what she went on to say, seeing as all of my senses seemed to fail. Jordan, my Jordan, was dead. Before I could tell him I loved him, before I could even say goodbye. My throat tightening was the first thing I became aware of, and then the feeling of a hand on my shoulder, and then the sound of Novak's voice.
"Bam, hey, you all right?" he asked quietly. I could barely hear him over the sound of the other two dozen voices in the room. I shook my head, both as an answer and an attempt at clearing my mind. This isn't happening. Not to me, not to him. No. Just NO.
"You wanna go see the counselor?" Novak asked. I blinked a couple of times, surprised to feel tears on my face.
"Uh... I don't know," I said numbly. Novak stood up and grabbed my arm, pulling me up carefully with him. He asked the teacher if we could go outside for a minute. Normally that was unheard of, letting a couple of kids outside on their own (this had never stopped us before, however), but I think the look on my face was enough to warrant some fresh air. My friend dragged me out of the classroom and down the hall, telling people off if they looked at me strangely. It felt like years before we were outside, the chilly November air finally shaking me from my trance. I looked at Novak, confused for a second, before I sank down weakly to one of the front steps. I felt tiny rocks under my palms, smelled the flowers growing nearby, heard my heartbeat in my ears. Things I'd never cared about before. Alive, I thought. I am. I'm alive. And I'm alone.
"Jordan's gone," I whispered. It wasn't a question or a statement, wasn't anything. Just words.
"Yeah," Novak said, his voice empty of expression. He didn't sound like himself at all. "I, uh... yeah."
"I wanna... I just wanna go," I managed to say, my dry mouth making me choke on every word.
"Home?" Novak asked, leaning against the steel railing. "I bet they'll let you. You're kind of a mess right now."
"No," I muttered, hugging myself and rocking back and forth. "I just wanna go. Just run away, I don't care where. Not here."
"Bam, you're kinda scaring me," Novak said cautiously. He reached out to me carefully, as though I was some kind of ferocious animal that might flip its shit and rip him apart. "C'mon, let's go talk to the counselor so you can get sent home--"
"NO!" I shouted. "That's not going to make this okay! I need... I need Jordan." Those three words made me lose it. Normally I would have been humiliated for crying like a little girl, and normally Novak would have laughed his ass off at me, but this time was different. This time, my worst nightmares had come true, and even Novak, stoned, stupid Novak, could tell. He sat down next to me and pulled me close, whispering comforting things in my ear in a way I didn't know he was capable of. I don't know how long we sat out there, how long I cried, before a teacher came out to check on us. We were immediately ushered back inside, the hallways empty and silent. Dead. Dead like Jordan. Jordan, who was now in a morgue somewhere, cold and lifeless... not with me. Not ever again.
Within half an hour, my parents were called, the counselor thinking it best that I go home. Novak had never left my side, and Dico and Raab joined us outside the school office where I was waiting for Ape and Phil to arrive. None of them asked me anything or commented on the fact that I was still hiccupping a little bit. I realized dimly that I really did have the best friends ever. Even if they did enjoy lighting my personal belongings on fire.
"It's gonna be okay, Bam," Dico said, surprisingly somber, as my mother's car pulled up.
"Yeah," Raab said with a quick nod. "We're here for you if you need whatever."
"Thanks," I mumbled, pushing myself off the floor. The others followed suit and patted me on the back before heading back to class, or wherever it was that they went. Novak hung back a minute though, and looked me dead in the eyes for a long moment before speaking.
"I'm not sure what the situation was," he began, clearly choosing his words carefully, "but I know something was going on with you and Jordan. And I just want you to know that I'm totally okay with all of that, and with you. If you're gay or whatever... cool. You're still you, you know?"
"Um, thanks," I said awkwardly. "I don't even know... thanks." I let Novak hug me one more time, just as Ape and Phil walked in the front doors, before watching him head down one of the hallways. My parents were instantly at my side, Ape holding me close, Phil asking if I was all right. I had no answers, for once in my life. I just shrugged my shoulders and pulled away from them both, knowing that if I looked at either of their faces for much longer, the tears would start again.
After another painful chat with the school counselor, my parents and I were in the car on our way home. Ape was trying very hard to get me to talk, but I couldn't make any words come out besides "Can we just not do this right now?". When we got to the house, I was out of the car before it had stopped moving. I didn't go inside though, because that would only result in arguments and door slamming. No, I went around the house into the backyard, straight to the old, suddenly very appropriate, weeping willow tree. The one that Jordan and I had long ago deemed our special place. It had served as a fort, a place to hide, a place to stay when we were sick of everyone else, a place to get wasted, a place where everything and nothing made sense. Now, I realized as I moved branches aside so I could get underneath them, it would never serve as those things again. From now on, it would just be a place where two carefree kids once spent their time, until one of them ceased to exist.
I threw myself down at the base of the tree, pulling my knees up to my chest, feeling that sickening ache in my chest again. I didn't want to cry, I hated how it made me feel. I felt defeated and weak when I cried. I was the kind of person who made a joke out of life. I never showed my emotions, or even vaguely acknowledged them. It was always so easy to pretend I didn't have any feelings beyond "HOLY SHIT THAT WAS FUNNY!". Jordan changed that. Jordan managed to do what no one else could; he made me be human. When I was around Jordan, just Jordan, I was a completely different person. I was a real person. I never knew why, though. Jordan just had some kind of effect on me that couldn't be explained. There were days when I wondered if he was something better than human, an angel or something. He definitely looked like an angel, all bright blue eyes and shoulder-length white blonde hair. People often stared at him because of his striking appearance; he'd just smile and wave, which seemed to put people well in their place. Everyone always said he was weird, even me, but he wasn't that uncomfortable kind of weird. He just seemed to know better than everyone, like he had the entire world figured out, and he was at complete peace with that. Had he known he was going to die?
"Hey, are you all right?" I looked up sharply to see a tall, skinny kid pushing tree branches aside to peer curiously at me. He had a strange voice, heavily accented and far too deep to suit his appearance. He had a very feminine face, pale as one of the porcelain dolls my grandmother collected with green eyes that seemed to glitter in the sunlight that filtered through the branches of the willow tree. He had somewhat long, dark brown hair that was almost as curly as mine. It looked as if he had tried to straighten it, but decided it was a lost cause. He was dressed in a plain white T-shirt and dark jeans that had to have been made for girls, which made me raise an eyebrow. I guess not everyone is as paranoid about looking gay as I am...
"Fine," I replied shortly, wondering where the hell this kid got off thinking he could just come over here and ask me questions. "Go away."
"What's your name?" the kid persisted. I glared at him, deciding he was either stupid or had a lot of nerve.
"I think I should be asking you that, seeing as this is MY property you're on," I drawled. The kid rolled his eyes.
"My name's Ville," he said, crossing his arms over his chest. "And technically, this is your father's property, not yours."
"Oh, you're a smartass, huh?" I snapped. "Listen, I don't know what you want, but you need to just go home, okay?"
"I told you what I want," the kid, Ville, I guess it was, said calmly. "I want to know your name."
"Why?" I asked irritably. "What do you need to know for?"
"I just moved here and--"
"If you think I'm going to be your friend, fucking forget it!" I shouted, standing up. Ville took a step back and raised his hands (My God, is that nail polish?) in defense.
"Calm down," he said, looking frightened. "I didn't mean to upset you, I just--"
"I don't care!" I yelled. "I'm not up for making friends today, all right? You... You're too much like the one I just lost." The end of my sentence came out weaker than I'd intended, and I realized that he really was too much like Jordan. I'd just let my guard down for him. I pushed past Ville and started back to the house, when something made me stop and look back at him.
"It's Bam," I said grudgingly. He looked at me strangely. "My name, I mean. It's Bam."
"Oh," he said softly. Oh.
Author: breathe_misery.
Pairing: Vam, but that comes slightly later.
Rating: PG-13 - R
Summary: "I'm not up for making friends today, all right? You're too much like the one I just lost."
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but this story and the things and people in it that I totally made up. Title and lyrics used belong to In This Moment.
Warnings: There's a character death, but it's a fictional character. No worries.
Just say you'll be there for me
Please say that you'll be there
Just say that you'll be my side
When the storm subsides...
There are things in life that just shouldn't happen, but do. When you're in high school, you should be concerned with how your hair looks in the morning and whether you had any English homework the night before, not thinking about how to deal with death. But just because that's what should happen, doesn't mean it goes according to plan. It didn't for me. It didn't at all. In fact, the way it worked out for me was, I had to say goodbye to my best friend and... I suppose at some point, he became my lover. I had to say goodbye to him forever.
Jordan and I never really labeled what we had together as what it was. Even after the nights we spent alone under the tree in my backyard, even after the numerous "incidents" in my bedroom, he still would shrug and say, "Good friends, I guess." I really couldn't blame him. It's not like I was really prepared to go prancing around, waving a rainbow flag and shouting, "I'M GAY AND FABULOUS!" either. And we had foolishly agreed that we had time, that we didn't have to decide anything. We were fifteen, after all. We had our whole lives ahead of us, and this... this whatever we had going on was a small speck compared to what we had to look forward to.
Life doesn't work that way.
Exactly three months after Jordan and I had kissed for the first time, I found out. I'd seen the crash on the news the night before, one car twisted and spouting flames, the other hidden by a tarp. The news crew said that they were not releasing names at that time, so I really thought nothing of it. It didn't even strike me that the reason Jordan didn't call me that night could have been because... Yeah. It didn't even come to me the next morning when I didn't see Jordan walking to the school. I'd assumed he was either early or skipping out. But in homeroom, I knew something was wrong. There was far too much whispering, and the hallway outside the classroom was too quiet. I caught Novak's eye as I sat down next to him, and he simply shrugged. There wasn't even time for us to discuss the weird vibe in the school before our teacher walked in and told us all to sit down, that she had some bad news. That was when my brain inexplicably started to connect the dots. I felt my heart jump to my throat, my breath suddenly short and painful. I knew before she said it. I knew Jordan was...
"Something awful happened last night," Mrs. Morris said grimly. "One of our own students was killed in a car accident. It was Jordan Kelley. I... I really don't know what to say... There will be a counselor..."
I'm not sure what she went on to say, seeing as all of my senses seemed to fail. Jordan, my Jordan, was dead. Before I could tell him I loved him, before I could even say goodbye. My throat tightening was the first thing I became aware of, and then the feeling of a hand on my shoulder, and then the sound of Novak's voice.
"Bam, hey, you all right?" he asked quietly. I could barely hear him over the sound of the other two dozen voices in the room. I shook my head, both as an answer and an attempt at clearing my mind. This isn't happening. Not to me, not to him. No. Just NO.
"You wanna go see the counselor?" Novak asked. I blinked a couple of times, surprised to feel tears on my face.
"Uh... I don't know," I said numbly. Novak stood up and grabbed my arm, pulling me up carefully with him. He asked the teacher if we could go outside for a minute. Normally that was unheard of, letting a couple of kids outside on their own (this had never stopped us before, however), but I think the look on my face was enough to warrant some fresh air. My friend dragged me out of the classroom and down the hall, telling people off if they looked at me strangely. It felt like years before we were outside, the chilly November air finally shaking me from my trance. I looked at Novak, confused for a second, before I sank down weakly to one of the front steps. I felt tiny rocks under my palms, smelled the flowers growing nearby, heard my heartbeat in my ears. Things I'd never cared about before. Alive, I thought. I am. I'm alive. And I'm alone.
"Jordan's gone," I whispered. It wasn't a question or a statement, wasn't anything. Just words.
"Yeah," Novak said, his voice empty of expression. He didn't sound like himself at all. "I, uh... yeah."
"I wanna... I just wanna go," I managed to say, my dry mouth making me choke on every word.
"Home?" Novak asked, leaning against the steel railing. "I bet they'll let you. You're kind of a mess right now."
"No," I muttered, hugging myself and rocking back and forth. "I just wanna go. Just run away, I don't care where. Not here."
"Bam, you're kinda scaring me," Novak said cautiously. He reached out to me carefully, as though I was some kind of ferocious animal that might flip its shit and rip him apart. "C'mon, let's go talk to the counselor so you can get sent home--"
"NO!" I shouted. "That's not going to make this okay! I need... I need Jordan." Those three words made me lose it. Normally I would have been humiliated for crying like a little girl, and normally Novak would have laughed his ass off at me, but this time was different. This time, my worst nightmares had come true, and even Novak, stoned, stupid Novak, could tell. He sat down next to me and pulled me close, whispering comforting things in my ear in a way I didn't know he was capable of. I don't know how long we sat out there, how long I cried, before a teacher came out to check on us. We were immediately ushered back inside, the hallways empty and silent. Dead. Dead like Jordan. Jordan, who was now in a morgue somewhere, cold and lifeless... not with me. Not ever again.
Within half an hour, my parents were called, the counselor thinking it best that I go home. Novak had never left my side, and Dico and Raab joined us outside the school office where I was waiting for Ape and Phil to arrive. None of them asked me anything or commented on the fact that I was still hiccupping a little bit. I realized dimly that I really did have the best friends ever. Even if they did enjoy lighting my personal belongings on fire.
"It's gonna be okay, Bam," Dico said, surprisingly somber, as my mother's car pulled up.
"Yeah," Raab said with a quick nod. "We're here for you if you need whatever."
"Thanks," I mumbled, pushing myself off the floor. The others followed suit and patted me on the back before heading back to class, or wherever it was that they went. Novak hung back a minute though, and looked me dead in the eyes for a long moment before speaking.
"I'm not sure what the situation was," he began, clearly choosing his words carefully, "but I know something was going on with you and Jordan. And I just want you to know that I'm totally okay with all of that, and with you. If you're gay or whatever... cool. You're still you, you know?"
"Um, thanks," I said awkwardly. "I don't even know... thanks." I let Novak hug me one more time, just as Ape and Phil walked in the front doors, before watching him head down one of the hallways. My parents were instantly at my side, Ape holding me close, Phil asking if I was all right. I had no answers, for once in my life. I just shrugged my shoulders and pulled away from them both, knowing that if I looked at either of their faces for much longer, the tears would start again.
After another painful chat with the school counselor, my parents and I were in the car on our way home. Ape was trying very hard to get me to talk, but I couldn't make any words come out besides "Can we just not do this right now?". When we got to the house, I was out of the car before it had stopped moving. I didn't go inside though, because that would only result in arguments and door slamming. No, I went around the house into the backyard, straight to the old, suddenly very appropriate, weeping willow tree. The one that Jordan and I had long ago deemed our special place. It had served as a fort, a place to hide, a place to stay when we were sick of everyone else, a place to get wasted, a place where everything and nothing made sense. Now, I realized as I moved branches aside so I could get underneath them, it would never serve as those things again. From now on, it would just be a place where two carefree kids once spent their time, until one of them ceased to exist.
I threw myself down at the base of the tree, pulling my knees up to my chest, feeling that sickening ache in my chest again. I didn't want to cry, I hated how it made me feel. I felt defeated and weak when I cried. I was the kind of person who made a joke out of life. I never showed my emotions, or even vaguely acknowledged them. It was always so easy to pretend I didn't have any feelings beyond "HOLY SHIT THAT WAS FUNNY!". Jordan changed that. Jordan managed to do what no one else could; he made me be human. When I was around Jordan, just Jordan, I was a completely different person. I was a real person. I never knew why, though. Jordan just had some kind of effect on me that couldn't be explained. There were days when I wondered if he was something better than human, an angel or something. He definitely looked like an angel, all bright blue eyes and shoulder-length white blonde hair. People often stared at him because of his striking appearance; he'd just smile and wave, which seemed to put people well in their place. Everyone always said he was weird, even me, but he wasn't that uncomfortable kind of weird. He just seemed to know better than everyone, like he had the entire world figured out, and he was at complete peace with that. Had he known he was going to die?
"Hey, are you all right?" I looked up sharply to see a tall, skinny kid pushing tree branches aside to peer curiously at me. He had a strange voice, heavily accented and far too deep to suit his appearance. He had a very feminine face, pale as one of the porcelain dolls my grandmother collected with green eyes that seemed to glitter in the sunlight that filtered through the branches of the willow tree. He had somewhat long, dark brown hair that was almost as curly as mine. It looked as if he had tried to straighten it, but decided it was a lost cause. He was dressed in a plain white T-shirt and dark jeans that had to have been made for girls, which made me raise an eyebrow. I guess not everyone is as paranoid about looking gay as I am...
"Fine," I replied shortly, wondering where the hell this kid got off thinking he could just come over here and ask me questions. "Go away."
"What's your name?" the kid persisted. I glared at him, deciding he was either stupid or had a lot of nerve.
"I think I should be asking you that, seeing as this is MY property you're on," I drawled. The kid rolled his eyes.
"My name's Ville," he said, crossing his arms over his chest. "And technically, this is your father's property, not yours."
"Oh, you're a smartass, huh?" I snapped. "Listen, I don't know what you want, but you need to just go home, okay?"
"I told you what I want," the kid, Ville, I guess it was, said calmly. "I want to know your name."
"Why?" I asked irritably. "What do you need to know for?"
"I just moved here and--"
"If you think I'm going to be your friend, fucking forget it!" I shouted, standing up. Ville took a step back and raised his hands (My God, is that nail polish?) in defense.
"Calm down," he said, looking frightened. "I didn't mean to upset you, I just--"
"I don't care!" I yelled. "I'm not up for making friends today, all right? You... You're too much like the one I just lost." The end of my sentence came out weaker than I'd intended, and I realized that he really was too much like Jordan. I'd just let my guard down for him. I pushed past Ville and started back to the house, when something made me stop and look back at him.
"It's Bam," I said grudgingly. He looked at me strangely. "My name, I mean. It's Bam."
"Oh," he said softly. Oh.