Uh-oh... a cynical bitch rant about HIM? Goddess help us all.
Well, actually, I don't think I can classify this as a cynical bitch rant. I've had cynical bitch rants about My Chemical Romance. Those were just awful, and I'm actually somewhat proud of that. That's fucking demented, but whatever. THE POINT IS, one angry blog likes to lead into another and another and another and EVENTUALLY, I get so fucking jaded with the band, fandom, music, and everything else that I just say "Fuck it" and move on. That's actually why I started getting into HIM all intense-like over the last month or so. I finally realized that MCR just pissed me off too much anymore, and that I needed to go be spend my time on a band that made me consistently happy.
And that is where this little rant takes us today... Yes, HIM has indeed made me happy. All kinds of happy. It's almost wrong, how happy they make me. I've never really talked about my discovery OF HIM, but I will now. I guess it was early 2006 or late 2005 when I "found" them. It was basically an accident. I was still kind of a n00b in the MCR fandom (oh, innocence, I miss thee), and that was opening up doors to other bands as well. So, I'd heard a lot about this group of dudes from Finland, and I was totally indifferent for a while. I'm usually that way about bands I wind up loving. I don't bother listening to them for MONTHS, just because I'm too lazy. But eventualy, while toddling around Wal-Mart with some extra cash, I picked up Dark Light. I figured that if HIM was good, then that was awesome. If they weren't, I could probably find someone who liked them to give the CD to. Whatever.
I took that record home, and fell in love. I actually think I almost cried. I distinctly remember thinking, "This is the band. The one I've been poking around looking for all my life." I know that sounds corny, but I swear that's what I thought. I still think that, really. It's miraculous, I think, when music can actually make you feel something. HIM always makes me feel something, no matter how many times I've heard their songs. But I never got really involved in the fandom. It was ages before I knew band members' names, before I really kept up with news... That was My Chem business, no other band got that treatment from me. I don't know why, actually. I guess I'm really shit at multi-tasking with band obsessions? Meh. ANYWAY... I loved HIM, but I wasn't devoted. To this day, I only have one legit HIM poster among an ocean of MCR. And when I say ocean, I do mean ocean. Hoooly fuck...
ANYWAY... Yesh. I've liked HIM for quite a while. But MCR was my focus, which was fine. Until The Black Parade came out, and that focus became an utter nightmare. I don't know why I put myself through as much shit as I did, trying to still love My Chem even though everything about them was beginning to make me sick. TWO YEARS I tried to deal with that. Ridiculous. It wasn't until recently that I finally said, "You know what, that's it. I'm bailing. Call me when my old favorite band comes back, hey?". And I'm the kind of person who has a lot of trouble letting beloved things go unless I have something to replace them with. Like, every pet that's ever died or run away? I've had to get a new pet quickly so I don't dwell on how much I miss the old one for too long. I tend to steep in my misery too intensely, and while that might be artistically stimulating for some, I just cry a lot and want to throw up. So yeah. When I shut the door (temporarily, I hope) on My Chem, I went straight to HIM. It was simple logic. These guys had yet to fail me, these guys had consistently made really awesome music for a really fecking long time. I was safe, hallelujah!
Ha. Right. WELL. All may not be fine and dandy in HIMland for me just yet. See, I read a little article today in which Ville was talking about the next HIM record. He said that it might be a bit more aggressive and whatnot. Um. I got this horrible, cold feeling in the pit of my stomach, and the only words in my brain were, "Not again."
No one can understand the complete mental breakdown I had over MCR and The Black Parade. I don't even understand it. I guess I'd built this band up to almost god-like status in my mind, whether I realized it or not, and when the completely FAILED, it was a nasty shock. A really nasty shock. Now, I haven't had a lot of time to build HIM up to that point, but there's a lot of time between now and this new record. I got to my My Chem viewpoint in about a year, and it was ripped down in about the same timeframe. That's the amount of time one can estimate the next HIM record is going to be put out, because they're a bunch of quick fuckers. I think you can see my dilema?
I don't want to go through that same fuckery again. I don't want to feel deserted by *my boys* again. I know it's silly, but I sometimes feel closer to a bunch of rockstars I've never even personally SEEN than people I actually know. And my automatic response to someone I invest a lot of emotion and time into completely disappointing me is resentment. You know Gerard Way? That man used to be my fucking hero, he meant the WORLD to me. I loved him. And maybe I still do. But things got bad after TBP was released, and I've grown to almost hate him, what he's become, more than love him. I really don't want that to happen with Ville Valo. I don't know why, but it's almost like he stepped through an absolutely horrific moment in my life, took my hand, and pulled me out. He's been there all this time, but I didn't need him until recently, and he knew that somehow. It's silly, I know. And I'm in dangerous territory there, and I know that too. Giving your heart to someone, even in that unacknowledged way, opens up doors for them to inadvertently and unknowingly hurt you. I know this, because it happened once, and I don't want it to happen again.
It's fucking stupid how absorbed I get in bands and fandom and records and singers and fail that comes from all of these. Because I get so worked up over it, and it doesn't fucking AFFECT ME. What the hell does it MATTER if HIM's next record blows? I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT DOES MATTER. No, it won't punch me in the face or anything, but it'll still matter. Bands, the people in them, and music are a gigantic part of my life. I basically created my personality after I realized I didn't actually HAVE one by watching Gerard Way for four years. I found inspiration for writing through bands and their music. I got through really shitty times in my life with headphones stuck to my ears. "Music is life" is a lame phrase, but it's startlingly true for me.
Um, anyway, my point? If HIM fucks this up, if their music turns to complete shit because Ville got sober or whatever other excuse they have, I don't know what I'm going to fucking do. In this case, I have no other band to turn to. And I'm almost tempted to think that any band I WOULD look to for comfort would turn to complete shit shortly after my doing so. Seems to be the trend.
Basically, I'm not going to deal with getting my heart broken by people who don't know or care that they're doing it. That sucks a lot, because you can't even yell or throw things at bands that upset you. Well, you can, but it gets interpreted as love and presents. It's like a clueless boyfriend on steroids. And I'm not feeling it.
HIM fans might get mad at me for taking the darker view of things here. But I am a jaded, cynical little bitch these days, and I know from experience that sometimes caution doesn't hurt a person as far as bands go. If HIM's new record goes really well, then that's fantastic and I will sleep better at night. If it doesn't, who knows?
Ha. Guess I'm the only one who is ACTUALLY "keeping it doomy". Get with it, kids. Get with it.