Ode to Boy
I have a hard time with things that matter to me. I've never been the girl who cries out to others easily, I don't often hug friends or family.. rarely vocalize that I love them, I'm never totally comfortable in vulnerability - quite honestly, a lot of that comes down to being a relatively private person who has always felt that weakness in the form of emotion is always a bit of an internal battle. I've accepted that as part of my personality for a very long time. In fact, I'd say it was almost a point of pride because when I heard things like, "She's so strong." I took it as a compliment and thought it meant I was good. Or that I was more capable than the average person. Or something. Whatever the reason, it meant I froze up when someone needed me on an emotional level. I still have my days.
I remember not needing to cry when my dad died. Sometimes when I have to hug someone I'd rather run the other direction. Most of the time I'll make a joke instead of speak the truth and if you call me on it, I'll probably just make another joke. I'm not the friend who calls you 'honey' or 'sweetheart' and more often than not, if you're in need of advice or a loving ear, I'm uncomfortable doing it.
(But I still do because I'm not an asshole and I do care.)
And then there's Kris. And somehow that man has made me into something that is so completely foreign to me in the most familiar way I can imagine. I don't know how to make that make sense. If I were to draw an analogy, you might consider it similar to venturing abroad to the hometown where your great grandmother was born - going out into new territory only to realize it's where you feel most complete and at home. I have never felt complete and at home.
There's something to be said about the idea that a person can be home to you - and it certainly isn't said with the intention to diminish the importance of past relationships, but when I look at that face, I see all kinds of things, both abstract and utterly clear. That guy is home to me now and I've never known that kind of love outside of my kids and even then, it's vastly different. It cracked me open and reconfigured more pieces of my being than I had any idea was coming.
So holy shit. Holy shit in a way that has exponentially improved everything about my life and painted the whole picture with a veil of sweet, dreamy warmth. If I were gonna revert to old ways, I'd probably take this time to talk about how sick I make myself or how he's just "really cool and we get along" but I've started to learn that letting go of the apprehension feels good and quite honestly, I am so happy to think that anyone reading this will have a true picture of how life has finally taken an upswing and that I'm simply just paying credit where credit is due.
-J. xx.