Subbing
I have days when I feel like the students don't take me seriously. In fact, this occurs most days. Thinking back to middle school and high school, I try to remember how I treated substitutes. My memories don't contain me being a bad student; I was an A honor roll student until about my 8th grade year then I continued to do mostly B work through high school. I couldn't stand when fellow classmates were talking out of turn. I don't recall ever treating a substitute badly. To see disrespectful and lazy behavior, like excessive talking, just about every day is so frustrating and heartbreaking. I wonder if how the students treat me has direct correlation to my age. I'm only five years out of high school. They see that I'm young and assume I don't care if they goof off. As a substitute, I'm there to teach and to guide.
My oh so slightly depressed mood isn't helped by the idea that I'm a failure. I don't help support my boyfriend; I can barely support myself. My siblings, who I love very much, are excelling where I feel I've failed. I'm trying to go back to school to get a second bachelors for teaching, but the process has been so long that I feel like I'll never get accepted and then even if I do, if it's the right process. Should I get my second bachelors or should I just get my masters (in English) and take a few teaching courses while I'm there? After all of this worrying, I don't even know if teaching is really what I want to do. Economically, it's probably the smartest thing and I'm sure being a teacher will be different than being a sub. I can barely control a classroom now, how am I suppose to control a classroom of my own? I suppose it's possible that I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe teachers don't really expect much from subs, but I expect a lot from myself, and I feel like I don't make the cut.
I'm supposed to go to this concert tonight, but I feel miserable and I feel don't want to go, especially because I want to be comforted and Ben won't have time for me until after the concert is over.
My oh so slightly depressed mood isn't helped by the idea that I'm a failure. I don't help support my boyfriend; I can barely support myself. My siblings, who I love very much, are excelling where I feel I've failed. I'm trying to go back to school to get a second bachelors for teaching, but the process has been so long that I feel like I'll never get accepted and then even if I do, if it's the right process. Should I get my second bachelors or should I just get my masters (in English) and take a few teaching courses while I'm there? After all of this worrying, I don't even know if teaching is really what I want to do. Economically, it's probably the smartest thing and I'm sure being a teacher will be different than being a sub. I can barely control a classroom now, how am I suppose to control a classroom of my own? I suppose it's possible that I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe teachers don't really expect much from subs, but I expect a lot from myself, and I feel like I don't make the cut.
I'm supposed to go to this concert tonight, but I feel miserable and I feel don't want to go, especially because I want to be comforted and Ben won't have time for me until after the concert is over.