look at the stars, look how they shine for you...
i've decided to stay up till 12 so i can check my SAT scores.
i'm kind of nervous...i feel like alot is depending on this score, what with my sinking grades...
i could retake it if i do horribly, but let's get real. i haven't the desire or slightest bit of motivation to retake that thing.
finals are, oddly enough, saving me from failing some of my classes. i failed calc this quarter, which makes me so disappointed. it was a matter of me not doing the homework, and even though it was an AP class, i know i could have easily gotten another god damn A.
i do have to admit...getting my first F for a quarter is weirdly liberating. holding yourself to high standards is, i feel, so much more of a pressure than when others hold you to those same standards. i can easily lie to people, but i'm having a hard time lying to myself. or at least now i am. before, i was able to convince myself that i didn't care about anything anymore. now, i realize that i do actually care, although i'm still finding it hard to motivate myself.
i keep hoping this summer will give me a chance to start over. i'm etching it into my mind that this is really going to be my fresh start. i'm already one step ahead - i've been "clean" for about two months i'd say? maybe longer, i'm not sure. but i'm pretty sure it's the longest i've ever gone, and that's inspiring i suppose. i just wish i hadn't "started over" so many times already...it makes this time seem like its destined to fail, as all the other ones did. but i guess that's just pessimistic thinking. i should look at those other times as steps? progress maybe? or maybe i just wasn't ready yet... main point: school is over.
i was leafing through this book the other day called The Art of Happiness which is based on speeches by the Dalai Lama and the author's interview with him. its really interesting, and my goal is to read through the whole book. i'll probably become buddhist and go live in the mountains and raise goats, or something of that nature. really though, its a pretty heavy book, but i feel like i could really get something out of it. i think one of my main problems is my attitude. one thing in the book mentioned this excercise where people would finish the sentence "i'm glad i'm not..." 5 times daily, and they experienced greater satisfaction with their lives. other people would finish the sentence "i wish i was..." 5 times, and they were more dissatistified. i thought that was so interesting, how just that simple excercise affected their moods.
i haven't written in this in so long...i did write in my actual journal last night though. it's starting to fall apart. which is kind of funny, since i don't really write in it that often either. it is old though, from like first grade, and it has so many key points in my life. i love reading through it. i just wish i had written more. there i go with wishing...
well its 12:00...
i'm kind of nervous...i feel like alot is depending on this score, what with my sinking grades...
i could retake it if i do horribly, but let's get real. i haven't the desire or slightest bit of motivation to retake that thing.
finals are, oddly enough, saving me from failing some of my classes. i failed calc this quarter, which makes me so disappointed. it was a matter of me not doing the homework, and even though it was an AP class, i know i could have easily gotten another god damn A.
i do have to admit...getting my first F for a quarter is weirdly liberating. holding yourself to high standards is, i feel, so much more of a pressure than when others hold you to those same standards. i can easily lie to people, but i'm having a hard time lying to myself. or at least now i am. before, i was able to convince myself that i didn't care about anything anymore. now, i realize that i do actually care, although i'm still finding it hard to motivate myself.
i keep hoping this summer will give me a chance to start over. i'm etching it into my mind that this is really going to be my fresh start. i'm already one step ahead - i've been "clean" for about two months i'd say? maybe longer, i'm not sure. but i'm pretty sure it's the longest i've ever gone, and that's inspiring i suppose. i just wish i hadn't "started over" so many times already...it makes this time seem like its destined to fail, as all the other ones did. but i guess that's just pessimistic thinking. i should look at those other times as steps? progress maybe? or maybe i just wasn't ready yet... main point: school is over.
i was leafing through this book the other day called The Art of Happiness which is based on speeches by the Dalai Lama and the author's interview with him. its really interesting, and my goal is to read through the whole book. i'll probably become buddhist and go live in the mountains and raise goats, or something of that nature. really though, its a pretty heavy book, but i feel like i could really get something out of it. i think one of my main problems is my attitude. one thing in the book mentioned this excercise where people would finish the sentence "i'm glad i'm not..." 5 times daily, and they experienced greater satisfaction with their lives. other people would finish the sentence "i wish i was..." 5 times, and they were more dissatistified. i thought that was so interesting, how just that simple excercise affected their moods.
i haven't written in this in so long...i did write in my actual journal last night though. it's starting to fall apart. which is kind of funny, since i don't really write in it that often either. it is old though, from like first grade, and it has so many key points in my life. i love reading through it. i just wish i had written more. there i go with wishing...
well its 12:00...