(no subject)
Hey. Nothing important. Carry on.
You ever doubt yourself and your so-called 'abilities'? I guess that's where I'm at. This past month a good amount of my thoughts have been in concern with my future, my 'talents', my career, etc. I'm constantly questioning myself lately, and the more I think about it, the more discouraged I become. Do I really have what it takes to become a music video director, or an established editor, or... whatever. Do I really? Do I possess the drive and talent needed to get somewhere in this world? Am I any good at any of this, or am I just kidding myself? Is what I do mediocre, or does it promise something better for the future? Fuck. I sit in my Intro To Cinema class or at Amatuer Filmmaker meetings...and I look at these people and continuesly compare. I worry that they're better. I worry that they're ahead. Yeah, I know the saying, and I'm fully aware that there will always be someone better than I. Big deal. That doesn't get me anywhere. Double fuck, even someone who has mega money has a better shot at my desired career choice than I do, regardless of talent or motivation. It's not a joke when they say in order to make money you have to have money. I've got nothing. I don't even have any personal equipment. Sigh. Yeah, I know. Boo-fuckin'-hoo. Honestly, I just want answers. Is this the path I'm supposed to be going? My career is all I've got, y'know? This is what I've been striving for these past couple of years. My focus has either been toward my friends or my job. That's all I have. Friends, naturally, will go on and live out their lives. What will be left is my career...but where will I be? Am I going to end up at some random job that pays the bills, but appeals to me in no other way? Will all my ambitions and work go toward nothing? From time to time, I get involved in a discussion with someone and learn a bit about their lives. A big one that comes up is their career, soon followed by what they studied in college. And....wow. I would have to say that about half have changed from what they were studying to something else entirely. This could be good, but...I can't pull that. Not me. If I can't do this, then what? I don't have talent anywhere else. Nothing real, nothing that can count for anything. Hell, I don't even know if I have actual talent in what I do now. What then? Damn. I don't know. I just don't know...
I'd like to say that these thoughts are just pointless worries that will fade, but it'd be a lie. Regardless, though, thanks for reading. I'm not looking for words of encouragement or some fantastic quote to inspire me...I just wanted to vent to those who may give a shit. You guys are my sanity. So, again, thanks.