(no subject)
I love my new job, it isnt that bad at all. Chris Brown is the nicest guy, and hes like a little kid. He gets all teary eyed when he talks about the horses coming to live at his place. Aw. So anyway, its a beautiful little barn, next to his ginormous white house. He has a pony (named Pony) and a horse name Kruiser that live there. His uber expensive show horse is in Kentucky. So i muck and turn out and feed, and sweep and hang out there. And i'm pretty sure it pays well. I didnt have the heart to ask. So i am back there at 8:30 am tomorrow morning.
Lea and I hung out tonight, and went to Quizno's and got discounts for being students, then went to blockbuster and got the older attractive movie guy to track down lea's account number. All to rent Gia. Our second attempt was sucessful. Gia was really good, and fucked up and sexy and made me never want to do drugs or fall in love with angelina jolie.
The night kind of got emotional after that. and i almost got hit by a deer walking down lea's driveway to my car.
I drove around a lot afterwards. i didnt want to go home, but i have no where else to go. I was just doing laps around the lake listening to the foo fighters acoustic album. Thinking.
I was thinking how nobody is really ever happy. There is always something missing. Your heart is always wanting something more. Or its broken. But when you think about it, once you find what that one thing is you are so passionate about...then everything else is obsolete.
School, friends, jobs, grades, family, boys-whatever fills that temperay happy gap, makes all the other shit in your life not matter. which is good and bad. But if that thing is fucked up or missing or broken. Then the rest of you life is shit too. even if everything else is perfect.
When you dont have anyone or thing to take up your time or you mind, then you start to think a lot. Question why, what could change; mention things about changing this or doing that. When things seem so hopeless, then how do you go about achieving anything, changing anything? When you are so indifferent and are so caught up with going through the motions, when do you snap out of it? For real.
I had mentioned that i was feeling depressed. But I think i am above that. Numb to that. Any feeling is milder, calmer, and to think with out the medication i could feel this way. I have been completely sober since Ireland, no drinking or drugs or pills or anything. Not that i was partial to anything, not that i was bad ass.
It just feels like everyone else's life is going somewhere, and i get older, but i am just an older version of the girl i was in 8th grade. Lost, lonely and fat.
I just dont want to have to think this much anymore. My mind is going a thousand miles a minute, and i cant seem to stop it. Its always the same thoughts, and i find that i talk to myself a lot more. I am a 17 year old girl with imaginary friends, that she holds conversations with. I should be an actress. or locked away.
I dont think anyone will really read this, mostly cause i was rambling and had a moment of profoundness. or vunerability. call it as you will.