(no subject)
The summer has flown by; faster than usual, in my opinion. It seems like everything is still the same, but I know that everything is completely changed. Nonetheless it still feels as though I will be getting in my car at 630 in the morning, tired as all hell, wasting gas by driving up 372 and then back down again. Then rushing to dunkin, medium eh let's go large hazelnut coffee, light and sweet. Peeling out of the parking lot, and off to school street. Waiting in god awful traffic, finding a parking spot, and finally walking into those halls that I have become so familiar with. I hold onto that school, so deeply. It's amazing how much one can experience in four short years- It's so much...so much life is within those halls, and so many memories. Good and bad, but it was life; it was my life. And now, i have to make a new life for myself, in a new school that is not so welcoming. I'm scared. But i know everyone is, i think. Or so i hope rather.
As much as i know everything has changed, thing are still so much the same. I am still at home, although a lot at home has changed. Drastically, in fact, but for the better. Since I'm at home, I'm obviously still in Berlin. A town that i have come to appreciate more than i ever thought i would. I know it has a persona that virtually forces a person to want to get the hell out, but when it comes down to it you never want to leave. And when you have to do so, it's probably the scariest thing that one could venture oneself to do. Who wouldn't love this town? It's beautiful, it's obnoxious, it's home.
Maybe not so much is the same anymore. I probably love this town so much because it's where i have found the love of my life. And seriously, the love of my life. He is the real thing, and it amazes me everyday to be looking at the person that i am going to live with, and marry, and have babies with, and grow old with. It amazes me that i have found him, that i have been given him. I don't know what i did to deserve him, but i thank God that i did something right. i don't really think he can comprehend how blessed i am for having him in my life, although i try to show and tell him everyday. He single handingly changed my life for the better. I like to think that i helped myself through all my problems. The depression, which i still have no real known reason for the cause, the self-loathing, the self injury, the feeling of no self worth. I really like to think that i made all of that better, and a part of me knows that i did. I was independent, as always, and got myself help. And i got over a lot of things that i needed to, but the other part of me knows that he has had a huge impact on me. There are days that i really question what kind of person i am, and if i'm really vital to this world- and i can't always answer these questions positively, but he is always tehre to hold my hand, and make me feel good. I have never shown my real self to anyone more than i ever have with him, i have never been more scared to do so either. But God does he take it in stride. i've thrown him everything, told him everything, given him good times, as well as the bad, but he still loves me. He loves me, and everything i am, and more so everything i'm not. He doesnt hold anything against me, and he is so good to me. i know it will always be him and me. Forever. it's the best gift i could ever ask for. Life and love are good.
Things with friends are different. I'm beginning to think that these seemingly close friendships never really lived up to their titles. Sometimes i feel as if holding onto these friendships means im holding onto the past, and the person that i use to be- the person that they know. I'm not that person anymore. I'm not hurt, well maybe a little, more like a tad bruised. But i don't ever want to be that person again, and i dont want to be known as that person. if that means letting go, then i'll take it.
Out of everything that this summer has given me, as well as it have taken away from me, I have to say that through out there two ambiguous and lazy months....I have become what i have feared since i left tenth grade. Yes Holden, I am a grown up. Sure, it may not be legal or official save a few months when i turn 18, but it's true. I know it's strange but i'm cooking hamburgers on a grill and i have never felt more like an adult. Preparing my own meal for my self nourishment. And sure, i may have burnt my hand when i picked up the spatula that i left atop the grill, but it happens. Mistakes happen, regrets happen, life happens. Most of the time with out you even realizing it. But if you can take everything that has happened in your life, mush it all together, forget the bad, cherish the good, love what you want, need what you must, want which you desire, remember the past, reminice, forget the past, move on, hope for the future, be scared of the future, remind yourself everything will be okay, live in the moment, foret to live in the moment, and lastly just live, and live well. No scratch that, live good. If you can do all that, then everything will be perfect. I say this becuase i know. Perfect does not mean flawless. It is all of life's imperfections combined with all it's perfections- creating a huge mess of everything you could imagine. But it is life, and life was meant to be lived once, and lived happy. And that's what i'm going to do. There's no going back from here.