31 Plays in 31 Plays, #23 - "Turn It Off"
YEAH I WENT THERE.
I don't know what's going on here. I just fucking love the show.
"BACK IN THE NINETIES I WAS IN A VERY FAMOUS TV SHOW..."
Day #23 - “Turn It Off”
for Bojack Horseman
by Phoebe Roberts
BOJACK HORSEMAN, a sitcom actor
HERB KAZZAZZ, creator of the sitcom
Hollywood, California, 1988
~~~
(HERB KAZZAZZ slumps in his office, sadly contemplating his fancy fountain pen. BOJACK shoves open the door.)
BOJACK: Hey, Herb. Got a second?
HERB: Now’s not a good time, BJ.
BOJACK: Really? Then you are the best for listening right now!
(He flops down on HERB’s couch.)
BOJACK: I don’t know how much more of this I can take. It’s like nobody gives a damn about anyone here so long as you can stay upright and spit up lines.
HERB: What were you expecting? That they’d pay you twenty grand an episode to hold your hand?
BOJACK: It’s not just me! I caught Mara puking in the bathroom again. The girl’s a whippet, it’s not like she can afford to get any skinnier!
HERB: It’s not the top brass’s fault that everyone wants to look like Fay Ray.
BOJACK: Come on, Herb! I’m losing my mind here!
HERB: Look, BJ, I’m expecting this very important phone call-
BOJACK: What, from that weasel stuffed suit? How many hackneyed bullshit sitcoms can you wring out of the same schlocky premise? Who do you think you are, Norman Lear?
HERB: It’s not about a deal-
BOJACK: Then who cares? I need help here!
HERB: Look, BJ- nobody likes somebody who’s so needy all the time! All those executives, all those people who hold your fate in their hands? They don’t want to hear your needs! They want you to do your part to make a huge goddamn pile of money for everybody, so that you get so rich you can take care of your own goddamn self.
BOJACK: But- Herb, I just feel so-
HERB: Don’t you hear me? It doesn’t matter how you feel. Find some way to turn it off!
(HERB storms off. BOJACK sits sadly for a moment. Then he takes out the packet of white powder in his pocket.)