Getting weird in my solitude
I remember telling crearespero, when we were working on figuring out how to portray Mrs. Hawking in the beginning of the Arisia 2015 process, that Mrs. Hawking has been mostly by herself for the last year, and while she likes it that way, the complete lack of outside perspective entering her little bubble has made her start to get weird. I think a little something of this has started happening to me. Outside of people I encounter incidentally for my job and stuff, I have barely interacted with anyone in the last several weeks, especially not socially. Like my weird little protagonist, I am emotionally fine with this, but I start to worry it's not good for me after a while, even if it doesn't bother me. I think it makes me out of practice dealing with my particular social anxieties, which makes them seem harder than they would be otherwise. Also I like my friends, I want to maintain those relationships, so I should make the effort to spend time with them.
And I miss Bernie. It's seem to be keen recently in a way it wasn't before. I mean, I always wish he were around, but my solitary nature makes me pretty resistant to ever feeling lonely. And he and I talk every day, so our relationship still feels so strong than I always feel close to him even though he's far away. But maybe it's started to wear on me, as I've begun to be a bit melancholy that he's not here. It also strikes me how I miss having someone around on whom I can count on for help whenever I need it. I'm a really indepedent person, I have trouble asking for help at the best of times, but with Bernie I actually felt comfortable enough to turn to him. I have great, generous friends, but I hate to bother them, and I certainly hate being helpless unless somebody can come to my aid. I got sick with a migraine today, and it would have been so nice to have him here to help me out. But as it was, I had to manage on my own. I can get my fill of emotional closeness with Bernie even far away, but when it comes to physical support, that's just something he can't do from Maryland.
The snow's the biggest problem. It's be so much easier to plan and get around and just freaking see people without it. I want to make that effort again. I love Mrs. Hawking, but I should definitely work to be ANYTHING BUT LIKE HER.
And I miss Bernie. It's seem to be keen recently in a way it wasn't before. I mean, I always wish he were around, but my solitary nature makes me pretty resistant to ever feeling lonely. And he and I talk every day, so our relationship still feels so strong than I always feel close to him even though he's far away. But maybe it's started to wear on me, as I've begun to be a bit melancholy that he's not here. It also strikes me how I miss having someone around on whom I can count on for help whenever I need it. I'm a really indepedent person, I have trouble asking for help at the best of times, but with Bernie I actually felt comfortable enough to turn to him. I have great, generous friends, but I hate to bother them, and I certainly hate being helpless unless somebody can come to my aid. I got sick with a migraine today, and it would have been so nice to have him here to help me out. But as it was, I had to manage on my own. I can get my fill of emotional closeness with Bernie even far away, but when it comes to physical support, that's just something he can't do from Maryland.
The snow's the biggest problem. It's be so much easier to plan and get around and just freaking see people without it. I want to make that effort again. I love Mrs. Hawking, but I should definitely work to be ANYTHING BUT LIKE HER.