Title: Tarnished Sunlight
Pairing: Cyrus/Dawn, some Barry/Dawn, both onesided
Summary: When Dawn's parents divorce, she begins to spend her summers in Sunyshore. Or, alternatively, the one where Cyrus tries to convert Dawn and she's completely oblivious.
Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon in any shape or form.
Notes: Written for both my Dawn claim at
mission_insane
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Comments 13
I liked this story. I like the idea behind it. And of course, I like Barry and Dawn <3 However, I never really liked Cyrus and you made me see him in a different light; he's a pretty interesting character to write/read about.
As for what you said about the last line, I think it's fine. It doesn't ruin the story or anything, but if you removed it I would be indifferent, I suppose. Anyway, good story, bb. Awesome job <3
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Thank you! Barry & Dawn are pretty much amazing, especially Dawn. I'm actually not much of a Cyrus fan either (I don't hate him, but I'm just not that interested in him), but writing this did make me like him more, so I'm glad I could help you do the same.
And thanks again for your opinion. It's helpful to know what other people think, since one can never be fully objective. ♥
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I don't care much for Dawn, or at least, not for Anime!Dawn. I love Barry though, no matter what he appears in. It's probably the hair. Haha.
Glad I could help. :)
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I'm a big big big fan of present tense, and I love your style with it. Very nice and fluid, making it a smooth read. Plus, Dawn/Barry is just so cute; I love how you coupled their adorable (albeit one-sided, or so it seemed, in this fic) relationship with the rather sad 'ship Dawn has with Cyrus. ;_;
One issue with me, though, but don't worry, it's not huge: now all she has is a quiet father she hasn't really known in years <-- the hasn't really known in years is rather awkward, in my opinion. I'd make it a little more definite and switch out the word known for something like spoken to or maybe visited.
Hope that helped! I loved it so very much, hehe. <3
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First, a million thank yous for everything you said. I've never been complimented on my tense choice or writing style before, so that had me grinning like mad. Barry/Dawn gives me cavities; I can't imagine not writing/reading them as being super cute. ♥ They just snuck in there, actually, as this was only supposed to be a Cyrus/Dawn. Still, I'm glad they did.
Also, I love it when people suggest how I can improve something, so yes! I don't think 'visited' would imply what I was going for, but spoken could work. Hm. In any case, I will be considering that if I ever get around to rewriting this.
♥ Again, thanks for reading and commenting on this! I has a long day today, and seeing this in my inbox first thing really brightened it.
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And I agree, Barry/Dawn is like walking into a candy store and eating everything available in one go. x) <3
You're welcome again! :)
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'It was him that has hurt so many people, it was because of him so many Pokemon have been hurt. It is him, and nothing she can say or think will change that.' is a line that I found nice, but maybe you could expand on it more on Hikari's acceptance, and change the sentence structure a little to flow better. Also I think since you're writing in present tense, it should be 'it was him that hurt so many people, it was because of him that so many pokemon were hurt'. ( ... )
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You, I think you're write about that. The first option you put up does sound a lot better, although I'm not sure what you were trying to get at with the second one. Was that a mistype, or am I missing something? In any case, thank you! As you might guess, I love it when people make suggestions in order to improve my work.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Seriously, I am grinning so hard at this entire comment.
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And yes! It was a mistype. What I meant to say was 'it was because of him that so many people were hurt, it was because of him that so many pokemon were hurt'
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Oh, okay! Yeah, that sentence makes a lot more sense.
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Would love, LOVE to see more from you!
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it made my heart wrench when all that time she spent admiring him and holding up what she thought were his ideals came crashing down on her at that moment at Spear Pillar
Yes! ♥ You had pretty much exactly what I was hoping the reaction would be, so this bit made me grin like mad. And I'm glad you liked the last line. (Also, a little Barry/Dawn is never amiss. =P) Thank you for the lovely comment!
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