pokemon; Tarnished Sunlight | Cyrus/Dawn, some Barry/Dawn

[kitsuneasika]

Title: Tarnished Sunlight
Pairing: Cyrus/Dawn, some Barry/Dawn, both onesided
Summary: When Dawn's parents divorce, she begins to spend her summers in Sunyshore. Or, alternatively, the one where Cyrus tries to convert Dawn and she's completely oblivious.
Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon in any shape or form.
Notes: Written for both my Dawn claim at mission_insane

Comments

[caddyeverafter7]

First of all, you have made me realize I have been spelling Sunyshore wrong for the past four years of my life. Thank-you very much :D

I liked this story. I like the idea behind it. And of course, I like Barry and Dawn <3 However, I never really liked Cyrus and you made me see him in a different light; he's a pretty interesting character to write/read about.

As for what you said about the last line, I think it's fine. It doesn't ruin the story or anything, but if you removed it I would be indifferent, I suppose. Anyway, good story, bb. Awesome job <3

[kitsuneasika]

XD What a great way to start a comment off. How were you spelling it, anyways?

Thank you! Barry & Dawn are pretty much amazing, especially Dawn. I'm actually not much of a Cyrus fan either (I don't hate him, but I'm just not that interested in him), but writing this did make me like him more, so I'm glad I could help you do the same.

And thanks again for your opinion. It's helpful to know what other people think, since one can never be fully objective. ♥

[caddyeverafter7]

With two n's, like this: Sunnyshore. I think it looks better, personally. Then I checked my Diamond/Pearl handbook on my desk and it was all like, "Hah, sorry, you're a loser for spelling it wrong." :P

I don't care much for Dawn, or at least, not for Anime!Dawn. I love Barry though, no matter what he appears in. It's probably the hair. Haha.

Glad I could help. :)

[teafortwelve]

Okay, just gotta say, I LOVED THIS. <3

I'm a big big big fan of present tense, and I love your style with it. Very nice and fluid, making it a smooth read. Plus, Dawn/Barry is just so cute; I love how you coupled their adorable (albeit one-sided, or so it seemed, in this fic) relationship with the rather sad 'ship Dawn has with Cyrus. ;_;

One issue with me, though, but don't worry, it's not huge: now all she has is a quiet father she hasn't really known in years <-- the hasn't really known in years is rather awkward, in my opinion. I'd make it a little more definite and switch out the word known for something like spoken to or maybe visited.

Hope that helped! I loved it so very much, hehe. <3

[kitsuneasika]

Ah, thank you so much for commenting (and saying you loved this)! =P I've been trying to think of how I can reply to this without sounding dull/repeating myself on everything, but I really can't, so please bear with me.

First, a million thank yous for everything you said. I've never been complimented on my tense choice or writing style before, so that had me grinning like mad. Barry/Dawn gives me cavities; I can't imagine not writing/reading them as being super cute. ♥ They just snuck in there, actually, as this was only supposed to be a Cyrus/Dawn. Still, I'm glad they did.

Also, I love it when people suggest how I can improve something, so yes! I don't think 'visited' would imply what I was going for, but spoken could work. Hm. In any case, I will be considering that if I ever get around to rewriting this.

♥ Again, thanks for reading and commenting on this! I has a long day today, and seeing this in my inbox first thing really brightened it.

[teafortwelve]

You're very welcome! I love helping out when I can, and it's lovely to hear that I brightened your day just thatttt much. xD

And I agree, Barry/Dawn is like walking into a candy store and eating everything available in one go. x) <3

You're welcome again! :)

[ibuberu]

Ohhh, this is wonderful. I like how Cyrus is being portrayed from a child's eyes in the beginning, and how we get this faint understanding and acknowledgement that perhaps, he isn't as twisted and evil as he comes off as to us in the game. I like how you use Hikari to show the reader the idea, and how Hikari herself seems to be attracted to his personality. What I liked most was the shocking revelation for Hikari at the top of the spear pillar (though I felt there should have been more overwhelming emotions and possibly even denial, to bring out the intensity of the climax).

'It was him that has hurt so many people, it was because of him so many Pokemon have been hurt. It is him, and nothing she can say or think will change that.' is a line that I found nice, but maybe you could expand on it more on Hikari's acceptance, and change the sentence structure a little to flow better. Also I think since you're writing in present tense, it should be 'it was him that hurt so many people, it was because of him that so many pokemon were hurt'.

[kitsuneasika]

Yes! I love this comment so much because now I know that I actually made the things I was trying to imply clear. (But I totally agree with you about the Spear Pillar. That's actually the scene I'm the least content with in this entire piece, and I'm trying to pinpoint what, exactly is wrong with it.)

You, I think you're write about that. The first option you put up does sound a lot better, although I'm not sure what you were trying to get at with the second one. Was that a mistype, or am I missing something? In any case, thank you! As you might guess, I love it when people make suggestions in order to improve my work.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Seriously, I am grinning so hard at this entire comment.

[ibuberu]

You're very welcome C: (I think you may have rushed through the Spear Pillar scene? I'm not too sure what's exactly lacking in it too.)

And yes! It was a mistype. What I meant to say was 'it was because of him that so many people were hurt, it was because of him that so many pokemon were hurt'

[kitsuneasika]

Mm, you're probably right about it being rushed. I just went back and reread that part, and the whole scene at Spear Pillar is only about two paragraphs, so.

Oh, okay! Yeah, that sentence makes a lot more sense.

[shinaka]

ASDFFGHHGJJFSAF; I loved this so, so MUCH. It's really rare to see fic that deals with how Dawn might see Cyrus other than "evil, sick bastard" and it made my heart wrench when all that time she spent admiring him and holding up what she thought were his ideals came crashing down on her at that moment at Spear Pillar. ;_; And I think the last line should definitely stay - with it, the fic gains an eerie echo that just won't stay out of one's mind (or at least, my mind XD). I also loved the subtle BarryDawn moments you wove into the fic! :D

Would love, LOVE to see more from you!

[kitsuneasika]

Eek! So sorry I took so long in replying to this-- I had computer troubes, so I couldn't do so until now.

it made my heart wrench when all that time she spent admiring him and holding up what she thought were his ideals came crashing down on her at that moment at Spear Pillar

Yes! ♥ You had pretty much exactly what I was hoping the reaction would be, so this bit made me grin like mad. And I'm glad you liked the last line. (Also, a little Barry/Dawn is never amiss. =P) Thank you for the lovely comment!

[shinaka]

Thank you for replying back! XD And really, this fic was just wonderfully written; there ought to be more fic addressing Cyrus and his messed up relationship with the protagonist, and especially such fic written in the right hands~