what to say, what to say.
So...i don't really know what to say. i need to attempt to get all my thoughts out, but sometimes i just go blank...like right now.
There's only 5 weeks of school left, and i'm realizing that next year i won't be in Nursing school and i'm just gonna take bullshit classes to raise my GPA and get back on track. Cause right now...i'm way off track. WAY off. The past month i haven't been able to focus on school cause i'm stressed out about Zach and about the future...which in turn screws up my school which will then screw up my future.
I can't seem to make myself sit down and do my homework or study. i've just become...not a bum but...apathetic i guess. i just zone out in class and have no urge to go. I get a feeling sometimes that everyone is staring at me like they know what's going through my head and that i could burst out in tears at any given moment. and i know that's not true duh. i just...i feel uncomfortable around people i don't know in class and on campus lately. it's weird...i'm becoming self conscious and hate the way i look sometimes. it aggravates me. yet oddly enough when i'm with Zach i don't feel any of this. i don't feel self conscious and worry about how i look. i feel...myself. it's hard to explain...
Speaking of Zach, i still don't know what's with us or whatever. Ooo i got jealous yesterday. He told me the whole engaged thing was a joke to mess with one of his friends. Turns out it's some chick and i read what she wrote on his wall...and i got jealous. for the first time in my life (literally the FIRST time) i got jealous. and it's weird cause i'm normally not like that...she said "i'm glad that u set me straight on u'r little joke...but u know u could have kept me going for a long time...im like that.." and "i would so notice if you were gone...for one there would be nobody to still beer from or carry me to bed...lol" Keep me going for a long time? Carry me to bed? WTF. i'm sorry but i kinda flipped on that one. like...it's weird. i just...fuck i can't even explain how i felt. and i have no idea what he wrote back cause her profile is private. so like...i don't know. i don't want to be the crazy jealous girlfriend who freaks out if a girl looks at him. i don't do that.
i'm just not used to the jealousy thing. and she lives in missouri and my mom said something the other day about him having another girlfriend in missouri, joking around with me. and now..now that i saw that shit...it got me thinking the whole "what if". i'm always afraid he's gonna cheat on my cause i feel like i'm not good enough for him or not pretty enough or outgoing enough or...enough of anything for him. anytime anything good happens, it gets screwed up. that's why i'm afraid that if we do stay together when he leaves he'll be with some other girl up there, like slut bag carry-me-to-bed chick, and i won't even know it. i'm soooo afraid of that.
and i still haven't figured out what we are. i still refer to him as my boyfriend and last night he referred to himself as my boyfriend...so...i dunno.
UGH. i just want to scream right now. and i'm supposed to be studying. but i can't. because i'm trying to get all this crap out of my head. i hate having days where i'm depressed because i'm lost and confused. today was a better day though. i'm actually happy and normal lol.
it's like i have weird mood swings all the time. i just need to relax more.
or something.
i still have to take nyquil to fall asleep. unless i'm at Zach's. then i sleep like a baby because...i feel loved. i feel the most comfortable i've ever been just cuddling up with him and falling asleep.
i'm gonna really REALLY miss that when it goes away in May...
There's only 5 weeks of school left, and i'm realizing that next year i won't be in Nursing school and i'm just gonna take bullshit classes to raise my GPA and get back on track. Cause right now...i'm way off track. WAY off. The past month i haven't been able to focus on school cause i'm stressed out about Zach and about the future...which in turn screws up my school which will then screw up my future.
I can't seem to make myself sit down and do my homework or study. i've just become...not a bum but...apathetic i guess. i just zone out in class and have no urge to go. I get a feeling sometimes that everyone is staring at me like they know what's going through my head and that i could burst out in tears at any given moment. and i know that's not true duh. i just...i feel uncomfortable around people i don't know in class and on campus lately. it's weird...i'm becoming self conscious and hate the way i look sometimes. it aggravates me. yet oddly enough when i'm with Zach i don't feel any of this. i don't feel self conscious and worry about how i look. i feel...myself. it's hard to explain...
Speaking of Zach, i still don't know what's with us or whatever. Ooo i got jealous yesterday. He told me the whole engaged thing was a joke to mess with one of his friends. Turns out it's some chick and i read what she wrote on his wall...and i got jealous. for the first time in my life (literally the FIRST time) i got jealous. and it's weird cause i'm normally not like that...she said "i'm glad that u set me straight on u'r little joke...but u know u could have kept me going for a long time...im like that.." and "i would so notice if you were gone...for one there would be nobody to still beer from or carry me to bed...lol" Keep me going for a long time? Carry me to bed? WTF. i'm sorry but i kinda flipped on that one. like...it's weird. i just...fuck i can't even explain how i felt. and i have no idea what he wrote back cause her profile is private. so like...i don't know. i don't want to be the crazy jealous girlfriend who freaks out if a girl looks at him. i don't do that.
i'm just not used to the jealousy thing. and she lives in missouri and my mom said something the other day about him having another girlfriend in missouri, joking around with me. and now..now that i saw that shit...it got me thinking the whole "what if". i'm always afraid he's gonna cheat on my cause i feel like i'm not good enough for him or not pretty enough or outgoing enough or...enough of anything for him. anytime anything good happens, it gets screwed up. that's why i'm afraid that if we do stay together when he leaves he'll be with some other girl up there, like slut bag carry-me-to-bed chick, and i won't even know it. i'm soooo afraid of that.
and i still haven't figured out what we are. i still refer to him as my boyfriend and last night he referred to himself as my boyfriend...so...i dunno.
UGH. i just want to scream right now. and i'm supposed to be studying. but i can't. because i'm trying to get all this crap out of my head. i hate having days where i'm depressed because i'm lost and confused. today was a better day though. i'm actually happy and normal lol.
it's like i have weird mood swings all the time. i just need to relax more.
or something.
i still have to take nyquil to fall asleep. unless i'm at Zach's. then i sleep like a baby because...i feel loved. i feel the most comfortable i've ever been just cuddling up with him and falling asleep.
i'm gonna really REALLY miss that when it goes away in May...