(no subject)
Bear: and I think of all the things i've done, the good and the bad, all the things that make me sick, that make me always want to be better, higher, and take the lead in the right direction, to be with someone on the right path.
then I think about all the things that have been done to me, and I want answers. answers that will never come. when an understanding that will never come eats away at you at night and you're all alone and you're trying to stay strong, how do keep focus.
I want so badly not to let any tears leave my eyes, but it always seems so inevitable.
I think about the future and what I want for my life.
my family and my husband and my children, I see it perfectly, but it's scary.
I am scared.
I know you have a plan for me, and I trust in you, but I can't shake this feeling.
I don't know what I need to do in order to feel safe. I've been burned so many times before by the ones I cared most about and who I thought cared about me and even though I have overcome those crashes, the debris is still in the road. I'm scared to let go of everything and put everything into him. I've given it my all, just like i've never been hurt before and i've loved every moment, its been perfect. I have no reason to not trust him, it's not even a matter of trust at this point, because I do trust him. I just don't know if I could take another crash, crawling out of everything from my past has taken so much, and the feelings I have now scare me.
It seems so trivial to be upset the way I am now about this.
I'm scared to feel safe, I am loving like i've never been hurt, but for some reason, I am hurting. I'm never hurting when I am with him though, I am on top of the world then. It's when I am left alone with all my thoughts and worries in my mind, things I want to say but don't know how, wondering if I am alone in how I feel.
My response:
Sammi Napoli July 6 at 8:04pm
I've been meaning to write you... since I saw this on tumblr... since i saw this on here and for whatever reason I just hadn't gotten around to it.
what you wrote was beautiful, and it was beautiful because it was a struggle that we all share in. and we read a lot of quotes and inspirational messages so these words may not mean very much to you... but the things that we all share in, that we can't excape, I find them to be incredible.
everyone tries to live such separate lives, making sure that they are making the right choices for them and independent of other people's opinions or expectations but notes like these remind me that we have something that we are all together on.
I was thinking about that a lot today at the beach, how typically people don't sit too close to strangers or cross lines of honesty for fear of rejection but when you're swimming the ocean you're sharing the same feeling, the same germs, the same flow as the rest of the world. it's insane.
and I was thinking about we all feel alone. Even though we go through these things, because we don't go through them together...because we try to fight the tears, because we don't let ourselves connect with everyone around us.
and I was thinking about how you said that you were scared, and how you can't fight the feeling. . . and I started wondering if that was even the point...to fight the feelings of weakness, of fear, of doubt. Or if rather the point was to join in. To embrace it and to embrace everyone else was there too. To stop running from the uncertainty.
& when I read the part about you knowing he has a plan for you, I was extremely happy to hear you say that even though I know how empty those words can feel and how useless it seems sometimes. but without that knowledge, you wouldn't be able to give him your all as if you haven't been hurt before...and I think that's encouraging. To know that even though you don't feel it, your soul must know deep down that this is the right move, that this move is worth it, because otherwise you wouldn't have the strength to make it.
and I don't know if I tell you enough, but you are the biggest inspiration to me for how you do this. how you conquer. There is a verse in the bible that talks about how we are more than conquers in Christ... and that gives me confidence in you that is unwavering because I've watched you overcome so much without truly knowing Him that I can only imagine what will happen the more you learn.
It is not trivial to feel this way. THIS IS WHAT MATTERS. There are so so so so so many things we focus on that don't but Bear, everything you said...without it...what would matter at all, really? truly? This is the human heart... this is the beat and the rythm that reminds us that we are alive, that unites us. Of course it matters.
Lastly, I wanted to address what you said about it hurting to feel safe. and how this is one of the biggest burdens on my heart. It hurts to rebuild but that means there is something that is being done right. It's like the idea of when your back gets out of alignment and you go to chiropracter and they crack your back in the most ungodly ways to fix it. and I think that's how love is. When you've experienced so many thigns that don't measure up for the mold you were made for, it hurts to realign. It hurts to finally fit into what you've been missing and longing for for so long. but its incredibly beautiful.
your fears may be soothed by the time I had finally gotten around to emailing this. this may not really even hit what you needed to hear, but God will bring you to this place again, because there is so much that builds our character that sacrifices our comfort. This is the beginning of an incredible journey that I adore you for rising to the challenge of. I'm so blessed to be walking by you and I can't wait for what's next.
Be encouraged that this is the beginning of your love story with the one who made you and wants to be close to you and help you make the best of this life and all of these steps and people in your life that have led you to this point have been given to you by him.
I'll be praying you have an incredible trip that only solidifies all of this in your heart and mind. I love love love love you and I'm always here for you. Thank you so much Bear.
then I think about all the things that have been done to me, and I want answers. answers that will never come. when an understanding that will never come eats away at you at night and you're all alone and you're trying to stay strong, how do keep focus.
I want so badly not to let any tears leave my eyes, but it always seems so inevitable.
I think about the future and what I want for my life.
my family and my husband and my children, I see it perfectly, but it's scary.
I am scared.
I know you have a plan for me, and I trust in you, but I can't shake this feeling.
I don't know what I need to do in order to feel safe. I've been burned so many times before by the ones I cared most about and who I thought cared about me and even though I have overcome those crashes, the debris is still in the road. I'm scared to let go of everything and put everything into him. I've given it my all, just like i've never been hurt before and i've loved every moment, its been perfect. I have no reason to not trust him, it's not even a matter of trust at this point, because I do trust him. I just don't know if I could take another crash, crawling out of everything from my past has taken so much, and the feelings I have now scare me.
It seems so trivial to be upset the way I am now about this.
I'm scared to feel safe, I am loving like i've never been hurt, but for some reason, I am hurting. I'm never hurting when I am with him though, I am on top of the world then. It's when I am left alone with all my thoughts and worries in my mind, things I want to say but don't know how, wondering if I am alone in how I feel.
My response:
Sammi Napoli July 6 at 8:04pm
I've been meaning to write you... since I saw this on tumblr... since i saw this on here and for whatever reason I just hadn't gotten around to it.
what you wrote was beautiful, and it was beautiful because it was a struggle that we all share in. and we read a lot of quotes and inspirational messages so these words may not mean very much to you... but the things that we all share in, that we can't excape, I find them to be incredible.
everyone tries to live such separate lives, making sure that they are making the right choices for them and independent of other people's opinions or expectations but notes like these remind me that we have something that we are all together on.
I was thinking about that a lot today at the beach, how typically people don't sit too close to strangers or cross lines of honesty for fear of rejection but when you're swimming the ocean you're sharing the same feeling, the same germs, the same flow as the rest of the world. it's insane.
and I was thinking about we all feel alone. Even though we go through these things, because we don't go through them together...because we try to fight the tears, because we don't let ourselves connect with everyone around us.
and I was thinking about how you said that you were scared, and how you can't fight the feeling. . . and I started wondering if that was even the point...to fight the feelings of weakness, of fear, of doubt. Or if rather the point was to join in. To embrace it and to embrace everyone else was there too. To stop running from the uncertainty.
& when I read the part about you knowing he has a plan for you, I was extremely happy to hear you say that even though I know how empty those words can feel and how useless it seems sometimes. but without that knowledge, you wouldn't be able to give him your all as if you haven't been hurt before...and I think that's encouraging. To know that even though you don't feel it, your soul must know deep down that this is the right move, that this move is worth it, because otherwise you wouldn't have the strength to make it.
and I don't know if I tell you enough, but you are the biggest inspiration to me for how you do this. how you conquer. There is a verse in the bible that talks about how we are more than conquers in Christ... and that gives me confidence in you that is unwavering because I've watched you overcome so much without truly knowing Him that I can only imagine what will happen the more you learn.
It is not trivial to feel this way. THIS IS WHAT MATTERS. There are so so so so so many things we focus on that don't but Bear, everything you said...without it...what would matter at all, really? truly? This is the human heart... this is the beat and the rythm that reminds us that we are alive, that unites us. Of course it matters.
Lastly, I wanted to address what you said about it hurting to feel safe. and how this is one of the biggest burdens on my heart. It hurts to rebuild but that means there is something that is being done right. It's like the idea of when your back gets out of alignment and you go to chiropracter and they crack your back in the most ungodly ways to fix it. and I think that's how love is. When you've experienced so many thigns that don't measure up for the mold you were made for, it hurts to realign. It hurts to finally fit into what you've been missing and longing for for so long. but its incredibly beautiful.
your fears may be soothed by the time I had finally gotten around to emailing this. this may not really even hit what you needed to hear, but God will bring you to this place again, because there is so much that builds our character that sacrifices our comfort. This is the beginning of an incredible journey that I adore you for rising to the challenge of. I'm so blessed to be walking by you and I can't wait for what's next.
Be encouraged that this is the beginning of your love story with the one who made you and wants to be close to you and help you make the best of this life and all of these steps and people in your life that have led you to this point have been given to you by him.
I'll be praying you have an incredible trip that only solidifies all of this in your heart and mind. I love love love love you and I'm always here for you. Thank you so much Bear.