Sniff.
Im writing because I dont feel like over comming me emotions, and writing is the only thing that will help me calm down.
I feel weird, and lost, and confused. Is it possible that people can get sad, and depressed over just a few words that someone could mention, while talking perfectly before and then those last words, ruin everything. A few days ago I woke up and said " Today Im changing my life, my lover, everything, Im going to start fresh, Im going to walk out of my house as a new person" and so I did. Im not saying everything is great and happy, Im just saying Im going to change no matter what people say. I need a change. I realized that you cant just tell your self to be happy because youve decided, but I want to be happy, and I will be happy, and I will succeed, and start a new life.
I cant really remember a time when I was just one hundred percent happy, as cliche as it seems. I dont care what people say, but its really hard to be happy. Im scared, and its so intense and I barely know what to say.
As for this day didn't really start out the best, and its not like it wont be better in just a matter of minutes. Im doing better than last year though. I guess thats an improvement. Ive been having flash backs of the past. I remember when the first accident he had, i couldnt see him in the hospital because i just coudnt see him like that, I never thought he would get of that hospital. I would stay home and ponder all day. One day..my mom had told me that he got out of the hospital and i was so hysterical because i didnt beleive her one bit. He came by my door step and I wouldnt come out of my room no matter what because I didnt believe a damn thing if my mom said he was out of the hospital just to get me out of my room. suddenly he stops by my room and says Allie hunny im back. I had looked up and had a huge smile on my face and started tear up. I can remember that day so clearly. He came to me and hugged me for minutes, I wouldnt let go because I felt as if I lost him. Bad thing is a year later he had got in another accident. I knew my life was over then. It was a sudden car accident a fast death. I cried for days, weeks, months. I wouldnt talk to anyone. I wouldnt say one thing to my parents or anyone, all I could do is think, what can I do to hurt myself, to be with him. All I wanted was to be with him, what did I do to make this happen? Did I do it? Why Me? Im determined to find away to be with him. But hey, doubt that'll happen. Im sorry, everything was okay, till I started getting these images in my head from years ago :(
Ive been having trouble looking for someone to go out. Im scared to go out with anyone, so every thing is fine. I Rush into things and I know it isnt right, but all I do is miss him. I know things are weird without him, its not the same, no one will be like him. Im scared and nervous when someone says. "I love you" because I love you is such a strong intense word to say to anyone. I hate that word dearly, because you never know, that one person you love will be there one day and the next he is totally gone forever. Your life will change, just a minute of three little words. Can change your whole life style..Believe me.
*Sniff*
I feel weird, and lost, and confused. Is it possible that people can get sad, and depressed over just a few words that someone could mention, while talking perfectly before and then those last words, ruin everything. A few days ago I woke up and said " Today Im changing my life, my lover, everything, Im going to start fresh, Im going to walk out of my house as a new person" and so I did. Im not saying everything is great and happy, Im just saying Im going to change no matter what people say. I need a change. I realized that you cant just tell your self to be happy because youve decided, but I want to be happy, and I will be happy, and I will succeed, and start a new life.
I cant really remember a time when I was just one hundred percent happy, as cliche as it seems. I dont care what people say, but its really hard to be happy. Im scared, and its so intense and I barely know what to say.
As for this day didn't really start out the best, and its not like it wont be better in just a matter of minutes. Im doing better than last year though. I guess thats an improvement. Ive been having flash backs of the past. I remember when the first accident he had, i couldnt see him in the hospital because i just coudnt see him like that, I never thought he would get of that hospital. I would stay home and ponder all day. One day..my mom had told me that he got out of the hospital and i was so hysterical because i didnt beleive her one bit. He came by my door step and I wouldnt come out of my room no matter what because I didnt believe a damn thing if my mom said he was out of the hospital just to get me out of my room. suddenly he stops by my room and says Allie hunny im back. I had looked up and had a huge smile on my face and started tear up. I can remember that day so clearly. He came to me and hugged me for minutes, I wouldnt let go because I felt as if I lost him. Bad thing is a year later he had got in another accident. I knew my life was over then. It was a sudden car accident a fast death. I cried for days, weeks, months. I wouldnt talk to anyone. I wouldnt say one thing to my parents or anyone, all I could do is think, what can I do to hurt myself, to be with him. All I wanted was to be with him, what did I do to make this happen? Did I do it? Why Me? Im determined to find away to be with him. But hey, doubt that'll happen. Im sorry, everything was okay, till I started getting these images in my head from years ago :(
Ive been having trouble looking for someone to go out. Im scared to go out with anyone, so every thing is fine. I Rush into things and I know it isnt right, but all I do is miss him. I know things are weird without him, its not the same, no one will be like him. Im scared and nervous when someone says. "I love you" because I love you is such a strong intense word to say to anyone. I hate that word dearly, because you never know, that one person you love will be there one day and the next he is totally gone forever. Your life will change, just a minute of three little words. Can change your whole life style..Believe me.
*Sniff*