heavy heart is heavy thought
These thoughts have been shadowing the daily patterns of work, sleep, play, and relaxing time. I remember a time when I wasn’t able to smile or feel good about living, and those days are coming back. While discovering and learning different things as a teenager, the biggest question was- is there a God or not? Or what religion is right on the money? I think I am asking myself these same questions again, only in a little more detail. I believe in Christianity, and my questions will never be answered, and really they may just be silly and pointless, even immature. With the passing of my friend I have begun thinking, crazy. I thought about the person who removed his body from the town home, must have felt like, what you would do if you found someone dead (call 911), and really how a person would deal with this or become so numb through routine that it didn’t even effect them.
Then I began correlating the saying when you die “your life passes right by”. As I believe there is the body and the soul. When you die the soul is separated from your earthly presence (body) and who really knows where you go or what happens to the soul. I really began to contemplate the thought that when you are born, you know nothing but basic instincts and will learn over time different knowledge and skills from those that raise and teach you, but I just wonder when going out of this earthly life, everything that has been stored in your brain, does that go to? Does God allow us to take our lives with us to heaven to remember those most impressionable moments or are they left here on the physical ground dead, and only those that are still alive can recall those memories. Our memories are physically stored in our brain, but when the soul and body are no longer connected does our life come with us? Will I go to heaven or hell and still be able to recall the moment I realized I loved Justin, and how I felt when I saw him walk off that plane in Texas. Will I remember the pride I felt in my accomplishments over 6 years of hard work and time, when I was commissioned in the National Guard as an officer. How it felt when I sat with my friends and said goodbye to Chris when he died. Or when my mother tried to say “I love you Jen” but couldn’t because her speech was taken from her, before she died. My life is made up of memories that I want to take from me. I don’t want to die and have those few seconds of an entire life time pass bye and I can’t remember anything-but this is really something I haven no control over, and I can’t tolerate thinking this way, but it seems it will not leave my mind these last few days. All my old tricks to suppress such crazy thoughts aren’t working, because I have allowed myself to morn, and feel loss for the first time since Chris died in October, and even then only little breakdowns occurred and I built myself up to overtake them and move on. My strength has weakened today.
Then I began correlating the saying when you die “your life passes right by”. As I believe there is the body and the soul. When you die the soul is separated from your earthly presence (body) and who really knows where you go or what happens to the soul. I really began to contemplate the thought that when you are born, you know nothing but basic instincts and will learn over time different knowledge and skills from those that raise and teach you, but I just wonder when going out of this earthly life, everything that has been stored in your brain, does that go to? Does God allow us to take our lives with us to heaven to remember those most impressionable moments or are they left here on the physical ground dead, and only those that are still alive can recall those memories. Our memories are physically stored in our brain, but when the soul and body are no longer connected does our life come with us? Will I go to heaven or hell and still be able to recall the moment I realized I loved Justin, and how I felt when I saw him walk off that plane in Texas. Will I remember the pride I felt in my accomplishments over 6 years of hard work and time, when I was commissioned in the National Guard as an officer. How it felt when I sat with my friends and said goodbye to Chris when he died. Or when my mother tried to say “I love you Jen” but couldn’t because her speech was taken from her, before she died. My life is made up of memories that I want to take from me. I don’t want to die and have those few seconds of an entire life time pass bye and I can’t remember anything-but this is really something I haven no control over, and I can’t tolerate thinking this way, but it seems it will not leave my mind these last few days. All my old tricks to suppress such crazy thoughts aren’t working, because I have allowed myself to morn, and feel loss for the first time since Chris died in October, and even then only little breakdowns occurred and I built myself up to overtake them and move on. My strength has weakened today.