the life and times.
You know you are a celiac if:
...you've ever been caught licking a discarded Twinkie wrapper.
...you've ever had to give a doctor a crash course in Celiac 101.
...you weep at picnics, parties, receptions and fast food joints.
...you weep at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
...you've ever "brown bagged it" to an elegant dinner engagement.
...a 7 Course Meal is a 1 Course Meal for you. Lettuce.
...you've ever driven more than 40 miles to buy flour or a cookie.
...it takes you 4 hours to grocery shop and your eyesight is ruined.
...you hyperventilate when passing by the bakery counter.
...you've ever deliberately rammed your cart into a Shredded Wheat display in a fit of rage.
...you've ever had to take out a loan to pay the grocery bill.
...you'd gladly pay any price for a pretzel that doesn't taste like sawdust, or bread that doesn't taste like an old shoe.
...the centerpiece on your dining room table is a bread machine with memorial candles.
...your bread looks like a moon rock and tastes like dried out Play Doh.
...your bread weighs more than any moon rock could possibly weigh.
...one of your primary goals in life is to create "Fake Oreo Cookies".
...you've disinherited loved ones for putting their knife in your condiments.
...you've brought a suitcase full of food with you on a cruise.
...you pace and circle the store three or four times when deciding on a new product, pick it up look at the ingredients, each time. Only to leave without it, figuring why bother.
...you are up late at night trying to develop a recipe for pizza without flour, cheese, yeast, tomatoes, beef, garlic and oregano.
...you just discovered how to make flour out of turnips.
...you have actually considered using a gluten-free bagel for a hockey puck.
...you've mastered saying "I actually enjoy MY food"...without your face twitching.
...you know all about xanthan gum and its uses.
...you have ever dreamt about Wonder Bread.
...you hide the gluten-free cookies when guests come over, so they dont eat them.
...you read the ingredient label on green tea - plain green tea.
...you talk about your disease (not the unpleasant parts) so much to your friends and acquaintances that your husband tells you you need to get another hobby.
...you take a list of safe drinks to the bar with you. And actually consult it before you order a drink.
...you see someone buying rice flour in the bulk section and you just have to ask them if they are gluten intolerant too!
...it drives you crazy when someone says they completely understand your diet; they did Atkins.
...people roll their eyes at you when you say "no thank you" to someone's gluten filled dessert.
...you've refused things as "simple" as gum or sucking candies because you don't know if they're safe.
...your friend invites you over for your birthday and want to make you a gluten free birthday cake but you plead with them not to, because although you're trying to seem like you don't want to put them through the hassle, you're secretly terrified there will be cross contamination.
...you hugged a chef for making you special meals every time you walk in.
...you've mastered the art of lying when other people ask you if you're hungry.
...you go to a potluck at a friends place and your dish is gluten-free. You dive into it first so that you get something to eat before others contaminate it.
...you long to look at the contents of other people's fridges and pantries just to see what normal people eat.
...your friends ask if you want “a smell” of whatever yummy thing they have.
...you use gluten as a verb.
...someone tries to kiss you, you push them away to ask when the last time they ate gluten was.
...you can read an ingredient label with over 100 ingredients in 10 seconds flat.
...you wake up sweating and scared to death because of a vivid dream you had about eating something with gluten.
...you have tipped a waitress extra for running back and forth from the kitchen finding ingredient lists.
...someone has said “You’re blessed to have a disease that keeps you so thin.”
...you refuse a gluten desert people say “You don’t need to lose any weight”
...your friends call you asking if whey is wheat.
...you carry an ingredient list everywhere you go.
...you have a sign on your toaster saying “GLUTEN FREE ONLY”
...people repeatedly say "I feel soo bad eating this in front of you!"
...you've ever been caught licking a discarded Twinkie wrapper.
...you've ever had to give a doctor a crash course in Celiac 101.
...you weep at picnics, parties, receptions and fast food joints.
...you weep at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
...you've ever "brown bagged it" to an elegant dinner engagement.
...a 7 Course Meal is a 1 Course Meal for you. Lettuce.
...you've ever driven more than 40 miles to buy flour or a cookie.
...it takes you 4 hours to grocery shop and your eyesight is ruined.
...you hyperventilate when passing by the bakery counter.
...you've ever deliberately rammed your cart into a Shredded Wheat display in a fit of rage.
...you've ever had to take out a loan to pay the grocery bill.
...you'd gladly pay any price for a pretzel that doesn't taste like sawdust, or bread that doesn't taste like an old shoe.
...the centerpiece on your dining room table is a bread machine with memorial candles.
...your bread looks like a moon rock and tastes like dried out Play Doh.
...your bread weighs more than any moon rock could possibly weigh.
...one of your primary goals in life is to create "Fake Oreo Cookies".
...you've disinherited loved ones for putting their knife in your condiments.
...you've brought a suitcase full of food with you on a cruise.
...you pace and circle the store three or four times when deciding on a new product, pick it up look at the ingredients, each time. Only to leave without it, figuring why bother.
...you are up late at night trying to develop a recipe for pizza without flour, cheese, yeast, tomatoes, beef, garlic and oregano.
...you just discovered how to make flour out of turnips.
...you have actually considered using a gluten-free bagel for a hockey puck.
...you've mastered saying "I actually enjoy MY food"...without your face twitching.
...you know all about xanthan gum and its uses.
...you have ever dreamt about Wonder Bread.
...you hide the gluten-free cookies when guests come over, so they dont eat them.
...you read the ingredient label on green tea - plain green tea.
...you talk about your disease (not the unpleasant parts) so much to your friends and acquaintances that your husband tells you you need to get another hobby.
...you take a list of safe drinks to the bar with you. And actually consult it before you order a drink.
...you see someone buying rice flour in the bulk section and you just have to ask them if they are gluten intolerant too!
...it drives you crazy when someone says they completely understand your diet; they did Atkins.
...people roll their eyes at you when you say "no thank you" to someone's gluten filled dessert.
...you've refused things as "simple" as gum or sucking candies because you don't know if they're safe.
...your friend invites you over for your birthday and want to make you a gluten free birthday cake but you plead with them not to, because although you're trying to seem like you don't want to put them through the hassle, you're secretly terrified there will be cross contamination.
...you hugged a chef for making you special meals every time you walk in.
...you've mastered the art of lying when other people ask you if you're hungry.
...you go to a potluck at a friends place and your dish is gluten-free. You dive into it first so that you get something to eat before others contaminate it.
...you long to look at the contents of other people's fridges and pantries just to see what normal people eat.
...your friends ask if you want “a smell” of whatever yummy thing they have.
...you use gluten as a verb.
...someone tries to kiss you, you push them away to ask when the last time they ate gluten was.
...you can read an ingredient label with over 100 ingredients in 10 seconds flat.
...you wake up sweating and scared to death because of a vivid dream you had about eating something with gluten.
...you have tipped a waitress extra for running back and forth from the kitchen finding ingredient lists.
...someone has said “You’re blessed to have a disease that keeps you so thin.”
...you refuse a gluten desert people say “You don’t need to lose any weight”
...your friends call you asking if whey is wheat.
...you carry an ingredient list everywhere you go.
...you have a sign on your toaster saying “GLUTEN FREE ONLY”
...people repeatedly say "I feel soo bad eating this in front of you!"