Summary of lots of crying over the last week
Stuff just keeps happening.
This week I figured out that I've been double-paying on my student loan (for the last 6 months!! how the hell did i not notice that?), which means that, while I'm still unnecessarily broke and won't get that money back, I can stop making the extra payment and stop feeling like I'm completely financially irresponsible. I had been terrified that somehow I was just blowing all that money on trivial things. Not that I don't do my fair share of that, but I feel like I can breathe a little easier knowing where that money has gone. So, one stressor down, countless more to go.
Also, I had a "meeting" with my bosses, following a "meeting" we had with the owners and all the managers together in which I guess I expressed myself a little too strongly. It's more complicated than that, but it boils down to the same patterns I've always followed... I get frustrated in little ways, bottle it up but expect it to change anyway, and when it doesn't I get more and more frustrated and lash out passive-aggressively. While keeping in mind that I'm trying to be gentler on myself, how can I keep doing that over and over again when it so very obviously doesn't work? *sigh* But the bottom line is that my attitude at work needs adjusting. I'm beginning to look for another job anyway, honestly. I feel like the bakery, much as I love the job, is moving in a direction I don't want to follow. A meaty direction. The frustrating and making-mary-feel-even-more-trapped-then-normal part is that jobs are hard to come by these days. And I'm kind of picky. So I kind of am stuck until "the right job comes along" or something. Boo. And then I have to think, well do I want to stay in Charlotte or do I use the opportunity to go somewhere else? Do I have the nerve to just pick up and move? I don't know about that.... So now I have these bonus stressors. Score! No, wait, that's bad.
Another plus, we're finally getting the washing machine fixed (after a MONTH), which means I don't have to hate doing laundry anymore. So one more stressor down, w00t!
Philip's dad had a severe heart attack while I was in Tucson and is home now but recovering slowly. It's affected Philip pretty strongly. I am trying to be supportive but it's hard to be supportive of someone who doesn't really share his emotions, who may not even really allow himself to feel his emotions. But I'm trying.
I am finding the yard work to be a big help. I don't know what I'll do when all the hard work is done... it's been a great way to keep my Mondays busy. It's a great lesson that I just need something to keep me occupied so I won't sit around feeling depressed.
Off to plan the weekly menu.
This week I figured out that I've been double-paying on my student loan (for the last 6 months!! how the hell did i not notice that?), which means that, while I'm still unnecessarily broke and won't get that money back, I can stop making the extra payment and stop feeling like I'm completely financially irresponsible. I had been terrified that somehow I was just blowing all that money on trivial things. Not that I don't do my fair share of that, but I feel like I can breathe a little easier knowing where that money has gone. So, one stressor down, countless more to go.
Also, I had a "meeting" with my bosses, following a "meeting" we had with the owners and all the managers together in which I guess I expressed myself a little too strongly. It's more complicated than that, but it boils down to the same patterns I've always followed... I get frustrated in little ways, bottle it up but expect it to change anyway, and when it doesn't I get more and more frustrated and lash out passive-aggressively. While keeping in mind that I'm trying to be gentler on myself, how can I keep doing that over and over again when it so very obviously doesn't work? *sigh* But the bottom line is that my attitude at work needs adjusting. I'm beginning to look for another job anyway, honestly. I feel like the bakery, much as I love the job, is moving in a direction I don't want to follow. A meaty direction. The frustrating and making-mary-feel-even-more-trapped-then-normal part is that jobs are hard to come by these days. And I'm kind of picky. So I kind of am stuck until "the right job comes along" or something. Boo. And then I have to think, well do I want to stay in Charlotte or do I use the opportunity to go somewhere else? Do I have the nerve to just pick up and move? I don't know about that.... So now I have these bonus stressors. Score! No, wait, that's bad.
Another plus, we're finally getting the washing machine fixed (after a MONTH), which means I don't have to hate doing laundry anymore. So one more stressor down, w00t!
Philip's dad had a severe heart attack while I was in Tucson and is home now but recovering slowly. It's affected Philip pretty strongly. I am trying to be supportive but it's hard to be supportive of someone who doesn't really share his emotions, who may not even really allow himself to feel his emotions. But I'm trying.
I am finding the yard work to be a big help. I don't know what I'll do when all the hard work is done... it's been a great way to keep my Mondays busy. It's a great lesson that I just need something to keep me occupied so I won't sit around feeling depressed.
Off to plan the weekly menu.