The most difficult month of my life
Dear journal,
I know we haven't talked much lately. I wish it were because I didn't have much to say, but it's actually the opposite. There's so much going on in my life right now that half the time I don't even know which direction is up.
I guess I'll start a few months back.
My best and closest friend invited me over for a small gathering. Her, her boyfriend, a few other friends, and myself. It had been a while since I'd seen her, so I happily went. And I had a great time meeting some of her other friends and hanging out. The following Monday morning, she sent me a series of text messages telling me how much I had embarrassed her and made a fool out of myself, then asked that I not contact her again.
Apparently, without being at all conscious of it, I was hanging all over her all night long, and putting down her boyfriend in front of everybody. While likely obvious to everybody by this point, I have to admit that I've had pretty strong feelings for her for a long time, which I'd been having a lot of difficulty lately reconciling. I guess the combination of that, the situation, and the alcohol ended up bringing much of that to the surface, even if unconsciously. While I take responsibility for most of what happened, I do have to put some of the blame on her. I feel like I constantly got mixed signals from her, and had she just directly told me how she felt, maybe some of this could have been avoided.
The whole situation also forced me to face something that had been an issue for a long time-- my marriage. I haven't been truly happy in a long time. Most days, it felt like I was just putting on a fake smile to get through the day, because that's what I thought was expected of me. But in reality, I felt like I kept growing more and more distant from my wife. Driving home from Indiana after Christmas and New Years, we hardly said a word to each other. All I could think about was how I wanted to get out, but didn't know how. And how painful that feeling was.
I had been planning to find a psychologist to talk to about that, but was waiting to see what my insurance options were going to be at work after our company was acquired by a larger company. However, faced with having my best friend tell me that she didn't want to hear from me again, combined with the friction that whole event caused within my own marriage, I could no longer put that off. So I made an appointment.
Long story short, since I was unable to admit that I wanted to try to make things work in my marriage, it was decided that we would do a trial separation. Perhaps time apart would lead me to remember the good times, and realize what I had once it was gone. At least, that was the idea. The separation was to take place after getting back from my work trip/vacation to the UK, and that's basically what happened.
This has been difficult, but not for the reasons one might expect. I honestly don't find myself missing her not being around all that much. I suspect this is at least partly because of the distance I spoke of earlier... it's really not all that much different from having her around, except that I now also have more freedom to do the things that I want to do without worrying about needing to give her the right amount of attention or anything like that. The difficulty has been more in knowing that doing this is causing her pain. And also I'm pretty sure her family thinks I'm horrible right now. But I can't base a relationship solely on how the OTHER person feels. I have to acknowledge my own feelings. And right now, that's what I'm trying to figure out.
While all of this has been going on, I was thrown a curve ball at work. One of my friends, who had moved away from support into a sales engineering role, announced that he was leaving. Several people in the company have been trying to get me into that role for a long time, but I've resisted for a few different reasons. One of the biggest concerns is that if I leave support, there's pretty much no going back. So whatever path I pick, I'm going to be stuck with it for the foreseeable future.
And I'll be honest, Sales Engineering isn't exactly my first pick. I know I can do it, but it's not what I really want to do. In my ideal world, I think I'd like to manage the support team in the UK. I know that would be a huge life event, and I wouldn't do it without an extremely compelling offer, but if I had my pick of anything to do, that would be it. I want to be a leader, not a follower. But that doesn't seem like a realistic goal, and I feel like I've been stuck where I am for a long time now, so I decided to pursue the SE position.
Friday afternoon, I submitted my resume and application for the role. From what I hear, I'm pretty much guaranteed to get an offer. They know my value and what I could bring to that position, so the rest is mainly a formality. But what I did not expect was the email I got this morning, from the senior support manager (my boss's boss). He wants to talk to me tomorrow about two very specific things-- (1) "How bored [I am] these days", and (2) my recent time off in the UK. I find the timing of this to be extremely suspicious. I have to think that he somehow found out that I was applying for a different position in the company and may be trying to get me to stay. But I don't know that he can offer what I would need to stay.
So, I'll speak with him tomorrow afternoon and hear whatever it is he has to say. Maybe it won't be anything. Maybe I'll end up in a situation where I have competing offers and get to take the one that suits me best. Who knows. But either way, it's a lot to take in. Especially when I have so much else on my mind.
Aside from that, next week is going to be difficult for me because the 15th is my 5-year wedding anniversary. And I probably won't see or talk to Lauren at all. I don't even know if I should. I feel like any attempt to acknowledge or honor that day would just be painful or confusing for the both of us, but letting it go by without any acknowledgement seems just as rough. I don't know what to do. I feel like a monster for what I'm doing to her, and for the fact that (aside from the guilt), I think I'm happier without her.
So, to recap:
I've lost my closest friend, who may never speak to me again. I've separated from my wife, and depending on how the next few months go, she may also never want to speak to me again. And on top of all of that, my job is very likely going to change soon, and I don't even know in what way right now.
I just want to skip the next 6 months. Everything is so fucking difficult right now. Everywhere I turn, I'm faced with a decision that has significant ramifications on my life and future. I'm feeling overwhelmed and without very many places to turn. Normally my best friend would help keep me grounded, but I don't even have that anymore. Thank goodness for the handful of other close friends I still have in my life. Even if they can't be with me in person, their support has really been the only thing getting me through this. I'd be completely lost without them.
I know we haven't talked much lately. I wish it were because I didn't have much to say, but it's actually the opposite. There's so much going on in my life right now that half the time I don't even know which direction is up.
I guess I'll start a few months back.
My best and closest friend invited me over for a small gathering. Her, her boyfriend, a few other friends, and myself. It had been a while since I'd seen her, so I happily went. And I had a great time meeting some of her other friends and hanging out. The following Monday morning, she sent me a series of text messages telling me how much I had embarrassed her and made a fool out of myself, then asked that I not contact her again.
Apparently, without being at all conscious of it, I was hanging all over her all night long, and putting down her boyfriend in front of everybody. While likely obvious to everybody by this point, I have to admit that I've had pretty strong feelings for her for a long time, which I'd been having a lot of difficulty lately reconciling. I guess the combination of that, the situation, and the alcohol ended up bringing much of that to the surface, even if unconsciously. While I take responsibility for most of what happened, I do have to put some of the blame on her. I feel like I constantly got mixed signals from her, and had she just directly told me how she felt, maybe some of this could have been avoided.
The whole situation also forced me to face something that had been an issue for a long time-- my marriage. I haven't been truly happy in a long time. Most days, it felt like I was just putting on a fake smile to get through the day, because that's what I thought was expected of me. But in reality, I felt like I kept growing more and more distant from my wife. Driving home from Indiana after Christmas and New Years, we hardly said a word to each other. All I could think about was how I wanted to get out, but didn't know how. And how painful that feeling was.
I had been planning to find a psychologist to talk to about that, but was waiting to see what my insurance options were going to be at work after our company was acquired by a larger company. However, faced with having my best friend tell me that she didn't want to hear from me again, combined with the friction that whole event caused within my own marriage, I could no longer put that off. So I made an appointment.
Long story short, since I was unable to admit that I wanted to try to make things work in my marriage, it was decided that we would do a trial separation. Perhaps time apart would lead me to remember the good times, and realize what I had once it was gone. At least, that was the idea. The separation was to take place after getting back from my work trip/vacation to the UK, and that's basically what happened.
This has been difficult, but not for the reasons one might expect. I honestly don't find myself missing her not being around all that much. I suspect this is at least partly because of the distance I spoke of earlier... it's really not all that much different from having her around, except that I now also have more freedom to do the things that I want to do without worrying about needing to give her the right amount of attention or anything like that. The difficulty has been more in knowing that doing this is causing her pain. And also I'm pretty sure her family thinks I'm horrible right now. But I can't base a relationship solely on how the OTHER person feels. I have to acknowledge my own feelings. And right now, that's what I'm trying to figure out.
While all of this has been going on, I was thrown a curve ball at work. One of my friends, who had moved away from support into a sales engineering role, announced that he was leaving. Several people in the company have been trying to get me into that role for a long time, but I've resisted for a few different reasons. One of the biggest concerns is that if I leave support, there's pretty much no going back. So whatever path I pick, I'm going to be stuck with it for the foreseeable future.
And I'll be honest, Sales Engineering isn't exactly my first pick. I know I can do it, but it's not what I really want to do. In my ideal world, I think I'd like to manage the support team in the UK. I know that would be a huge life event, and I wouldn't do it without an extremely compelling offer, but if I had my pick of anything to do, that would be it. I want to be a leader, not a follower. But that doesn't seem like a realistic goal, and I feel like I've been stuck where I am for a long time now, so I decided to pursue the SE position.
Friday afternoon, I submitted my resume and application for the role. From what I hear, I'm pretty much guaranteed to get an offer. They know my value and what I could bring to that position, so the rest is mainly a formality. But what I did not expect was the email I got this morning, from the senior support manager (my boss's boss). He wants to talk to me tomorrow about two very specific things-- (1) "How bored [I am] these days", and (2) my recent time off in the UK. I find the timing of this to be extremely suspicious. I have to think that he somehow found out that I was applying for a different position in the company and may be trying to get me to stay. But I don't know that he can offer what I would need to stay.
So, I'll speak with him tomorrow afternoon and hear whatever it is he has to say. Maybe it won't be anything. Maybe I'll end up in a situation where I have competing offers and get to take the one that suits me best. Who knows. But either way, it's a lot to take in. Especially when I have so much else on my mind.
Aside from that, next week is going to be difficult for me because the 15th is my 5-year wedding anniversary. And I probably won't see or talk to Lauren at all. I don't even know if I should. I feel like any attempt to acknowledge or honor that day would just be painful or confusing for the both of us, but letting it go by without any acknowledgement seems just as rough. I don't know what to do. I feel like a monster for what I'm doing to her, and for the fact that (aside from the guilt), I think I'm happier without her.
So, to recap:
I've lost my closest friend, who may never speak to me again. I've separated from my wife, and depending on how the next few months go, she may also never want to speak to me again. And on top of all of that, my job is very likely going to change soon, and I don't even know in what way right now.
I just want to skip the next 6 months. Everything is so fucking difficult right now. Everywhere I turn, I'm faced with a decision that has significant ramifications on my life and future. I'm feeling overwhelmed and without very many places to turn. Normally my best friend would help keep me grounded, but I don't even have that anymore. Thank goodness for the handful of other close friends I still have in my life. Even if they can't be with me in person, their support has really been the only thing getting me through this. I'd be completely lost without them.