I should be doing my homework but I can't concentrate.
Today has been such a horrible day. And there's no reason why it should have been. I hate being just generally sad and upset and easily frustrated and just feeling paranoid and pathetic and I hate this summer. I can't remember a good summer and I'm always so disappointed by them.
And I just don't understand what the fuck I'm doing. I just want to graduate and leave and not deal with shit but that's, at the earliest, two years from now and what do I do after that anyway? I always "just want this and that to happen" and I realize that whatever "this and that" is it's not going to make me happy or anything like that once it happens, because I just wanted summer to start three years ago, I just wanted Senior year to start two years ago, I just wanted to get the fuck out of Hammond and go to England and graduate and be at St. Mary's one year ago. Obviously I'm just stuck at square one again being unhappy and not really knowing why and I want these things to happen because, secretly, I do think maybe I'll be happy then but I KNOW IT WON'T and I think I'm just stuck for the rest of my life being completely unsatisfied and stuck and knowing that there is absolutely no point. And that's really scary and I just want to snap out of it already.
I have to stop relying on others for my happiness and deal with just being upset on my own instead of getting even more upset because I can't just sit there and talk to someone about it. And I have to stop being so needy and paranoid and Jesus Christ I swear I wrote this entry weeks ago and months ago and years ago and I'm just recycling, resetting, starting over and over and I won't learn whatever lesson I'm supposed to be learning to make me stop being so annoying to myself and whiny and complain-y and why can't I just be content and happy and carefree for longer than a few weeks or a few months? Each time I think, you know, this is good, I hope this lasts and then it kind of just sneaks up on me again, just a tiny little bit, and I start to get worried about it and it just becomes a full blown mess all over again.
I'm sure I'll be over this by September. Maybe.
And I just don't understand what the fuck I'm doing. I just want to graduate and leave and not deal with shit but that's, at the earliest, two years from now and what do I do after that anyway? I always "just want this and that to happen" and I realize that whatever "this and that" is it's not going to make me happy or anything like that once it happens, because I just wanted summer to start three years ago, I just wanted Senior year to start two years ago, I just wanted to get the fuck out of Hammond and go to England and graduate and be at St. Mary's one year ago. Obviously I'm just stuck at square one again being unhappy and not really knowing why and I want these things to happen because, secretly, I do think maybe I'll be happy then but I KNOW IT WON'T and I think I'm just stuck for the rest of my life being completely unsatisfied and stuck and knowing that there is absolutely no point. And that's really scary and I just want to snap out of it already.
I have to stop relying on others for my happiness and deal with just being upset on my own instead of getting even more upset because I can't just sit there and talk to someone about it. And I have to stop being so needy and paranoid and Jesus Christ I swear I wrote this entry weeks ago and months ago and years ago and I'm just recycling, resetting, starting over and over and I won't learn whatever lesson I'm supposed to be learning to make me stop being so annoying to myself and whiny and complain-y and why can't I just be content and happy and carefree for longer than a few weeks or a few months? Each time I think, you know, this is good, I hope this lasts and then it kind of just sneaks up on me again, just a tiny little bit, and I start to get worried about it and it just becomes a full blown mess all over again.
I'm sure I'll be over this by September. Maybe.