Review: Clone Wars
It wasn’t so bad, really.
I went in with expectations lower than a snake’s bunghole, mind you, but I honestly had a good time. I don’t know what bug crawled up most critics asses to pan this with the same graveness as if they were reviewing the Directors Cut of ‘Downfall’.
There was much to like here and it made me hopeful for the TV series. One, Anakin for once is not a gloomy, whiny bitch and actually comes across a kickass jedi with a mildly conflicted side. It was quite fun to just watch what supposedly made him a hero and a precocious genius without being hit over the head with “LOOK! He’s going to the dark side! His Vader Quotient just rose TWO FUCKING PERCENT while you were watching!”
As for Asohka, I’m a bit torn. Even though she screams post Gen-Y’er appeal with her sauciness and pedo-baiting exposed midriff, she also felt fresh, a needed breath of air in a character roster that was getting way, way too stuffy. I liked that she struggled quite a bit while fighting the Magna-droids and had to pretty much resort to ambush and hit and run tactics. Those things are supposed to be the elite-st droids there are and they never came across as anything other than “same crappy droids, but with swords!” in the movies. Nice to see them being dangerous for once.
I liked the animation smile, myself. It doesn’t go the way the final fantasy movie did, trying to be entirely lifelike and coming across as a cutscene with soulless meat droids. Besides, it’s a great, blessed change, not having to watch actors interacting with digital CG anymore. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t work. It looks goofy and the actors obviously spend way too much effort trying to not look retarded to give a solid performance.
Case in point: there is a scene, right at the begginging of Attack of the Clones, in which Obi-Wan and Anakin as flying on an air-car chasing a mercenary. They fly through some kind of giant lightning-spitting tower and get zapped, while Obi-Wan admonishes his apprentice “Told you to stay away from power couplings!”. It’s a scene so bad it has to be seen to be believed, as both are pretending to jerk and spasm as if being shocked while engaging in droll exchanges. I watched that and instantly remembered that they weren’t in air-car at all, but likely sitting on a pile of lime-green cubes arranged to be vaguely car-line in front of a green screen, trying to picture the CG around them. It made me feel embarrassed for them and buried the prequels for me right then and there.
This doesn’t happen here. In fact, I’m happy that they kept it lean and mean, despite having the freedom of the full-digital format. Starship battles don’t involve a zillion different ships bleeping and blasting and exploding on every square inch of the screen… It’s a smaller scale, half a dozen ships blasting each other, even retreating (I know, who’d imagine!) when it’s called for. There’s a lot of good detail that the movies never cared to offer. The clone troopers, for instance, style and dye their hair in different ways to achieve some identity. They are also allowed to kick a fair amount of ass, which was nice to watch.
I also loved that some ships had pin-ups sprayed on their noses like WW2-era bombers. Little things like that make the setting feel less sterile, which is a big deal in digital movies. On a personal note, I liked that Asajj Ventress was there, but disappointed at how inept she seemed. What can I say, I have a thing for bald, evil girls. And it was nice seeing the bad guys using the Jedi Mind Trick for once! It has lots of evil potential and should be exploited.
On the not-so-good, side, the plot felt a bit flat. Way too much exposition to try and add gravitas to a story that felt like a side-story at best. Capote the Hutt was mildly shameful. Padmé’s appearance felt like a tacked-on side-story of a side-story, and the phrase “All is happening according to plan” is repeated way, way too often. Also? No commander will sit down for surrender negotiations without demanding a cease-fire first, leaving aside that such silly, underhanded stalling tactics are beneath Jedi. There’s a good reason combatants almost never fake a surrender only to blast away: it means that when you really, really -do- want to surrender, you’ll likely get lined up and shot in the back of the head and tossed in a ditch filled with the corpses of your relatives, just for spite.
Also, I have to say I’m entirely too tired of watching droids get blasted and sliced. I know it’s a gimmick to keep a PG-13 rating and not have each Jedi have the blood of thousands on their hands, but really, it’s silly now. Can’t the separatists have a few elite squads of mercenaries or Chiss or anything? Give me something to work with here. The only person-to-person fights we have are those we -know- won’t be final because…well, we’ve seen the movies.
Finally: why oh why fuck with the Star Wars music theme? Why not just replace the lightsabers with…uhm…sonic nun-chuks?
Better not give them ideas.
I went in with expectations lower than a snake’s bunghole, mind you, but I honestly had a good time. I don’t know what bug crawled up most critics asses to pan this with the same graveness as if they were reviewing the Directors Cut of ‘Downfall’.
There was much to like here and it made me hopeful for the TV series. One, Anakin for once is not a gloomy, whiny bitch and actually comes across a kickass jedi with a mildly conflicted side. It was quite fun to just watch what supposedly made him a hero and a precocious genius without being hit over the head with “LOOK! He’s going to the dark side! His Vader Quotient just rose TWO FUCKING PERCENT while you were watching!”
As for Asohka, I’m a bit torn. Even though she screams post Gen-Y’er appeal with her sauciness and pedo-baiting exposed midriff, she also felt fresh, a needed breath of air in a character roster that was getting way, way too stuffy. I liked that she struggled quite a bit while fighting the Magna-droids and had to pretty much resort to ambush and hit and run tactics. Those things are supposed to be the elite-st droids there are and they never came across as anything other than “same crappy droids, but with swords!” in the movies. Nice to see them being dangerous for once.
I liked the animation smile, myself. It doesn’t go the way the final fantasy movie did, trying to be entirely lifelike and coming across as a cutscene with soulless meat droids. Besides, it’s a great, blessed change, not having to watch actors interacting with digital CG anymore. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t work. It looks goofy and the actors obviously spend way too much effort trying to not look retarded to give a solid performance.
Case in point: there is a scene, right at the begginging of Attack of the Clones, in which Obi-Wan and Anakin as flying on an air-car chasing a mercenary. They fly through some kind of giant lightning-spitting tower and get zapped, while Obi-Wan admonishes his apprentice “Told you to stay away from power couplings!”. It’s a scene so bad it has to be seen to be believed, as both are pretending to jerk and spasm as if being shocked while engaging in droll exchanges. I watched that and instantly remembered that they weren’t in air-car at all, but likely sitting on a pile of lime-green cubes arranged to be vaguely car-line in front of a green screen, trying to picture the CG around them. It made me feel embarrassed for them and buried the prequels for me right then and there.
This doesn’t happen here. In fact, I’m happy that they kept it lean and mean, despite having the freedom of the full-digital format. Starship battles don’t involve a zillion different ships bleeping and blasting and exploding on every square inch of the screen… It’s a smaller scale, half a dozen ships blasting each other, even retreating (I know, who’d imagine!) when it’s called for. There’s a lot of good detail that the movies never cared to offer. The clone troopers, for instance, style and dye their hair in different ways to achieve some identity. They are also allowed to kick a fair amount of ass, which was nice to watch.
I also loved that some ships had pin-ups sprayed on their noses like WW2-era bombers. Little things like that make the setting feel less sterile, which is a big deal in digital movies. On a personal note, I liked that Asajj Ventress was there, but disappointed at how inept she seemed. What can I say, I have a thing for bald, evil girls. And it was nice seeing the bad guys using the Jedi Mind Trick for once! It has lots of evil potential and should be exploited.
On the not-so-good, side, the plot felt a bit flat. Way too much exposition to try and add gravitas to a story that felt like a side-story at best. Capote the Hutt was mildly shameful. Padmé’s appearance felt like a tacked-on side-story of a side-story, and the phrase “All is happening according to plan” is repeated way, way too often. Also? No commander will sit down for surrender negotiations without demanding a cease-fire first, leaving aside that such silly, underhanded stalling tactics are beneath Jedi. There’s a good reason combatants almost never fake a surrender only to blast away: it means that when you really, really -do- want to surrender, you’ll likely get lined up and shot in the back of the head and tossed in a ditch filled with the corpses of your relatives, just for spite.
Also, I have to say I’m entirely too tired of watching droids get blasted and sliced. I know it’s a gimmick to keep a PG-13 rating and not have each Jedi have the blood of thousands on their hands, but really, it’s silly now. Can’t the separatists have a few elite squads of mercenaries or Chiss or anything? Give me something to work with here. The only person-to-person fights we have are those we -know- won’t be final because…well, we’ve seen the movies.
Finally: why oh why fuck with the Star Wars music theme? Why not just replace the lightsabers with…uhm…sonic nun-chuks?
Better not give them ideas.