Love
This last month or so have been a whirlwind... but they have opened my eyes to what i felt in my last relationships. Love is such a funny thing. At the time if you had asked me if I could love anyone other then J or M i would have said no. But then this guy comes into my life and hes this amazing person. He shows me that someone can love me without me loosing myself in him, or loosing him to me. Now i look back and i realize that i lusted after these two exes..... all i wanted was to pretend to be in love without having the pressure of a future with these two.
Someone once told me that when you love someone you know because you truly trust them with all your faults and all of your problems. You love them inspite of everything that has happened to you in the past. When Alan looks at me and tells me he will never leave me, that he will never do drugs again... i trust him... i know he is saying it from his heart. I have never trusted someone who i am involved with as much as i trust him.
The thing is that the last two relationships ive been in that hurt me the most werent worthless they both taught me alot. J. Taught me to never loose myself within a relationship. To never let someone try to change me. To not change for the person your with. That as long as he is trying to change you he doesnt love you for you... he just loves your body. M taught me that even the strongest relationship cant withstand lies and masks.... that even though theres a friendship underneath... if you both arnt ready for it, it wont happen. That is were i also learned that even your best friend can hurt you, if your not yourslef with them.
Alan i can love without worrying about loosing Stephen, i can love him without worrying about loosing myself. Hes my world... but i have time in my world to be myself.
All i know is that this feels so fdifferent then the other relationships i have been in... I am at the point were i will start freaking.... i just need to remember that he loves me for me... and wont run... LOVE IS SOO FUNNY