(no subject)
i feel trapped. i'm stuck in this weird paradox where i can't do anything. i'm too old to not care about grades, exams, appearances, my future. i'm too old to get away with petty childish problems. today i felt sick when i got home from school, so i crawled up on my mom's bed like i used to when i was little. then i felt like an idiot and told myself to grow up. i'm too old to do the fun stuff, i'm always being told to grow up, mature, get out into the real world.
on the other hand, i'm too young to do anything grown up. i'm too young to drive on my own, too young (technically) to rent an R rated movie, too young (technically) to drink, too young to get a job. i never really realized til this week that 15 really is young. i dont feel 15. but no one cares how i feel, just what i am, which is too young.
i did the math today, and assuming the italy trip costs $2000, that it's due by April 1, and that i start working July 1st, i will have to make $200 a month, which is about $50 a week. thats not so bad during the summer, because if i'm working children's activities i'd only have to work about 9 hours a week. its during the school year that i'm worried about. I'll be teaching during the school year, which is $10 an hour, which means only 5 hours a week, but 5 hours of teaching is a lot, especially on top of crew and my 5-AP schedule, not to mention whatever other clubs and committees i'm stuck on next year. i'm going to die. i am going to work myself to death. what the hell.
class pool party was fun i guess. i'm "hallways" chair for next year, whatever the hell that means. the chorus awards banquet was pretty fun too, except for weird creepy guys trying to dance with you. ugh.
on the other hand, i'm too young to do anything grown up. i'm too young to drive on my own, too young (technically) to rent an R rated movie, too young (technically) to drink, too young to get a job. i never really realized til this week that 15 really is young. i dont feel 15. but no one cares how i feel, just what i am, which is too young.
i did the math today, and assuming the italy trip costs $2000, that it's due by April 1, and that i start working July 1st, i will have to make $200 a month, which is about $50 a week. thats not so bad during the summer, because if i'm working children's activities i'd only have to work about 9 hours a week. its during the school year that i'm worried about. I'll be teaching during the school year, which is $10 an hour, which means only 5 hours a week, but 5 hours of teaching is a lot, especially on top of crew and my 5-AP schedule, not to mention whatever other clubs and committees i'm stuck on next year. i'm going to die. i am going to work myself to death. what the hell.
class pool party was fun i guess. i'm "hallways" chair for next year, whatever the hell that means. the chorus awards banquet was pretty fun too, except for weird creepy guys trying to dance with you. ugh.